In love with an "Alter"

Hi, I have not posted in a while, so many things have been happening, and yet somethings have not changed at all.
My Friend ( who is the Core ) is still missing, its Four months now. I have spent the past Four months in constant contact with her Alter who came to the front who is a male.

I have shared that until this happened this Alter had no idea that he wasn't separate , he thought he was a helper to my friend and the " Kids" in her system, as well as the other alters in the system. He had his own life, family , friends. It has been very very hard for him to come to grips with all of this.

I have to say that I believe he has done an awesome job taking over and running her life. There is still no contact with anyone within the system . I joined this site initially to see if anyone had experienced anything similar to what my friend is going through , as well as a place to read and learn and understand better.

The other reason I joined is the Alter who has become my friend is also in love with me, and I am in love with him. The Therapist knows all about it, and has known from the beginning he has been very supportive of it, although half the time i feel like I have lost my mind.

Not because I am in love with a multiple and an Alter in the system, who is a male living inside a female body, although that took some time to wrap my mind around. I feel like the timing of this is terrible. I have worried about what my friend will think when she gets back, if she ever comes back.

The therapist seems pretty confident that she is not going to take it badly, but really who knows. I am not that foolish in that I understand that the fact that she has now lost fourth months of her life, and many things have happened during that time.I know that I am not going to be the big issue.

Still sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind, i am in love with a man, who is trapped in a womens body who just happens to be one of my closest friends. I truly thought the therapist was going to tell us that this was wrong but interestingly enough he is so supportive that now I am thinking he is crazy too.... LOL just kidding. I am not gay, have never been interested in women, so that is strange as well. I know that if/when we meet he is going to be trapped in her body, and I think I have a pretty good handle on that. Mostly I just cannot believe this happened.

I dont want to hurt him the Alter or my friend who is the core. Sometimes i feel like if I loved him I would walk away, but I am so a part if this now that I can't get out now even if I wanted to which I dont. I have no idea if my friend the core will ever come back. Her birthday is coming up , and I know that everyone thought she would be back before then, but it just hasn't happened and to me at this point if she came back tomorrow its not going to be so easy and simple. This lost of time is huge for her, she has not lost time like this in so many years.

I am not in a position to be with him anyway. Just like he is not free to love me and be with me the way he wishes he could, I am not free either. We both understand that , and we both are just enjoying each other within the limits of our relationship. Sometimes i think its a blessing that he is so far away from me, it helps keeps us both from making any mistakes.

Anyway , he had wanted me to join a site, in the hopes that I would have some people who get it to speak to about this. Other than the therapist , and one of the core's friends, there is no one who knows about him and I . He at least has two people to speak with I have no one.

Right now there is a lot of pressure on him, both internally and externally and he and I are not really speaking to much right now. It is something we both decided on , we began arguing a lot recently and he was starting to feel physcially (sp) sick every time we argued, he has been taking my head off and its because of all the stress he is feeling because he wants this part of his journey to end . I understand this completely so I have backed away from him for a while . He is hating himself and does not want to talk to anyone right now, because it makes him want to throw up. He wants for his core/my friend to come back already, or at least to know what is going on and move forward. Instead he is in limbo which is a shame, He is a great guy, he has worked so hard to take care of things for my friend, he has really done so much to help make things gentle and easy when she comes back. He is just starting to fall apart emotionally . This has gone on far longer than anybody ever thought.

I promised him along time ago I would post about my relationship with him. I have never wanted to before because I was afraid to be judged , I was afraid that someone would say I am a danger to him and my friend. I still struggle with this everyday. I worry about them both so much. In light of the fact that right now things are strained for him and for me, I thought it was time to post this, I am not sure anything will come of it. I am not even sure what I am expecting, if anything. I just needed to be able to say it out loud ( on a public forum ) in some way shape or form that I am in love with my best friends brother ( as he calls it and refers to himself )

I am blessed to have had this chance to get to know him, to be apart of this amazing man, who happens to be an alter. He is more of a man to me than many men i know. It takes far more than a body part to make someone a man. He has stolen away my heart and I will never be the same again. I know that there is so much ahead of him so many challenges that he and my friend will face.

I wish just as he does we knew what is coming down the wire for him/her. Yet at the same time I am so grateful and blessed by this time i have had with him.

I guess there is really no question I have tho many things I think about I wonder what will happen if the core never comes back. I wonder how I managed to fall in love with an alter, who is a male stuck in a females body. I wonder why I was chosen for this task, why I got picked to be a part of what I think in the end will be very challenging , but extremely rewarding . I pray my friend is not mad at me. I feel like she is in a coma and I am fooling around with her brother while she was missing.

I worry about all the other Alters who are now missing , the kids, and everyone else that there has been no contact with in over four months. I wonder what it will be like to possibly get a chance to have deeper relationships with some of the other alters , who according to this alter have thought the world of me . I know this was true based on what the core who is my friend told me.

So many things I wonder about. I mostly wonder if I am good enough for them... they are all so special... and I am just me..


Thanks for listening tonight. It feels a little good to finally talk about it with someone other than the person I am in love with , and there is no one else. I am glad that I can let him know that I finally broke down and posted it.

I believe in love that is true to the holder and what the holder see's. If you love the alter it does not matter what physical form or appearance he takes. Love is bliss and beautiful, not to be restricted. I am sure your friend(the core) would be alright with you loving her alter. Do not be afraid of physical looks or being "gay". People will view you as gay if you in fact go with her alter. The biggest obstacle would be to get over the physical compatibility. I know for you being with someone of the same sex might seem strange or weird but I have to deal with it everyday. My Core is male while I am female. My Core has fallen in love with a female and they are engaged. At first it was very strange and I couldn't even touch his partner. Slowly I saw how lovely she was and how open minded she was to me and his "disorder". I fell in love with her just as much as my Core did and my love life has flourished. You're not alone and I will personally walk you through any difficulties you have if you need someone by your side.

