Could he have BPD? Should I leave or stay?

I suspect that my close friend / love interest may have BPD and I’m not sure whether I should leave him or stay to help him.
Telling the situation in short: I have met a man and fell in love with him. Everything seemed to be fine in the beginning, we got along excellent, it was a nice flirt, romantic messages etc., and he often told me that he had never met someone who understands him like I do.
Then however, one day he told me the sad truth: he had a girlfriend. I was schocked and asked him why didn’t he tell me in the beginning. He answered to me, that he hadn’t expected that our relationship would grow and when it did, it was too late. Moreover, he claimed that his and his girlfriends relationship is cooled of, and „separating is just a matter of time“. He begged me not to leave him, as without me, he would „only exist, not live“. I decided to stay hoping that he would clear the situation with the girlfriend and finally choose between her and me.
Now it’s almost a year and nothing has changed. They are still together, although their relationship is still „tense“. I know I should leave, but then comes the fear. He always begs me not to leave; sometimes he says I can leave if I want to, but he doesn't want it. He almost seprated from his girlfriend twice, but once I even stopped him from doing this for I saw that he isn’t sure About his feelings yet and didn’t want him to be separated only to stop me from leaving.
We tried to end things many, many times , but we’ve only managed to stay disconncected from each other for a couple of days. Then we would miss each other, and it all starts again.
Once after we had an arguement and when we met afterwards, I noticed cut wounds on his arm. I asked him how this happened, and at first he didn’t want to tell but later told me, that after the arguement he had drunk much alcohol and took a knife and cut his hand. From then on I’m afraid to leave him for I don’t want him to hurt himself or even worse...
Someone please help me. Do you think he has BPD? I’ve told him about my suspections once, but he didn’t seem to take this seriously. I’m afraid that if I leave him and it’s not BPD, maybe depression or somehing else, he will be left helpless. Since I know (or at least suspect) what he has, I just feel that can’t leave him like this. Especially because I myself have a personality disorder, OCD, and I wouldn’t want people to avoid me only because of that. Or maybe it’s my fault, maybe I’m putting too much pressure on him trying to make him choose between his girlfriend and me? But maybe my being around only triggers him and deepens his doubts and feelings of despair?
For now, I have told him that we need a break from each other, to get to know our inner selves more. He seems to be calm so far, But this can’t last forever and I know that he will start contacting me in a short time again...
So please, answer me as soon as possible. Thank you.

I don't think the question here is so much about whether he is BPD, but why you continue to be the "woman on the side".

And you say he will be left with no one to help him? That's not true. He has this girlfriend that he isn't leaving anytime soon.

Not trying to be outrightly cruel here, but I think you need to shift focus to yourself, and look for a relationship that is going to give you what you need/deserve, not someone who is stringing you along for a year+ and giving you the guilt trip about it.

He's getting his cake, cupcakes, and pie here. Who cares if he's BPD?

AMP

MissAli wrote:I don't think the question here is so much about whether he is BPD, but why you continue to be the "woman on the side".

And you say he will be left with no one to help him? That's not true. He has this girlfriend that he isn't leaving anytime soon.

Not trying to be outrightly cruel here, but I think you need to shift focus to yourself, and look for a relationship that is going to give you what you need/deserve, not someone who is stringing you along for a year+ and giving you the guilt trip about it.

He's getting his cake, cupcakes, and pie here. Who cares if he's BPD?

AMP

Agree, with all of this. You're the woman on the side. The "it's only a matter of time before he leaves her" seems to be taking an awful long time.

Also, there is nothing in here that screams bpd. Many people with mental illness cut, not just borderlines. The rest of what you write is about him being a cheater, and you tolerating it.

Like Ali said above he won't be alone if you leave him. He'll more than likely make up an excuse why he needs you, but he has a gf to help him with his issues.

:/
yes, I have to agree with you. This relationship isn't healthy at all. Of course, it's hard for me to judge the whole situation cold-minded since I do have warm feelings towards him and I know that I'm going to miss him a lot.
..And I'm also quite sensitive and have a strong feeling of responsibility...

