Schizoids with a partner

Why did schizoids who are married get married? Or why do they have a girl/boyfriend? What do you get out of it?

The satisfaction of being part of something larger than just myself.

I really never planned on getting married. I lucked into finding someone with whom I am extraordinarily compatible, completely by accident. By that time I was in my mid-30s and felt I had pretty much done all I wanted to do as a single person. I did an intensive cost-benefit analysis...tried to anticipate all the potential negatives...and then figured what the heck. My wife was my first and only girlfriend. She's actually my only friend, period. I have a lot of respect and admiration for who she is as a person and what she's accomplished in her own life. Plus, we have very complementary skill sets. She happily does all the stuff I hate to have to do (which usually center around having to deal with people).

I'd suggest marriage as being a strictly tax benefits reason...but frankly I see no reason to get married. Granted it's probably something to do with my extended family being divorced multiple times and it seems that they get married when they get bored and want to scream about taking legal action against someone.

...doesn't that sound like fun...

I'm echoing WichitaLineman to an extent here. I had that ###$ up accidental finding someone thing happen too. We just talked a lot, I severed ties for a few months, we started talking again and I don't know, it just sort of happened? He's been my only actual boyfriend, previously it was a trying to fit in while I was in school thing that just wasn't worth the passing effort. We do have occasional 'fights' over my more schizoid quirks. He sometimes takes it personally when I don't want to talk and just have some quiet alone time, but he'll stay out of my space. As for what I get out of it, stability when I want it I guess? When I want to be alone he leaves me alone, when I feel social I can have that too...and he cooks...

(For context, I'm about half AvPD and half SPD (self-diagnosed).)

My situation is similar to the other posters:

• Never desired to be married.
• Met my future wife in my late twenties (at work, of course) and even told her I would never be married.
• Relationship languished several times after I changed jobs. However, I would always respond to her last, "OK, this is it," email.
• My wife was my first "real" girlfriend and my best--and really only--friend.
• This may be TMI, but...my first sexual experience was with my future wife (and was my first "real" sexual experience). It was both underwhelming and horrifying. The requisite closeness almost broke up the relationship. (It subsequently became much more enjoyable.)

So why am I married?

I love my wife for the wonderful person she is and to the greatest extent emotionally that I am able. She is what I am not. She also deserves the very best that I can give her and this knowledge pushes me beyond my comfort zone. I care for her deeply and have the means to provide for her needs (I'm a highly-paid developer). I work, she doesn't.

Do I ever wish I was alone again? Absolutely. But now I have some idea of what I would lose and I do not want her to be at the mercy of other people.

Welcome Semaphore!

I like these schizoid marriage stories - it's good to know that some people can make it work.

So what does it feel like when you wish you were alone again?
It sounds like you believe the benefits of your marriage outweigh the costs of losing your solitude?

Platypus wrote:So what does it feel like when you wish you were alone again?

On certain days I may need more solitude, e.g. if work was especially draining or if my own internal state demands it. Although my wife is very understanding during those periods, the relationship still causes a low level of irritation that wouldn't be there if I were alone. So why do I endure the irritation? See below.

Platypus wrote:It sounds like you believe the benefits of your marriage outweigh the costs of losing your solitude?

Some people with SPD recommend surrendering to the condition and accepting what you are because you are not and never will be "normal". I am not one of those. I've experimented with my condition and recognized that when I isolate myself and attempt to avoid all "people" stress, I become demonstrably worse, to the point of becoming a hermit. Likewise, when I expose myself to social stressors, I begin to build up a tolerance to these situations. I realize that not everyone can do this and the severity of each individual's condition will ultimately limit the range of exposure; however, the benefits have been worth the struggle. It's an idea not unlike strength training with its rewards for consistent, repeated workouts. I have a degree, I have a career, I have a house and I have a wife.

Two last points:

• My wife is very intelligent. Even without the love I have for her, communicating with her on an intellectual level is stimulating.
• I don't know if it's a trait unique to SPD, but I have an immense difficulty relying on others for support, either physically or emotionally. I realized long ago that my best chances for independence are to face my condition directly and constantly challenge myself so that I might acquire the raw materials (i.e. degree, job) that allow me to achieve my desires.

I would encourage others who suffer from this insidious disorder to push yourselves, not so that you can feel "normal" (because you never will) but so that you will open yourselves to a broader range of experiences and ultimately have a higher quality of life.

Brilliant posts, Semaphore

It's an idea not unlike strength training with its rewards for consistent, repeated workouts.

I really like this analogy, and have found this to be true for me, too. Once I get into the mode of dealing with people on a regular basis, social interactions become much less draining. I find that being consistent in this way also helpful and even necessary to maintain harmony in my relationship. My tendency is to not pay as much attention as I should to my spouse, and if I'm not conscientious about it, rifts begin to form. Since I find it extremely difficult - if not impossible- to bridge emotional gaps once they become established, it's much easier to just do little bits at a time to maintain the connection. I liken it to maintaining a garden: do a little bit of weeding every few days and you'll never be overwhelmed. Easier said than done, of course!

WichitaLineman wrote:Brilliant posts, Semaphore

agree, and thanks!

Any patterns in nons who are attracted to schizoid partners? Or is the PD a non-factor at that point, such that it's the rest of the personality that matters most?

Semaphore wrote:Likewise, when I expose myself to social stressors, I begin to build up a tolerance to these situations.

I fail at this. The longer I'm stuck in a social situation, the more uncomfortable I get, until I become stressed to the eyeball and suicidally depressed. It seems to happen with all kind of relationships - even jobs. Being social is like constant erosion...the longer it lasts, the greater the chance I'll suffer a cave-in. I have to get out so I can breathe.