~Yuriko

I don't see why it matters that he's an alter. You can still be with him even if you have to forgo physical love with him. I don't think the core will mind, just don't treat her the same way you treat this alter or she might feel uncomfortable.

My core was lost in along with me and Lac' for 3 months. Jef didn't know what had happened so he assumed he was new person who happened to wake up in Jake's body with all of his memories and that Jake had died. It wasn't until he found this forum that everything started to make sense. We all returned eventually, I took the longest to return(6 months). The core should return if he searches for her.

Freud

Yuriko,
Thank you for your kindness and your helpful and encouraging words. It is such a blessing to know that I may have found people who will understand what I am going through. Believe it or not I am not really worried about the physical form at all. I know it will be difficult at first , but I have been preparing myself for this for the past 3 months now. I think he is having a harder time with this, and he is afraid that i will not get past this. I wanted to say that I am not gay only because one of the therapists questions was, did the Alter know for sure that the core wasn't gay ( meaning what if ... she liked me like that it could present a problem ) she is not gay , and also because years ago another male Alter had been in a relationship with a women , my friend the core was okay with it. It turned out though that the women that was in the situation was really in love with the core not the male alter.... so it ended badly... I believe that what we have is amazing and special and I am honored that he trusts me and to be going through this with I want to thank you for your offer of friendship believe me I could use a friend , and I hope you wont be sorry when I write you

Freud,
I am glad that you said that you didn't think it matters that he is an Alter, it makes me feel better about the situation , thanks for that. I have passed what you shared about your experience with the Alter that I am in love with and I hope that it helps him gain a better understanding if his current situation. I have encouraged him to join a website and he has. He wont join this one because he wants me to have a place we I can be free to post . He is doing that out of love and respect for me. I really hopes he is posting on another site , as I feel it can be very beneficial for him .

Right now things are very tense for him, and things are in a huge holding pattern for me and him and him in general. I dont know what will happen, and I am not sure how he can search for her. He has been completely locked out . I have offered to leave this site , so that he can come here , but he does not want that to happen. So I really hope he is making use where he is. Thank you for your replies and I thank you for offering your insight .
Thank you again

You are more than welcome to talk with my Core and I.

Hello.

Wonder if I can be of help. I'm the alter who takes all social interactions - ergo relationships mostly go through me until i deem them trustworthy enough to meet Emily, the core, or Emily wants to talk to them herself. So our ex, who didn't know we were alters but loved us none the less, used to refer to the good and bad sides of us

It's ok if he loves both of you, or even if he loves an alter. Do you consider your alters shades of yourself, or entirely seperate entities? Because that will change how you view the relationship, of course.

Good luck. Jen.

Please keep me updated on your situation. I am always here to help.

~Yuriko

~Yuriko,
Yes I will and thank you so very much again for the offer of friendship as I am really on my own with this.

Jen ,
Hello, its very nice to meet you and thank you for your response. I think I may have confused you a little or perhaps I am the one getting confused It is not me with the DID, it is me that is in love with an Alter.. I hate even calling him that , ( because I would much prefer to recognize him as a person by his given name ) but to respect his privacy and the privacy of my friend who is the core, I cannot use names. I have considered possible changing the names , but I worry that in the end i could slip and it might just be better if I dont. He is fully aware that I am posting this , I have read him what i post and even the responses since it could be of help to him. I dont even think he would care if I used his name but I just am not comfortable as long as my friend who is the core is missing without her consent in my doing that .

So to sum up ....lol I am in love with an Alter, I am NOT in love with my friend. I do love her, but not in that manner. Will it be hard to separate that , well it is my greatest hope that when the time comes I will surprise the man i love and even myself. That what we share will not be tied into what the eyes can see but what our hearts and souls have already seen. Although I also think I am pretty practical in how I am viewing this. We have a very deep and close friendship and love for one another . One thats based on mutual respect and a strong commitment to the other person and that persons emotional well being . Would I like to see where it can go? yes I would , but I also know that may never been in the cards for us. So for now i am loving him and trying to stay supportive of him and my friend who is missing. One day , him and I will be face to face ( oh I may have forgot to mention there is a great distance between us in terms of where we live ) but for now , the bigger most important situation is getting my friend back and helping to rebuild what has happened and why over the last 4 months.

I really need to be around people who can understand. When I imagine having this conversation with anyone else in my life they would need to number 1 understand and except DID and the idea that a person can have separate people living within them. 2 That someone with DID is not just a crazy person with a mental problem that can be neatly treated and made to go away. My friend loves almost all the people within her system, now even for the ones she may not love she respects them and what the have done for her as a whole.

For myself when i imagine telling any lay person that I am in love with an Multiple , and not even the core person but a man who is trapped inside a women's body , I do not imagine a glowing response . Would I defend him and my feelings, you bet I would. I resent that i would have to , and i just need to have a place where I am not going to be looked at and made to feel like i am crazy. If I am crazy I certainly have no interest in a cure.

Thanks again

I think it's magical.

He's welcome to post here or at least ask questions through you. It's pretty common for multiples to leave for short amount of time, but not months. Usually they leave because of stress or fear. Can he remember anything. Saying my name helped a lot to get me back so long ago.