Was my Ex a BPD? Please Help!

I am currently going through a rough time. My ex fiance of one and half years dumped me the day before Thanksgiving. This came a few days after meeting my parents, who live out of state, for the first time. I have a wonderful family who have always been there for me through thick and thin. They loved her and she seemed to love them too. She commented to my Mother and Sister that she thought I was a great man and that she loved me for the person I am.

Now about her... She is 38, I am 44. Her background seemed a little bit off to me, since I had a very stable, loving family who always offered me a lot of love and support. When we first started dating, she never said much about her family. When I asked her what she was like in High School, she just said that it wasn't a very happy time in her life and didn't really say much about it. Her father walked out on her mother and she had a "falling out" with him a few years ago and till this day, she doesn't talk to him. She has said she tried to reconcile with him but he is so stubborn that she feels it his his job to work things out. Her mother is a very loving woman, who I had grown close to. One day she called me up on the phone crying because my ex had been so mean to her. She said that we needed to confront her and see if she would go in and have a psychiatrist evaluate her and get her on some type of meds. My ex obviously wanted nothing to do with that! Her two brothers had issues. One was an alcoholic and could not keep a job. The other was basically homeless, no job and lived in either shelters or just outside. Her younger sister ran off with a Jehova's Witness and suffered emotional and physical abuse. That sister has been cut out of their lives completely.

When we first started dating everything was great. We hit it off and did everything together. She has 3 kids. One is 18 who lives with his father in Washington (result of a one night stand when she was young). The other two are 6 and 8 (boy/girl) and are adorable children. The 8 year old girl seems to have a lot of built up internal anger and she cries often if my ex was being mean to her or perceived it. Her ex husband of two years cheated on her when she was pregnant with the youngest. At first she didn't want to bring me around the kids, which is understandable, to see if the relationship would develop and not to mess up the kids. After dating for about 6 months, she broke up with me out of the blue right before Christmas. I was devestated and tried my best to just move on. After about 3 weeks she started texting me to get me back and we did end up getting back together. I really loved her and the sex was passionate.

As we went on in the relationship, I noticed she was becoming very moody and had some physical ailments. She seemed to be either in a great mood or a crappy one. She played it off like she had bad PMS so I gave in that it was just that. After we were engaged for a few months she started attacking me, saying that I was "passive" when she would get in her moods, she would criticize me for small personality things like saying I didn't have a sense of humor or I did things "half-assed". Then she would be very loving and talk about the future. She didn't make a lot of money so I had to help her with her bills and made me feel guilty because I wasn't coming to her to see if she needed money. I always told her if you need help, I am here for you. I had lost my job, and I was still helping her but she made me feel guilty for doing it. Even her daughter would say to her, "Why are you being so mean to him"?

Towards the end of our relationship she became moody and detached and I blame myself for not trying to sit down with her and talk about what was wrong. I always played it off as her "time of the month" and she was just being moody. I didn't think she would end the relationship. She did say she was bored in the relationship, but we would always do things together on the weekends with the kids or we would have a date night and do something fun. She had threatened breaking up with me before but she wouldn't do it, or if she did, it wouldn't last very long and we would be back together the next day and everything was fine. She accused me of chaeating a few times, which is ridiculous and I would walk away from her to settle things down and she would get mad that I was "running away". I was just trying to get away so she would settle down and realize she was wrong but I was always blamed for running.

She did not contact me for two days even though I tried to get her to contact me, leaving her a few messages. I received a text from her the day before Thanksgiving me telling me she was breaking the engagement and that she was sorry. I got an e-mail from her late that night that said she had "new-found emotions of uncertainty" and that it was very unfair to continue on with something she was not 100% sure about. She thanked me for all I have done for her and the kids and said she felt horrible about it.

She did not want to face me so she ended it through a text message. I had to meet her step dad to pick up the ring. I was just so shocked. He told me that I should move on and don't look back like there was some kind of thing he knew about her that I didn't. That has been a month ago and I still feel the pain. She has not tried to contact me once and I have not contacted her either because her last boyfriend stalked her and I didn't want to be the same thing. I really miss her. I loved her despite all the mood swings but I am confused if she has a personality disorder which caused things to ultimately unravel or if I am just a guy she dumped because she wasn't in love with me. She did keep saying she didn't think we were compatible towards the end but then she would also say that we never had a bad date and that we always had a great time together. She knew I was a great influence on the kids and I did a lot with them. I miss them dearly. This time I know she won't come back. The first time last year we broke up, she got on a dating website. This time, she got on the same site before she even ended our engagement. I had a bad feeling when she wouldn't return my calls and I checked and she had just put up her profile. I was crushed. If I knew she was BPD then that might explain a lot of what happened. I am just looking for some answers.

