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Hey,

I will be straight-to-the-point as I can be here, because I don't think you need a rambling response from anyone. you need direct points.

Firstly, this guy is gradually exerting control over your life, and it has happened so gradually such that you have never had a chance to get out. If you think back to your life before you had ever met him, then what do you see? i imagine that the difference in freedom and quality of life is huge.

You ask at the end of your post how to manage a partner who has NPD. well, my question to you is why bother dealing with anyone who mistreats you in the ways that he does? NPD or not, his behaviour is inexcusable; and his past abuse (by his guardian) cannot be used as an excuse for his present behaviour either. The relationship that you have with him is virtually one of salvery. Please try to realise that you have NEVER deserved this treatment from anyone.

You claim to love him, but my thoughts are that you are: 1) Afraid to tell ghim that tyou want out; and 2) Scared of being alone. Which is better though? Is living like a slave for the rest of your life something that you want?; or are you prepared - right now - to stand up to this bully and run free? You can do the break-up constructively or, as I've hinted, just 'run'.

Look my dear... I really feel for the situation that you are in, but anyone will tell you that you don't deserve this from him. I do understand that it's tough, but try to enlist the help of friends and family whenever you feel like breaking ties with him and becoming a free person once again.

'Love' can sometimes be confused with fear of abandonment.

Kevin

You anger him more when he senses weakness like crying and over-sensitivity. He probably only values you for any sex or to show you off. If i were you, i would seek help and an action plan on leaving him because nothing good will come it obviously. I honestly can say i have no sympathy for you because i know although i wouldn't be abusive in that regard, i would be very hostile and angry if my girlfriend was upset and complaining a lot. Even if it's for a 'right" reason, it's still considered a weakness and an annoyance. If you really don't want to leave him, then i sternly suggest you don't express any weakness and to be much more assertive and emotionless if possible. Narcissist when with girls like something they see in themselves, if all they see is weakness, then it's almost like mocking them in return. It's a bit different perspective, but that's my theory.

Hey there,

Look at the response from Pathogen. Do you notice anything about it? He's almost angry at you for expressing how hurt you are. And he's even willing to suggest, that you need to toughen up and become more like a Narc. to stop aggrevating your boyfriend. Which might be the most horrible advice, anyone has ever given to anyone in the history of the planet. (other than Jim Jones, here have some kool-aid) And even this unsympathetic Narc. advises you to leave firstly....because it's obvious, you should.

Look at what Chucky wrote, do you notice anything about that? Here's a much more caring person seemingly invested in your plight......telling you to leave.

So you've got advice from a nice guy and a not so nice guy. Both telling you to leave.

And now here i am. I'm probably in the middle...... I want to be nice, but it's just so stupid.

I really feel for you, because i understand how this can happen....you've been manipulated and isolated putting you in this position. All you've done is tried to help this person and care for this person and all they've done, is use that caring and trust, to make you their toy....to abuse as needed. To play with (what you seem to see as caring) as needed.

But make no mistake, you are just a toy to this person. And no amount of anything, will ever change that. He'll either grow tired of you, or break you.
That is, he'll probably leave you, or he'll kill you. Or if you're really lucky, he'll just beat you and call you names for the rest of your life.

I mean, i get why you're here. You're scared and you're sad and you don't know what to do.

But you do know what to do, you're just scared to do it. Because it's hard.

You get a lot from this person, drama, excitement....they make you feel good when they're nice and you want to somehow keep all that and get rid of all the bad stuff. But that's not going to happen. It's like wanting to eat KFC all day or McDonald's all day, and not gain any weight. It's like, well it's like dating a guy who beats you and calls you names and thinking that he actually loves you......it doesn't make sense.

So you're here, looking for some magical answer from someone about how you can have it all. How you can fix him and make him nicer or how you can change him and blah blah blah......

But you can't. You have to leave him or continue crying everyday.....until something even worse happens. (maybe he murders your parents? or you? I don't know, no one does, but isn't that exciting!)

