sometimes I feel like I'm an illuminati God

I mean, really. I know I'm not really like this, but I am very worshipped in some ways by some and hated by others, can't ever find quiet. I worship celebrities too and I feel really dominant, but invincible and know I'm not. Why is this happening and is it a problem?

nah bro ur just illuminati god dont sweat it

-- Tue Jun 23, 2015 5:27 pm --

nah bro ur just illuminati god dont sweat it

frogs wrote:Why is this happening and is it a problem?

For myself, I think it was (is) a way of repressing something from early childhood that I had no memory of. I had kind of a vague notion of it. For example, I have only 6 memories of my mother and they're bad (even inappropriate). Nothing good. That time of my life seemed to be off-limits for discussion with family who knew about it. Everyone seemed like they panicked when I brought it up, and had a look of "whew, that was close" after they avoided the topic.

Since becoming aware, I've seen it as over-compensation. The grandiosity (of who I tried to be) was the opposite of who my true self is, and that true self results from whatever happened in childhood.

But, I think I've lately learned it's really repressed pain (or anger expressed as pain?). To be ordinary would be to face that pain/anger. Chasing after a me that doesn't exist was a distraction. I could blame the current events (disappointments for not attaining my grandiosity) rather than the original event. It's this internal feedback loop (seeing oneself as more [whatever] than they are) that I call the "narrative monkey." It's both the false-self and the "presence" most Ns acknowledge (the noise/tension/vibe, the thing that seems to be the instruction manual for the false self).

So far, that's what I'm thinking. I think it starts with pain or anger which is repressed. That manifests itself as being someone more than you are. Not just wanting to be. But, believing it and holding it against everyone for not letting you (not mirroring it back to you).

Truth too late wrote:So far, that's what I'm thinking. I think it starts with pain or anger which is repressed. That manifests itself as being someone more than you are. Not just wanting to be. But, believing it and holding it against everyone for not letting you (not mirroring it back to you).

Truth, you know when you know something intellectually, but then you feel it too, and then it actually means something to you? I think that I've just experienced that, in a low key way.

My mother was very much a 'non'. She treated me well and loved me, but I caused her a lot of worry, (anorexia, ocd), and treated her badly - indifference, anger and spite. After she died, many years ago, I had a sort of feeling of, "Ha! Serves you right!", and I suddenly remembered half a dozen times when I had seen a look of dislike on her face, when I was being pompous, a know all, or whatever. I thought, after that, that perhaps I had been angry with her, for not liking me, although I know that she loved me.

My mother didn't behave as though she disliked me, but I suppose that I knew what I was like, really, and knew that no-one could really like that behaviour. So although it was reasonable to expect her to dislike me when I behaved like that, somehow I must have thought, subconsciously, that she should have. I don't know, this was conjecture, after thinking that I may have been angry with her.

So what you wrote, 'pain or anger which is repressed. That manifests itself as being someone more than you are. Not just wanting to be. But, believing it and holding it against everyone for not letting you (not mirroring it back to you)', made sense for me, on a more than intellectual level.

Yet again, I've got to go, but thank you, even though you don't like me saying that. (A smiley feels wrong in light of what I've written; I wish that there was a 'small smiley'.)

bitty wrote:Yet again, I've got to go, but thank you, even though you don't like me saying that. (A smiley feels wrong in light of what I've written; I wish that there was a 'small smiley'.)

Here's the smiley you're looking for:


I'm glad I helped. I know what you mean. I know I've had the same kind of grudge against people generally for not letting me be who I think I should be. For mirroring reality back to me. It's like coating disappointment in myself with anger against those who showed me who I really am. I usually feel both. Like you said, intellectually I knew it was there. I hadn't put the two things together.

Probably the closest I came to putting it together with my father: after I dove into the computer-programmer identity, was ready to "be me," he said "it's important to do what makes you happy. You don't want to go through life doing something you don't enjoy."

I've always remembered that because I felt like "why didn't you tell me that a long time ago? I've been trying to be something impressive for you, and suffering embarrassment and shame all over the place." It felt like a bad joke. (Computer programming wasn't the best thing for me. I liked it because I could absorb everything about myself in it. I did remarkable stuff -- but I couldn't do anything else. I absolutely could not balance the distractions and ambiguities of life with the concentration to write mountains of code.). So, I've always remembered that.

But, it wasn't his fault. My problem started two decades prior. It wouldn't have mattered if he'd told me that years earlier. I would have just acted up more as a goof-off. In the end, it was good I got into computers back then in the era of it being an exclusive club. I wasn't going to figure my stuff out anyway. At least I had a relatively gentle landing.

Good smiley, Truth, thanks!

Truth too late wrote:It's like coating disappointment in myself with anger against those who showed me who I really am. I usually feel both.

Yes, that's it. I can handle that reflection more now, usually. I couldn't have back then, because I hadn't acknowledged/accepted those flaws in myself. (I don't mean in the sense of being happy with them.)

Truth too late wrote:But, it wasn't his fault. My problem started two decades prior. It wouldn't have mattered if he'd told me that years earlier. I would have just acted up more as a goof-off. In the end, it was good I got into computers back then in the era of it being an exclusive club. I wasn't going to figure my stuff out anyway. At least I had a relatively gentle landing.

No, I wasn't going to figure my stuff out any earlier, either; not until I was around 50. I'm glad that the internet was around by then.

bitty wrote:No, I wasn't going to figure my stuff out any earlier, either; not until I was around 50. I'm glad that the internet was around by then.

That's a good point! I've said the youngsters are lucky because they can investigate the problem as they sense its presence. I think that would have been huge if the internet existed when I was 20

I've thought about how tragic it would be to die with a disordered view of reality. Even if life was messed up, it seems nice to know why. That it could have been better, or at least I didn't have to be tortured not knowing why. (I'm sorry for all those I tortured, however. But, knowing I should be sorry is an improvement?).

I used to see an old guy at the grocery store (long story to this). He was grumpy, looked at the floor as he walked. He would cut to the front of the line as if he was entitled because he only had 2-3 items. Customers wouldn't say anything, but the cashier might. He would would raise his voice and become belligerent like something was being taken away from him. After all the drama, he'd demand the cashier give him a discount and then grufly order/ask the cashier to take the change from his hands because his fingers were knurled and he couldn't pick up coins.

It was sad to see. I believe he was a narcissist who still is. He's angry at everyone mirroring who he's become. He's still expecting to see what he never did see, and doesn't know why.

I think about that often. I'm glad I'm not that guy. Everyone else sees a nasty old man. I saw me.

It's really strange, isn't it, how a narcissist can go their whole life in a state of ignorance and self denial about their true nature? And how easy it would be to do that, like the old man you talked about? It's not as though many of us don't try to figure ourselves out.

Talk about shape-shifting; I never knew if I was happy or not, friendly or not, etc.; narcissism is like different layers fading in and out of sight. I have an image in my mind, but it's difficult to describe without sounding completely round the twist!