I think I damaged myself

Please don't laugh at me, this is serious.

From as long as I can remember I have always been aroused by the idea of being tied up and tortured. I know this is a common "fantasy" for those into S&M type stuff but I think mine is a true paraphilia, in that it was obsessive and exclusionary of other sexual activities (I generally find sex and other people's bodies unattractive). I may post more about how this came to be in another thread.

Anyway, around the age of 16 I started researching my "condition" and found various S&M sites on the Internet. One of the "ideas" I got from these sites was to place things on my nipples in order to cause pain (I am male). Unfortunately, the objects that I chose were not designed for this purpose, they were tiny "alligator clamps" with sharp teeth that you use to connect wires in a science project. Anyway, I would place these on myself and masterbate facedown, placing pressure on them in order to induce more pain, and I did this repeatedly. The nipples would be tender for a couple days afterwords, but I didn't think it could do any permanent damage at the time.

I am 26 now, and I have noticed for a long time that my nipples (especially the right) were oddly shaped and sort of deformed looking, and I wondered if what I had done could have caused this, but I never took it too seriously. However, recently something caused me to examine them a little more closely, and the more I look the more I am convinced that I did this to myself. I know that male nipples serve no function, but I am worried about other people seeing them and what they might think of me and how I will always be self-conscious. Then I started looking other men's nipples, and noticed that they are perfect little circles, not all weird shaped like mine, so this only reinforced my fears.

I don't know if I can live with myself having done this. Am I some kind of freak? Did I really have to take a risk like that for some sort of short-term sick sexual pleasure? It's not that I am ashamed about my sexual fantasies, I did not choose them, it's just that I might have permanently damaged myself in a way that was unnecessary and stupid, and I only get one body. I now worry about this obsessively - for about three months I have thought about this at least once an hour while I am awake. I go to bed early because I am depressed (about this among other things). Even at night when I get up to go to the bathroom I think about it. I have tried talking to a psychologist, but I think the reassurances he gives me are just rationalizations. I might go to the dermatalogist to ask his opinion but I think he might judge me if I tell the the true story of what happened.

Because of what I have done, I fear I will never never look or feel "normal," and I will always have this "mark" of being a freak, even if nobody else understands what it it is. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life and family. Other than this one thing I am the most conventional person I know, not into tatoos or piercings or anything like that, and that is why this is so hurtful. I feel horrible, I just don't know what I am going to do with myself.

As I read your post, I neither laughed or once thought you are a "freak". I can understand why you feel low about what you did, but there is no need to feel that way whatsoever. I could list a large amount of 'weird' sexual things I did to myself when I was younger. However, they have never once made me question my sanity or 'freakiness'. I merely view them as a consequence of growing through puberty. I had a large sex drive back then it seems, but ironically I have no sex drive now! I'm 27, by the way.

To repeat: There is no need to feel ill about what you've done. To be honest, I think that male nipples are commonly different. My left one looks kind of weird, but my right one looks more 'correct'. I have heard other males express the same.

Kevin

Thanks, that made me feel a little bit better.

However, I still think that the deformities are a result of what I did. I don't feel guilty about what I did so much as the fact that I think I permanently damaged myself doing it. I could have taken precautions to prevent that, if I wasn't so impulsive, stupid, and short-sighted.

try to be careful sometimes

Since you bumped the thread: this is something that still causes me anxiety every single day, I am highly distressed by it (along with so many other things), I don't even feel comfortable taking my shirt off to swim anymore, because the more I look at them it's obvious the (extensive) damage is a result of what I did. I feel like nobody will be able to love a person who has mutilated themselves in this sick way, not necessarily for any aesthetic reason, but because they would have to be as ###$ up as me, and not many people in this world are this ###$ up. I would have plastic surgery just to make them look normal again, I would pay out of pocket, just to put this shame behind me, but I don't think anything can really be done without risking more scarring. It's bad enough when you have screwed up thoughts, but it's a whole other thing when you have permanently marked yourself this way.

Hey again dude. Would you be prepared to raise this issue with a doctor near you? I mean, if these thoughts are still festering in your head, then wouldn't it be best to go?

Kevin

Kevin,

Well I actually did ask my GP about it awhile back (he's very understanding about these things), he said that the variations didn't look that abnormal to him but it could have been caused by what I did. But he only looked at them for 2 secs, and nipples look different depend on the state of erectness (?), and I look at them all the time to try and reassure myself and I just become more and more convinced that I did cause the deformities, esp. when I compare them to other people's. I think he thinks I'm just OCD, and yes, but OCD and paraphilias are a horrible combination, as many on this forum attest. I have an apt. with a dermatologist tomorrow for something unrelated, I might ask his opinion as well as well; but it won't help because if the damage is done then it is done. Actually I only responded because of the bumped thread, honestly there are issues that bother me far more than this, the anxiety just cycles between them. Thanks for your concern though.

OCD could be magnifying this issue - yeh. I have OCD and can easily see how that could happen. In my own case, my left nipple has always looked 'more dead' than the right, which seems to be constantly errect. I dont' have any explanation for it, but it doesn't bother me. My last girlfriend pointed it out one day and laughed, but it still didn't bother me. I seriously doubt that your 'nipple' 'problem' will mean you are any less likely to have a partner than any other person.

Kevin

It's more of a self-concept problem. Like I said, it's not so much an aesthetic issue, it's that if somebody really knew about my thoughts and history they wouldn't be able to love me. But you're right in that this is probably the least of my concerns.

The truth is that there is probably no way to know for sure. What is the answer you are looking for? Because nobody who is honest can definitively say yes, or no.

Maybe you caused it. It's also entirely possible that you didn't cause it and it would have happened anyway no matter what you did. Which is better for you? To confirm it, deny it, or live with it either way?