Ok, i hate reading posts like this. I really feel for you, you sound like a really decent guy.

But i have to ask.....how many dads would say "just go, don't look back". I mean, please stop and think about the gravity of such a statement. Alone, it wouldn't mean much.....but given everything you've written and everything you've experienced......can you understand what i'm trying to say to you.

I have BPD......my mother has it, my uncle....had a gf with BPD....have a few friends with it. I know BPD....and i know crazy.

All i have to say, is there are 2 giant red flags here. She broke up with you before thanksgiving for seemingly no reason. She ended your engagement, after meeting your parents, before christmas....for seemingly no reason. Part of her, doesn't care about you at all. That's why she was able to do those things, those impossible hurtful bewildering things that "normal" people would never do. Part of her, the part of her that criticizes you for being "passive" when you're trying to be nice to her, doesn't care about you at all and is a sociopath. That part of her, a very real large part of her, doesn't care how much she hurts you aslong as hurting you gets her what she wants in that moment.

I know the part of her that is interested in you and loving and passionate and excited about the future is alluring........that's a part of her too. But that's part of her, just like the sociopath part. One's not real and the other a disorder. One's not the true her and the other some part that you could bring out more only if you did the right things and acted the right way. Do you understand?

It's very hard for Borderlines/whatever your ex fiance is.....to get better. Some get better fairly easily, and some never get better at all. Most, have to work really really hard to change.......but people, with certain "cruelty" and disregard for others, such as your ex exhibits....people with that particular lack of control, especially given her age and the fact that she has children.....those type of people, still exhibiting that type of emotional immaturity and lack of control....rarely, ever get better. It would take like a monumental effort on her part, totally willing and accepting to even have a hope of becoming stable.

What i'm saying is, it's not going to happen.

And the fact she's already got a new dating profile? I mean....i'm not trying to be harsh, but i'm trying to scare you straight. Like please, do yourself the biggest favour of your life and move on. Do you want to be 54 and have her dump you? or 64? and have her just leave one day for no reason at all? Do you want to come home one day when you're 70 and tell her you have cancer and then find out the next week she's got a new profile on some site for single seniors?

I'm just trying to illustrate to you, that you're never going to be safe with this woman. She's never going to love you the way you want. Perhaps that's why you are so attracted to her? Maybe it's because she does a good job of mimicking that love when she wants to.....but it's more for her than it is for you. To bond you to her, when she wants that bond. When she doesn't, she has no problem smashing it.

I've hurt so many people like this. Basically in this same way, but not so cruel....not sure why i've never ended up with someone who couldn't take no for an answer.

I've got a friend though....boyfriend cheated on her and humilated her by bringing his new lover around all their friends, attacked his own dad with a screwdriver right infront of her, is addicted to coke.....has no money, and isn't particularly handsome or anything......yet she's back with him. He dumped her, but now they're back together....she's like 28......and it's because she has low self-esteem. She needs this loser to love her, because she can't handle a loser not loving her. (if a loser doesn't love her, then she must be less than that)

I know that has nothing to do with you.......but it illustrates the point. For some reason, she can't let this guy go....despite all that evidence that he's not a good caring person. Because sometimes he's nice, when he isn't stabbing people with screwdrivers........

I'm just wondering....why you are here, trying to find out more about your ex? She's crazy. You know that. Move on.

You are just some guy she dumped....because she's unstable. She doesn't love you, because she's a sociopath or a narcissist. Maybe she's just mean.

I think the important thing for you to do is, enjoy the experience you had. I'm sure it was amazing and horrible and fun and scary and mysterious and crushing. But it's over now and it's not your fault. You tried....and now it's time to try with someone new. Hopefully you'll be more aware of warning signs in the future and learn from this!!!!! (next time someone dumps you for no reason, don't get back with them!)

: )

Thank you for replying to my post. I am pretty sure that she knew that she had some kind of personality disorder that has been undiagnosed because she didn't want to get the help that she needed. She always blew it off as bad PMS, however I think she knew deep inside that she was pushing away the ones she loved most (mostly her mother and I). One time she told me that she wasn't very good at this "relationship thing".