So here's your answers......you can't deal with him. He's not looking for a deal........he's looking to rule you, not because he loves you, but because he wants to control you....like a videogame character.
You can't help him, because he doesn't want help. And why would he accept help from you? He throughs garbage in your face infront of people? Are you crazy? He might pretend to want help, just to control you a bit more. But that's probably unlikely.


WHat you need to realise, is you don't understand mental illness.

I do. I am mentally ill. Pathogen does.....that other guy probably does.

And what we're all telling you, is that you need to leave. Things aren't going to get better, ever. Things will only get worse. What do you want kids? Want to watch him do this to your kids someday???? Want to watch your kids become him someday??? Want to watch your son calling his wife names infront of you????

And that's the happy ending. The sad one, is where he leaves you when you're pregnant. Or maybe after the baby is born. Or maybe, he waits a few years and leaves after he's already scarred your kid for life. Leaving you to deal with a baby that turns out just like him and then you can never escape.

The point is, you can't fix him. His mentall illness, isn't going to get better. And you're never going to change enough or become enough, or make him love you enough, that he's ever going to treat you better.
Because he doesn't love. He uses. Because he isn't like you....and his not being like you is called "mentally ill"....but really, it's just him being different. And it's not some romantic difference where he learns to love you and you learn to love him......no it's the different, where he never cares about you no matter what you do for him...it's the different where he leaves you or murders you or perhaps just injures you so bad physically or mentally, that you never recover really.

Now tell me, is all that worth the excitement? The drama? The fun? The romance? Is it worth not having to put in the effort of actually leaving?

Because that's why you're staying. You're staying, because you want to. Because it's easier for you to stay than it is to leave. Because, you probably don't even know why yourself.


So really, it's real simple. Convince yourself you're staying to help him or because you deserve it or you've got something to prove by winning him over blah blah blah or whatever.......and stay. Or go.

It's really that easy. Stay and make the biggest most obvious mistake that you'll regret forever. Or leave. ANd have a chance at a future.

Twistedmister wrote:Hey there,

Look at the response from Pathogen. Do you notice anything about it? He's almost angry at you for expressing how hurt you are. And he's even willing to suggest, that you need to toughen up and become more like a Narc. to stop aggrevating your boyfriend. Which might be the most horrible advice, anyone has ever given to anyone in the history of the planet. (other than Jim Jones, here have some kool-aid) And even this unsympathetic Narc. advises you to leave firstly....because it's obvious, you should.

Look at what Chucky wrote, do you notice anything about that? Here's a much more caring person seemingly invested in your plight......telling you to leave.

So you've got advice from a nice guy and a not so nice guy. Both telling you to leave.

And now here i am. I'm probably in the middle...... I want to be nice, but it's just so stupid.

I really feel for you, because i understand how this can happen....you've been manipulated and isolated putting you in this position. All you've done is tried to help this person and care for this person and all they've done, is use that caring and trust, to make you their toy....to abuse as needed. To play with (what you seem to see as caring) as needed.

But make no mistake, you are just a toy to this person. And no amount of anything, will ever change that. He'll either grow tired of you, or break you.
That is, he'll probably leave you, or he'll kill you. Or if you're really lucky, he'll just beat you and call you names for the rest of your life.

I mean, i get why you're here. You're scared and you're sad and you don't know what to do.

But you do know what to do, you're just scared to do it. Because it's hard.

You get a lot from this person, drama, excitement....they make you feel good when they're nice and you want to somehow keep all that and get rid of all the bad stuff. But that's not going to happen. It's like wanting to eat KFC all day or McDonald's all day, and not gain any weight. It's like, well it's like dating a guy who beats you and calls you names and thinking that he actually loves you......it doesn't make sense.

So you're here, looking for some magical answer from someone about how you can have it all. How you can fix him and make him nicer or how you can change him and blah blah blah......

But you can't. You have to leave him or continue crying everyday.....until something even worse happens. (maybe he murders your parents? or you? I don't know, no one does, but isn't that exciting!)

So here's your answers......you can't deal with him. He's not looking for a deal........he's looking to rule you, not because he loves you, but because he wants to control you....like a videogame character.
You can't help him, because he doesn't want help. And why would he accept help from you? He throughs garbage in your face infront of people? Are you crazy? He might pretend to want help, just to control you a bit more. But that's probably unlikely.


