PTSD and physical touch (recurring trauma)

My therapist has been fairly stumped as to how we should best approach this issue.

I left an emotionally and financially abusive marriage a year ago. Because of the mess my ex caused (and yes, I recognize the role I played accepting these things as well), I've been forced to continue a second job that is very emotionally traumatizing to me. I have been able to do it less and less (fewer nights and fewer hours overall), but it's been a slow process to cut back on and eventually get out of entirely.

My second job is as a dancer. (Yes, "that" kind of dancer.) I have no issues with the exhibitionist part of it, and the job didn't use to be any big deal 4 or 5 years ago. Customers were financially generous, and they were almost always respectful. Due to a variety of factors, though, that started to go downhill. Now, customers are cheap, grabby, rude, and if you are not willing to deal with them there is always a dancer who will. I deal with "mini" (not to minimize them, but to say it's not someone causing physical injury, or actual rape) physical and sexual assaults on a regular basis. Things like continuing to try to grab me in private places, holding me down, grabbing my hair, biting me, etc. I can't even write about some of it. I've been laughed at by the customer when I got upset. Or they refused to pay me when I wouldn't let them do things. I have had panic attacks at work, and dealt with inclinations for self-harm (like scratching myself until I was bruised).

All of this has given me a strong aversion to physical touch, from strangers, family, and friends alike. I stiffen up into a defensive mode even if someone stands too close to me. I know, logically speaking, that a stranger's hand on my shoulder to let me know I dropped something is completely innocuous, as is a family member or friend wanting a hug, but my body still reacts as if something bad is about to happen. I am afraid to schedule a surgery that I need because I keep thinking about what the doctors might do to me while I am out.

There has been one surprisingly notable exception to this. I have been dating a man for several months now (I left my ex a year ago). He is my boyfriend, but we are also in a dominant/submissive relationship. I never expected to be so happy with someone (I did try dating a few others before him). He was the first man I was able to be physically intimate with in almost two years. He cares about me and tries his best to take care of my needs. All the things I never knew I could have in life again. It isn't just sexually, though. No matter how bad of a night I have had, I still want to sleep next to him, to have him hold me, kiss me, stroke my hair. I feel completely safe and at ease with him. I never thought I could ever want that again.

It's a bit confusing to me but I have been thinking that perhaps it is because he is so concerned with my safety, that I've given control to him willingly (vs. having it taken from me), that I trust him, that I feel okay with his physical touch? I don't want (regardless of whether or not he is "the one") him to be the only person I feel safe with though. I fully recognize that most people in this world are not out to get me, that my family and friends want physical contact with me because they care about me, that doctors are there to help, etc. I don't know how to expand the people I feel safe with though. I worry about the things that I still deal with, but I don't know if that will limit me from being able to expand these "safe interactions."

Any insights on how to deal with this trauma which is still occurring and how to work on expanding the circle of people I feel safe with?

Thank you.

You may be on the right track with the distinction between you willingly granting contact, as opposed to what happens at work where people invade both your space and your boundaries without your permission.

If so, then maybe you could apply that same method to those that are close to you. You could ask them if they mind allowing you to initiate contact first. I'd think they'd understand. If you do that successfully and often enough to become comfortable, then eventually you won't mind as much if they initiate.

There are other conditions with the symptom that people are uncomfortable with close contact. So this is not a new concept, it's just that most people are accustomed to it and don't mind, or really even notice. Some people are raised in families that are not physically affectionate, and those people too struggle a bit with hugging & greeting. Your family and friends sound like they are expressing affection in a normal way, and may not realize how you've been affected by your work.