Another thing I have been struggling with is if she really loved me or not. Was this whole thing just a giant sham? One thing she would always do is text me saying that I was the man of her dreams and that she couldn't imagine what life would be like without me and I was her soulmate.... But when things got tough or "boring" to her is when she would just withdraw and blame me because we would never get married, I was "shacking up" with her, etc. I was trying to sell my house and the house wouldn't sell because of the economy. I had just gotten a great new job which she was so excited to hear about that she jumped into my arms and told everyone at work about it (this was 5 days before she ended the engagement). WTF?? I find it very difficult to just be cut out of somebody's life who you supposedly had a deep connection with, connection with her kids, etc. I have thought about calling her to see how she is doing but am afraid that she won't even want to talk to me or label me a stalker like her last boyfriend. Do you think I should just keep NC or try to reach out to her because I still do care about her, for God's sake, she was my fiance! Does anyone else have situations in which they reached out to someone after they were dumped by an undiagnosed BPD or other personality disorder and what happend? Positive or negative.

Whether your fiancé truly loved you is only a question she can answer. Considering her mental instability it’s not as though you can take her word for it either way. In those moments where she told you she loved she may have been very sincere. Unfortunately her boredom and desire to move on may have been equally sincere as well. WTF is right. It doesn’t make sense and it’s never going to make sense.

I would maintain no contact. I realize she is your fiancé and you want to get closure, but I don’t think you can get that from her. You can’t save her. It sounds like her own family couldn’t even save her. There’s nothing to be gained from reaching out.

One of my exes had BPD. (undiagnosed)

We had a whirlwind romance....i ended it. Basically i got bored and started to feel guilty, as she seemed to love me more than i loved her. (at times i worshipped her (most of the time), at times i was not very nice to her, and at times, i felt literally nothing)

Anyways, we were up and down. On and off.....and finally i ended it. It was a really mature happy/sad kind of ending. Really it was like a perfect hollywood romance movie ending....so there weren't really bad feelings.

After about 3 weeks of being apart....i tried to get her back. She had zero feelings for me. She was so cold/withdrawn it was freaky. I mean, this girl was so "into" me, it was scary. Now, she acted like i meant nothing to her at all.
I was literally astonished.....i thought she was going to be so happy i wanted her back......was worried she might be angry. But she wasn't either, she really didn't care. Like in her mind, it was over and i was useless to her now.
Things ended, with her threatening to call the police because i called her too often.

It was so weird. She went from wanting to spend every second with me, doing almost anything to please me, telling me she loved me like a million times a day.......to treating me like i was some sort of stranger harassing her.

Anyways....that was my experience with an ex with a personality disorder. I try not to take it personally, she's just nuts.

I know she really loved me, the only way she knew how. Just like i loved her, the only way i knew how.

Anyways, i wasn't the only person she did this type of thing with. I remember about a month before we broke up, she cut her dad out of her life. He did something to piss her off, and she just stopped talking to him.
It was odd, because before that she'd always talk about how great her dad was. How much she admired him etc. etc....... and then, one day she was just ignoring his calls. She showed me his texts....they were like "please just call me, i love you, let me know you're ok"......and she had no reaction to them.
Like she just had zero empathy for him.

I'm not sure why this didn't register with me at the time. Because looking back, it was actually kind of scary.

Probably scariest thing, is i still love her. I mean, i know our relationship was just two crazy people using eachother......but she was just so loveable, when she made me feel like she loved me. The amount of attention and the intensity behind it, was amazing.....(when i appreciated it)

So yeah, i understand not wanting to let go. It's been umm, 6 years and i still think about her from time to time. Of course, when i think about all the times i gave her second chances and how she couldn't even give me half of one....it's easier to let go of the past.


I wouldn't want her back......hell, i didn't want her then. But there is a part, like in the times things were really clicking, that i miss. But that, was well, crazy. It wasn't ever going to last.


But yeah......i think you shouldn't try and contact your ex. You need to move on.

I understand you want to help her and help her kids and want answers aswell. But those aren't coming and honestly, i don't see how you could trust any that do.

You went through what you went through, all the answers you need are there for you to figure out yourself. You don't need anymore information from her to figure out what happened and where things went wrong.

Things were always going to end up this way. For you, for me......for our exes. The important thing, is that you don't/we don't repeat the same mistakes.

As painful as what you went through is......it could be worse. She could be taking half your money right now. You could of wasted 10 more years enduring abuse, just to end up where you are now.

