Need help. URGENTLY.

Hi.

The reason why I'm writing this post is because something's really wrong with me. Yes. I know.

Almost every day, I feel miserable about life. 9 out of 10 days. Yes. Nothing can cheer me up. No one. Life has been about feeling miserable, having a great day once in while and then feeling miserable again.

Misery has been a default setting of my mind and mood.


WHY I feel this way?

Because...

I'm pursuing my degree in engineering. The system here is not student friendly.
I've got a heap of subjects to clear. They're not getting cleared.
It just seems so impossible for life to get better again.
No matter how hard I work. I don't get the result. What I get is people telling me about how screwed up I am.


Also...

I've been into music too. It has been really close to my heart.
I may not be very good at it. Due to which, I've been shown the door by many bands.
Then again you think, maybe its not meant to be...
But something you love so dearly and you don't get to it. That's when it hurts.
With your desire even you burn...

I am...

21 years old male.
I suffer from right celebral palsy.
I'm just 5 feet 2 inches tall.
I am not the regular 21 year old guy.

Physically. Mentally. I am different. AND rejected.


I wanna get out of my family. I wanna live alone. Yes.
There a desire to end my life. Every now and then.
Because I feel there's nothing much left.

I've put a part of my hear here. With hope.
I need help. I also know that I'm the only one who can help myself.

Hi, Negetrance! I moved your topic here as this forum gets more posters.
Have you always felt this way? Maybe the stress of school is finally getting to you. People should be more understanding there, they should guide students. Is there any chance of you talking to a therapist or maybe a school counselor? Is there anything that you really enjoy doing other than music, by the way? Maybe music could just be a hobby.

Hola Negetrance. You even picked a negative name!! I kid! I kid!

I understand where you're coming from - I was diagnosed with bipolar, panic attack disease, adhd, etc when I was 21 yrs old. I'm now 26. I too love music - it is an out for me when I get stuck in a "slump." My last slump lasted about 9 months - but like you - there were alot of outside factors contributing to my self-loathing/pity/misery - call it what ever you want. Money, bills, relationships, legal issues, housing issues, addcition/substance problems...

When I listen to music I really "listen" to the music and the meanings behind the songs/lyrics... I'm a fan of songmeanings.net. I also play guitar/drums/bass but have never played in a REAL band - just some jamming with friends sometimes - I prefer playing my acoustic by myself - it's an out for me.

I've also had suicidal thoughts - ways to do it, sloppy ways clean ways, easy ways, just go away... Never acted though, thank god, b/c the super deep dark depressions always eventually lifted. Plus, my godfather took his own life with a shot gun in my grandparents backyard. I saw the mess that created, literally - my cousin and I found him - but also how it tore the family up from the inside out. I actually got a tattoo on my chest that I can see every morning reminding me of him and what not to do... The mess it would leave behind... Just a reminder for when I am way down and out.

One thing that differs from me than other individuals who suffer from mental problems (depression, mania, anxiety) is that I talk to myself to calm myself down... to let myself everything is ok... everything will be ok. It's just a slump, it's just a rut... F*ck! I'm only 21 yrs old! So young! So much time for so much more! Even though, at the time, it felt like time had passed me by and it was "too late" b/c people around me were doing so much better than me - or so it seemed...

I'm just trying to relate. Don't know how good of a job I'm doing! Like I said, I've recently started to move on up from this last slump... I still have a ways to go (I will always have a ways to go). You know what changed... I've found myself a new hobby - website designing. I find the isolation comforting, but my mind is occupied now... So I'm not "alone" thinking about all the bad in my life at the moment...

I could step back and say "Woah... I'm 26 and have nothing to show for it. Claimed bankruptcy, had a house foreclosed on, been to prison and jail and rehab 6x, have 4 dwi's and 2 felony charges that will be on my record for the rest of my life keeping me from getting a good job for the rest of my life - I have no car, I've killed all my relationships and cut myself off from all the friends I thought I had..." I could go on but will not.

Things could always be worse. You're going to college for christ sake and getting a degree in an awesome field... you're 21 yrs old... young as $#%^... When I was 21 I wish I found this forum or atleast sat back to look at things and try to put the mess I called my life into perspective. Which it sounds like you are doing. Sounds like you might be passive-aggressive, so am I.

You're going to be all good my friend. Bathe in negativity b/c when it washes away you're going to look back and think to yourself "was it really like that? was it really that bad?" It may not seem like that... but you will in due time my friend. Just take it easy on yourself - engulf yourself with music and your music. That helped me alot. Listening to depressing songs I think helped take some of it away. And coming from a guy this might sound weird... but have yourself a good cry! It's such a sweet release!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Scott G.