I figured I might also add why I suspect he has BPD, but these symptoms are only what I collected by researching the Internet (like I read somewhere here, we shouldn't make our own diagnosis from books or the Internet):
1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment - yes, I have already mentioned the numerous times when he begged me not to leave him. I don't know how he acts with his girlfriend, but from what I have heard from him she also tried to leave him
2. Unstable and intense relationships - not only this love triangle is unstable and intense, he had told me that all his relationships were "f***ed up"
3. Act impulsively in ways that are self-damaging - as far as I am informed there were 2 cases when he had cut his arm. He normally doesn't drink any alcohol, the only time when he abused alcohol (also as far as I am informed) was back then when he also cut his arm
4. Recurrent suicidal behavior - (Also as far as I am informed) he didn't really cut deeply into his veins, those were a few lighter cuts on the outside side of the arm
5. Emotions - Informed me about sometimes having the feeling of "emptiness" and low self esteem.
I can't really judge his inner thoughts and emotions, for he isn't very open and only opens up from time to time. I guess most of the time the mood is mildly depressed, though as I told before, I can't really judge his inner world.

Stella-

Even "normals" experience those type of episodic emotions, but it seems that this guy just has some problems, and can't keep his interpersonal relationships straight.

Yes, it is dangerous to "diagnose" someone from the internet and readings, but at the same time - as I said prior, I think you should focus on getting yourself out of this relationship rather than to digress into just picking it apart and finding a reason why he does what he does.

I believe, in essence, that you're searching for a reason of "what's wrong" with him, rather than seeing him for what he is. Disordered with BPD or NOT, he is the following:

Lying, cheating, guilt-tripping, dependent, and unable to put YOU first.

These things should be enough of a reason to leave.

AMP

You aren't his therapist. You shouldn't allow him to manipulate you to staying around because he will self destruct if you aren't.

Here's a thought: if he is carrying on an affair with you whilst having a girlfriend.....if you were his girlfriend, what's to say he wouldn't repeat the same behaviour with someone else behind your back?

At the end of the day, you need to look after yourself. He's an unavailable man.....and despite what you feel, you should move on.

Best of luck *hugs*

Stella, honey, just cut your losses.

Easier said than done, but still. This is a no-win situation here, for everyone involved.

AMP

Alright, alright, I get it. as I have told before, we're not having any contact now. Of course, we'll have to have some contact sooner or later, as I still have a few things borrowed from him (I think I'll send them to him via mail) and I'm pretty sure he'll also come up with phrases like "Is this really the end?" soon enough. I hope I'll have the will power to resist further contact. I am planning to move to another country next year anyway.

But I am sure now that leaving him is the best solution. For us both. For us three.

Dancing is forbidden wrote:Here's a thought: if he is carrying on an affair with you whilst having a girlfriend.....if you were his girlfriend, what's to say he wouldn't repeat the same behaviour with someone else behind your back?

Of course, I have thought of that too. It is possible, no doubt. I also feel sorry for his girlfriend. I guess she has no idea that I even exist. It’s weird, 'cause I always thought that I have high moral values and could never be dragged into such an awful situation. I guess love does make people blind after all.

We didn’t have a real "affair", by the way, as we didn’t have sex. But I’m not trying to find an excuse. Our behaviour may be seen as a mild affair or cheating. And I do feel guilty for waiting for such a long time. I know I should have left him earlier.
But I suppose it’s better late than never...

Thanks to everyone for their advice and support!

stella - emotional cheating, physical cheating...they're synonymous. i have a handful of girlfriends that are cheating on their spouses, and over half of them are considering leaving their s.o.'s because they think they're 'in love'. they're just in love with something that they're not getting at home. they're 'love tanks' are empty.

you're offering up something new, different, chemistry, passion...all of the things that people get caught up in during the honeymoon phase of their relationships. I'm not saying what you don't have isn't real, but he's done nothing to prove to you of his commitment, so why give him everything when you're getting nothing in return?

also, mailing belongings back to someone without letting them know is very passive aggressive. you should simply call, email or text that you have some things you'd like to return and then let him know you're mailing them. if he tries to tell you that he'd rather get them back in person, politely say that you don't think that's a good idea and leave it at that.

i speak from experience on all of these above situations...and my friends supported me instead of telling me the real deal. they wanted me to learn on my own because they knew i wouldn't listen because i WAS blinded by love. i wish you luck...if it's meant to be, it will be.

1. He isn’t BPD. He’s a cretinous louse. The moment “I have a girlfriend” spilled from his lips should have been the moment you walked away.
2. In this instance, a BPD diagnosis is a form of escapism: diffusing personal responsibility.

You are involved in an abusive relationship with a first-rate confidence trickster. A year or two from now when he drops you like a rock in favour of some new shiny toy, you’ll regret investing years of your life into this doomed-from-the-start venture.