Why do we deny?

For those of us here with a diagnosis by a doctor and/or undeniable evidence...Why do we sometimes vehemently deny having DID? It's almost ridiculous at times! (ie finding a letter 2 or 3 parts wrote to each other, but still deny it. Or discovering I just talked on the phone with someone for 5 minutes with absolutely no memory of it)

For me, it seems like it happens right before I have really bad memories come back. Perhaps it is all about denying abuse? But when I do that, I feel shame, guilt, and despair. It's hard to know that my parent's were part of the cause..Maybe I can't stomach that at times and turn the anger into denial?? ...Grasping to find an answer that makes this go away I suppose.

I discovered that I am actually conversing with a "thought process" that does all the denying and insulting. "I" know and understand what is going on. This "thought process" is what is creating this tension. For example, it would tell me "you're psychotic, how dare you think you have DID". Then I would reply with undeniable symptoms of DID. It would then usually say something like whatever or F&#k you. Long story short, I realized that this thought process seems to be more like an alter. Ever since I agreed to NOT say I have DID, just every symptom of DID and a diagnosis of it by 2 doctors, it has quieted down immensely.

So what gives? Have I reached a truce with an abusive part?

Denial is a defensive mechanism, often reflexive or subconscious.

DID systems are meant to help the host cope with things while functioning and seeming as "normal" and "ok" as possible. Due to the unsafe environment that they are developed in, they quickly learn and live by the "rule" that "hidden = safe", because since the environment is unsafe, they don't exactly want to be "found" or "discovered". This is a very hard concept to let go of, especially after living with it for years as most often do. Because of this, the denial defensive mechanism will usually kick in, especially during the discovery processes and chances during therapy processes (such as a stall or a lull in progress). This is often a reflexive or subconscious system response as an effort to either stay hidden or become hidden again so that they and their host remain "safe", despite the fact that bringing everything to the surface will help them to be "safer" in the long run. If the denial is successful, then the host goes back to their supposed "normality", and the system either remains or goes back to being hidden, and thus "safe". This is why it is so important to fight denial and not listen to the doubts that it feeds you. In order to fully and properly heal, therapy, trauma processing, and increasing knowledge (such as memories) are needed. If denial is allowed to win, these things will not happen, and the person won't heal.

As far as the abusive part goes, I'm not sure at the moment. I'm kinda fuzzy, sorry.


~The Hawk

This sounds very similar to a 'truce' I reached with a denial part recently. In my case, this part does not deny DID (even though I'm not diagnosed) but does deny abuse, very vehemently, to the point that I am not able to say that I was abused, even though other parts are very clear about what happened to them. I have managed to say to this part that we'll agree to disagree, which has at least helped stabilise things a bit. I think denial is definitely a protective mechanism, but it also produces a lot of stress and conflict.

tomboy24 wrote:Denial is a defensive mechanism, often reflexive or subconscious.

Seems that way. This inner voice that has been making all those accusations and argues about the symptoms seems a lot like an introject or persecuter alter.I find that I put effort into quieting it down when I talk with my doc at times. I think I'm going to stop blocking that and see what happens. **Trigger** I have always been afraid that if I didn't block it, it would say things that would convince the doctor I am a just psychotic liar loser. I imagined coming back and her laughing at me and dismissing everything that happened to me as nothing. Then I feel like I am worthless and dumb, just like when I was young. Oy...that's a bit of a realization here.

Owleyes wrote:but does deny abuse, very vehemently, to the point that I am not able to say that I was abused, even though other parts are very clear about what happened to them.

I know how you feel. It's a lot to handle. I have to be vague when I talk with my doc about the abuse. I feel silly sometimes, but vague is the best I can do. A good doc will understand and will be able to work with it.

** Trigger warning for DID development **

I have found an article on the net that explains it in a quite interesting way, that makes a lot sense to me. It basically says that the whole point (or one of the points) of DID is to deny (parts of) the trauma, just to be able to live. I think this actually makes sense. I mean, one of the reasons it develops is because it's too much to handle. That a separate part is created/split off/not integrated/whatever that handles it, so the host doesn't have to face it. And if something feels like it happened to somebody else, that's also a kind of denial/non-realization, because it's much easier to say it happened to somebody else than to yourself, but it's still not entirely true.

The information on the page is quite outdated, talking about an original, for example, but I do think it has a few good points.

** Trigger warning for defined roles, religion, maybe more, but that should cover it **
http://www.rcm-usa.org/Denial--The%20Key.htm

I'm interested in knowing what others think of this view.