Things ending is hard. I get that. Things ending for seemingly no reason, even harder. I get that. But you've got to be smart about this. Don't risk getting sucked back in. Don't be here asking people what went wrong again, ten years from now.

Thanks for the reply. I almost contact her last night to see how she was doing, but I didn't. One thing about us is that she had always said that no matter what happened to us is that we always had an undeniable friendship, a very close bond with each other. I think that is what I miss the most. We had a lot in common and we shared a lot of the same values, ideas, beliefs, etc. It is hard for someone like that to be ripped out of your life. The way she wrote her final e-mail to me, saying I was a remarkable person, and that she cares about me very much just led me to believe that she would at least keep in touch to find out how my new job was going or how I was doing, but I haven't heard anything from her. After talking a little with her Mom before I picked up the ring two days after she ended it, her Mom had told me that sometimes it takes awhile to get to know someone. In other words, my ex apparently thought that we were incompatible, which I admit we were different in someways, but then again, isn't everyone? If you really do love someone don't you accept and make compromises and love that person for who they are and what they bring to the relationships despite the fact you might be different? I guess healthy people see it that way, but do people with personality disorders see things as either, we are compatible or we are not? Can they not compromise or see gray areas in relationships? Do they ultimately go after someone who they perceive as being just like them personality wise?

Not all people with personality disorders are the same. So no one here can give you any kind of final answer.

Neither can anything you perceive your ex's mom or step dad or anyone to be saying to you.

And since your ex is so wildly unstable and also has many differnent motives to lie/mislead both you and herself, you aren't going to get any final answer from her either.

I know you want to find some certainty......from my point of view, you have. But that's probably just because i'm a person with BPD and also, i'm not emotionally invested in any outcome here. It's really easy for me to see why you should run not only far, but fast.

But i'm sure, if i typed out all the reasons why i have a crush on some woman that lives down the street for me, you'd easily be able to see how crazy i was being for not letting that go. (i am trying, but i really like her LOL)

Confidence. You've got to try and find some way of being confident in your decision to walk away. And in your understanding of what happened. (you know what happened, that's why you're here, you realised what you ex did was crazy, and you've got ample proof that that's correct.....crazy isn't going to ever make enough sense to you, you aren't crazy)


It is hard for someone to be ripped out of your life. But she wasn't ripped out of your life. She walked out of your life. She did that to you....and it wasn't the first time. That's abuse.

As for her email and her saying/making you feel like you'll always be friends......that's a way for her to have her cake and eat it too.
She gets to leave you, and she gets to leave you wanting her. That way, if she decides she wants you back....she's far more likely to be able to get you back. That's also a type of abuse. She's counting on your good nature and your willingness to compromise/(your love) as a safety net for her if things don't work out. (if she doesn't find something better, whatever her twisted (probably changing) idea of better may be)

She's probably not even aware she's doing this to you. But she is. I can clearly see it, as i've clearly done it/am probably would still be doing it to several people if they had continued to let me.

I didn't know it at the time......but i was, just using them as placeholders.

I really wish to make this clear to you. That you're being abused and manipulated.

I can see from what you've written, you think that maybe if you put up with this abuse...it'll prove to her that you really love her. Or maybe prove to yourself, that you've really found love and have to fight for it. But that's kind of just crap that works only in romantic movies.

You know who i love, my dog. I've never cut him out of my life. I've never cut him out of my life twice. I've never gone on any websites looking for other dogs, to replace him......i've never taken any wild chances with his life.

I've thought i've loved a lot of girls. I swore i did. But i was always cutting them out of my life. I was always looking for other girls, even when i was (had) my gf totally convinced i was insanely happy, even when i was.
ANd i wasn't just looking to cheat, i was looking for something that might be better, someone that might somehow be better....... i was always taking wild chances with my relationships. Telling my gf's they were too stupid or too ugly.....breaking up with for no reason one week and then talking about getting engaged the next........ and all of them, i left leaving them with the idea that we would be friends and had some special connection.

And we did......i can think of like 5 girls right now, that i think of as like super important to me. That i really loved and had a magical connection with.
And honestly, i'd be abusing/manipulating all 5 of them right now, if i could. Because i'm crazy. I can barely and only after a lot of pain and suffering, understand that what i used to do to people was wrong.
And wrong for me.