WHat you need to realise, is you don't understand mental illness.

I do. I am mentally ill. Pathogen does.....that other guy probably does.

And what we're all telling you, is that you need to leave. Things aren't going to get better, ever. Things will only get worse. What do you want kids? Want to watch him do this to your kids someday???? Want to watch your kids become him someday??? Want to watch your son calling his wife names infront of you????

And that's the happy ending. The sad one, is where he leaves you when you're pregnant. Or maybe after the baby is born. Or maybe, he waits a few years and leaves after he's already scarred your kid for life. Leaving you to deal with a baby that turns out just like him and then you can never escape.

The point is, you can't fix him. His mentall illness, isn't going to get better. And you're never going to change enough or become enough, or make him love you enough, that he's ever going to treat you better.
Because he doesn't love. He uses. Because he isn't like you....and his not being like you is called "mentally ill"....but really, it's just him being different. And it's not some romantic difference where he learns to love you and you learn to love him......no it's the different, where he never cares about you no matter what you do for him...it's the different where he leaves you or murders you or perhaps just injures you so bad physically or mentally, that you never recover really.

Now tell me, is all that worth the excitement? The drama? The fun? The romance? Is it worth not having to put in the effort of actually leaving?

Because that's why you're staying. You're staying, because you want to. Because it's easier for you to stay than it is to leave. Because, you probably don't even know why yourself.


So really, it's real simple. Convince yourself you're staying to help him or because you deserve it or you've got something to prove by winning him over blah blah blah or whatever.......and stay. Or go.

It's really that easy. Stay and make the biggest most obvious mistake that you'll regret forever. Or leave. ANd have a chance at a future.

Bumping to quote for truth, despite my regret for the OP that it is the way it is.. but it is, and so, hopefully you'll see that, OP, and break free.

Hi Mica,

Sweetie, your post really breaks my heart. It is clear that you are being abused physically and emotionally. Your boyfriend has serious problems.

Before I go any further, like another TwistedMister wrote, notice how Pathogen's response is like he is annoyed and irritated with your expressing your pain. Pathogen is a self-admitted narcissist. Also TwistedMister wrote that if you want to have kids one day, maybe your boyfriend would treat your kids that way or leave you when you're pregnant. Believe me, it would happen. My narcissistic ex left me pregnant. That was a year ago January 18th. I am still not okay.

You say your boyfriend suffered abuse at the hands of his stepfather as a child. I'm sure you feel sorry for him and that's okay, but you have to understand that as adults, we make our own choices about how we will treat others. People have suffered much worse and still chosen to live their lives as good people who do not harm others. You control your own destiny and so does your boyfriend.

Is this how you want to be treated for the rest of your life? Cheated on, humiliated, slapped, beaten, etc? I don't think you want to live that way. You say you depend on him because you have no one else. But I'm sure that's not true. What about your mom? Even if you really do have no one else, it's better to be alone than with someone who treats you so horribly!

You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Life does not have to be this way! Please set yourself free from this pain. You do not need this person in your life. He is toxic. He definitely sounds narcissistic, but it sounds like he could also be a sociopath (google it). Please keep reading and educating yourself. Please see a counselor. You have your whole life ahead of you. I hope you will choose to live a happier life than what you have now - and the way to do that is to get away from this "boyfriend" of yours who is nothing more than a little punk who doesn't know how to treat women.

Remember that you hold the pen that will write the story of your life. I think it's time to close this chapter in the book of your life.

Thinking you can deal with people like this is a mistake. They operate in a completely different way. You have to be very grounded with things like this instead of being swayed by feelings. The cons far outweigh the pros in this relationship for you. What I do when the cons outweigh in a situation is leave the situation. End it now because you need to start getting over/recovering from this bad relationship and there is no reason to experience anymore pain. Its an easy choice if you just think of it in a logical manner.

If you really want to refuse leaving him for the time being I suggest slowly closing yourself off from him emotionally and taking time to care about yourself. Although this is just advice to make it easier for yourself when you decide or need to leave him.