Just found out my BF has pedophilia.

I'm really nervous about writing this or uncomfortable, only because i feel like its disrespectful to my boyfriend. But I want to be supportive and understanding, to do that i feel like i need some advice or information.

Yesterday I came home and he had a bag sitting out which was on my side of the bed i went to move it and noticed some journals. He told me he liked writing and doing poems when he was younger so i thought i would snoop. May i say that i regret and feel horrible for doing this because it was a book about his disorder(he writes about it as a disorder) and his feelings, struggles, likes, societies views. very much detailed from personal to research like entries. NOW PLEASE KNOW i only feel horrible because i invade his deepest private area. I did not give him the opportunity to approach me, i feel as if i stole something from him.

He is aware I snooped because i did not hide that i looked. I want to talk to him, I want to understand and he all together isn't a great communicator when it comes to feelings. I asked him to have a heart to heart with me and i'm afraid of saying the wrong things. If you were in this situation how would you want your gf to approach this? i'm only 8 years younger (25, him 33) I recall him saying he thought i was younger when we met, and then i was curious but it didn't phase me.

I am going to be as honest here as i can, but please understand i'm confused and curious but i want to run some questions i have for him.

Have you acted upon anything that would be considered illegal by societies standards?
Age range of attraction?
triggers?
how do you control your feelings?
how long have you known?
does anyone else know?

also do you all think there should be questions i should be asking... I know that i also want to be selfish and ask him if i am i adequate enough... do i reach the criteria because obviously i'm beyond puberty.

he has dated much older women than i and he does flirt with them and in general he likes women he is very open with me about this, so i'm not sure if pedophilia is just one part that concerns him specifically because of how society oppresses the disorder.

I want to talk with him because i want him to feel safe with me, know that it doesn't change my feelings. today my outlook as been tainted, but i feel its because i have questions. I want him to feel comfortable in this home, and that if he wants me even though i don't fit that category then i'll be here.

I don't think it's advisable to ask too many questions yet.

Make it clear that you are accepting of him and that you're always open to talk about it.

A lot of people date unattractive people and have a good sex life anyway so I think he will be fine with you.

Just let him reveal himself to you at his own pace.

It's admirable that you're so supportive.

I'm sure you know these things but I just want you to know. Majority of pedophiles don't offend. Majority of child molestation is committed by situational offenders who are not actually attracted to children. Many pedophiles live their entire lives without harming a child. Lots of people freak out that someone attracted to children will molest their own child. Just because they are attracted to prepubescent children does not make them a monster who would hurt their own child. There is a difference between being a pedophile and a rapist who would engage in incestuous acts. There can also be exclusive and non-exclusive pedophiles. Exclusive pedophiles are only attracted to prepubescent children while non-exclusive pedophiles can be attracted to prepubescent children and adults. I'm sure he is non-exclusive and isn't 'settling' with you. I'm sure he finds you attractive.

Obviously you would have lots of questions and having someone close for support should be amazing for him but go slowly. Talk to him about it first and then slowly ask questions if it seems appropriate.

I am aware he isn't going to hurt anyone and I would still have children with him regardless. I'm not unattractive either. The part saying that he is non exclusive did help me understand. We tried to talk last night and he almost left me. Only because I now know. It's something he runs from. I've decided to give him his space on it and if he ever wants to talk about it he can come to me he is aware that I'm not going to freak. I'm not worried about him being this way. I only worry that he beats himself up over it.

Maybe he still needs to accept himself. Society judgment is so harsh that can even make him hate himself, when there's no reasons for that.

I think you've been incredibly supporting. It's ok to have questions, and the taking it slow it's great advise.

:/ he almost left? Maybe he feels ashamed. Hopefully he'll see you are not judging and he will get to see that him feeling an attraction doesn't turn him into anything bad or unacceptable.

-- Thu May 14, 2015 11:30 pm --

PS: I also think that it is a weird way to use the words: "has pedophilia". Because it would be like saying that girl has heterosexuality. It feels weird for me.

Sorry to hear that he almost left. If talking about it would help him then hopefully one day he can open up. If he can't talk about it then hopefully that doesn't affect either of you in this relationship. Good luck.

So far, I've only ever spoken about this with people I've chosen to tell. Someone finding out on their own, without my bringing the subject up would probably frighten me, even if the person was supportive. I'd reconsider if I've done enough to keep myself safe.

That fear would probably color a lot of my initial reaction, and I'd probably turn inward and shut down. It'd probably be pretty hurtful to the person I was acting that way with. I wouldn't mean it to be, but I don't think I'd be able to say much until I sorted out the initial panic reaction, which could take a while.

That said, I'd probably want her to make it clear she considers this my secret to keep or tell, even though she's stumbled on it. I'd also appreciate reassurance that she doesn't think I'm a bad person because of my sexual orientation. If I hadn't said anything up until that point, it would be partially because I was afraid of the answers of those two points, so making those clear would be helpful.

I'd probably want space, but I'd also be worried I'd waited too long sorting out my own $#%^ after I was done and think further conversation would be unwelcome. A few weeks after, if he hasn't come to you to talk, remind him that you're still willing to talk about it if he feels like it.

I'd also recommend having an alternate conversation topic ready. When you're done talking about his orientation, and how this will effect things from this point on, don't end the converstation on that note. Talk about something light and fun, something to show, rather than just tell, that things aren't going to be akward and uncomfortable between you two.

If this is his first time having someone know about this, he'll need to experience things getting back to normal to reassure himself that his life isn't over now that someone else knows. I know I was worried about that when I first told someone.

The fact that he is treating this as a disease is probably not good for him, since it means he has likely internalized a lot of harmful myths about pedophiles. I know I did, and it took me years to unpack all of that and get to a position where I'm happy with myself.

I wish you both well, and hopefully you'll both find things will get back to normal between you sooner than you expect. Just with one less secret putting distance between you.

I am myself a non exclusive paedophile.
I would guess he is scared because you found it out. It would freak me out if my GF found out and I would not get a chance to talk to her about it without prior knowledge. But I have told my GF about it and she supports me. And I also told my parents about it. To this day I still feel some anxiety from telling them. From time to time I feel really scared knowing that they know. Therefore you can probably expect your BF to be very cautious. Probably questioning if he can really trust you. Don't take it personally. Be there for him if you can, and make sure he understands you support him. Time will probably make it alright.

Just an update. POSSIBLE TRIGGERS

I want to thank everyone for being so informative before and let you all know we are doing well.

After finding out and him getting upset I worked more on showing him that I respect his privacy and secrets. In time he said maybe we could talk about things, I said okay and left it at that. You can't take the little your given and run with it. So I didn't pry.

BUT I continually demonstrated that I was accepting of him and never changed my ways of talking about children, or the girls in my family. I never stopped telling him I want a daughter with him and I never will. I have also opened up about myself being an adolescent and talking to men 3x my age. These only came up because maybe a movie or something opened up to the topic.

My 8 year old cousin has a dance recital coming up and from things I read I'm aware it can be a trigger for him. He was invited prior to my knowledge and I reminded him that it is this week. I asked him which night he wanted to go. And he answered, but last night we were up late and he asked about the men I talked to and what made me do that. I told him about the things I did and the guy I protected from getting in trouble.

We left it at that then an hour later he mentioned how he admires watching videos and if that was bad, there isn't anything sexual happening in these videos. And I let him know that it wasn't. I feel like as time progresses he will be able to open up more, but I'm so thankful for what he has given me and I think things will work out.

Has pedophilia? Is it contagious?