And the girl that lives down the street from me, the one i eluded to earlier......she'd be my next victim. She's already sort of been one. We became like really good friends really fast and i just totally stopped talking to her. 7 months went by and she started coming to the park that i now go to (i changed parks, just to avoid her)......and i was mad at her. Mad that she didn't act like she missed me enough....even though i was the one that walked out on our budding friendship.
The only reason i didn't do worse to her, is because i didn't feel like i could. I couldn't get in, she's married and happy and i didn't think she'd want me. But if i could of, i'd of done anything to invite her into my life, thinking i loved her and wanted her........and i'm sure, i'd of left her whenever i stopped feeling that way about her, enough of the time.

And it's only like today, and in the best of moments.....that i can clearly see that that's all i really want her for.
If you catch me 5 hours from now, it's quite possible i'll still believe i'm in love with her or falling in love with her.

I've stopped going to this new park she's found me at again too. Because it's too painful......because half the time i feel like crazy about her, and half the time i just feel crazy because i don't.
So basically i'm walking out on our friendship again. And i can't tell her any of this, because i'm not sure.......i think maybe in the future, we'll get together. I don't want to give up on that hope, so rather than explaining to her why i'm avoiding her again......i'm just going to leave, because it's best for me. Because that way i may still have a chance, if in the future i still want her.

Do you think she should get involved with me? Even if she were single, do you think she should get involved with me? Because i promise i'd make her feel we were bestfriends and had this amazing connection......because i already have. That's like the first thing i did on our like second meeting.

I mean, we've only been friends for a year. And i've already left her twice! And i plan on coming back.....because i really want her. I need her, i'm just planning on being more succesful first so she'll want me more.......does this sound like a good friendship? Could you imagine if i was her boyfriend or her husband??? How much must i love her????

She's married. She's told me several times how happy she is and how much she likes her life. And all i can think, is how i wish she loved me. How much i want her/need her to and how to best make that happen.

I mean honestly, i'm trying to convince her i'm some great friend......and all i want to do is steal her from her happy life. Because i delusionally believe i can make her happy......and i want to prove it.

And i'm aware of all this. I'm like totally aware i have BPD and i have these sinister motives and i still am finding it nearly impossible to resist them. actually, i probably can't. If she were here right now, i'd be doing whatever i thought would give me the best option of winning her over. I'd be unable to feel/remember/believe in anything i just wrote here......or i'd just ignore it and do what i wanted anyways.

And i swear, it feels like i care about her more than anything. (other than my dog)

If there were an asteroid heading towards earth and i had some magical button that could only save one person besides myself, i'd use it to save her. Even though, none of my actions indicate i really care about her at all.....even though she's really probably done nothing for me in my life and so many people have helped me so much more....... even though, i'm right here telling you i don't actually care about her and am just wanting to use her to make myself feel things....

Do you not see how crazy i am? Your ex is even crazier! Run man. Run!!! lol

: )

The funny thing is, is that she made me feel like I was the crazy one after the relationship ended. Her "Dear John" e-mail , or whatever you want to call it, was so calm and seemed so rational that it made me think that she had every reason to break up with me. Saying that when she entered the engagement she had every hope of it progressing to the next level, but her new found uncertainties, whatever that means, means she can't continue it. Saying that I would always have a special place in her heart, I was a remarkable person, she prays for my happiness, etc. My rational side thought that she would realize she made a mistake and come back to me like she had last year. That is why I immediately distanced myself from her and did not pursue her, cut off all communication, but that has not worked. Still no contact from her. I have been dying to contact her but I haven't. The thing that makes it difficult is that is not just her, there are kids that I had grown a special bond with too, but she smashed that as well. I have got back on an internet dating website, but just can't imagine meeting other women right now. I know it might not be the right time yet, but I feel like I need to do something to ease the pain. I have never felt this much pain in my life!

I know I shouldn't play guesswork because each person (and each person with BPD) is different but something tells me her feelings changed towards you simply because you were going to get married.

I have also found, on a number of occasions, that when a relationship started getting "too serious" I'd start developing negative feelings and paranoid thoughts towards my bf... eventually I realized these thoughts were irrational and really just a way of running away from commitment but - alas - realizing that didn't change the fact that I now no longer felt the same way towards him... I've tried fighting it and "forcing" myself to love the guy again (with some limited/temporary success) but there is really no point because the end result is always the same.

I'm sorry you had to go through that and hope you find a nice&stable girl next time. I just wanted you to know that it's not your fault, if anything you were probably just "too good".