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Need to stop

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Need to stop

Postby HookedonPix » Sat Nov 15, 2014 2:34 pm

-- Sorry I don't know if this is a duplicate post, I tried posting it before but I don't know if it went through --

Hello all, I am new here. I am a 39yr old male from Arizona, married (for now) with a daughter. About a year ago my wife found some pics I had been looking at online (underage kids) and has been struggling with how to deal with what she saw. She has caught me before in an online chat room, chatting about kids. The most recent incident, the pics were troubling for her and she has come to the conclusion that she wants a divorce. She is being very supportive in the fact that she is not disclosing the real reason for the divorce to the court or our family & friends, she has just said that she wants to split once we are financially able to do so. She has said that I will still get to see my daughter and things won't be that bad, but I am still very uneasy about what the future will bring. Being on my own isn't something I enjoy thinking about, as I also have anxiety and depression issues.

My downward spiral started many years ago, and my poison of choice as I said before was chat rooms and pictures of underage kids. I felt a need to seek out this type of satisfaction anytime i could be alone and on the computer. I have spent many nights chatting online and looking at pics when i should have been sleeping, only to pay for it the next day dead tired.

The times my wife caught me, I thought I could handle this myself and just stop. I did stop for a while and then gradually got back into it once the desire became too strong to ignore. Now I know I need help and support or I will go back to doing it again and wind up on the news after being arrested for child porn pics. I don't want to be this person or whatever I have become, I just want to be a normal guy that doesn't get aroused by naked kids. This obsession is costing me the most valuable thing to me, my family.

I have never touched a child in any sexual manner, have never tried to. My chatting online with others has always been about "fantasy", not actually committing the acts. I was never abused as a child that I know of. I think my obsession with porn started when I was a teenager, my father always had plenty of nudie mags and videos around (legal ones), and like any teenage boy I was instantly drawn to the naked images. Having no luck with the girls growing up, my sexual desires were fulfilled by fantasy and later the fantasies of younger and younger females and then males.

I am not trying to make excuses for my actions, what I have done is not excusable. I just need to stop and need support to do so. I don't have many people that I would call friends, just some people I know. This is a very difficult struggle and I don't like what is happening.
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Re: Need to stop

Postby rainbowstar » Sat Nov 15, 2014 6:35 pm

In my view, off-hand... this is really no different from any other addiction issue: be that nail biting, computer games, marijuana, smoking, exercise addiction and so on and so on. I would personally put all the moralizing aside. A lot of people don't believe there is anything wrong with liking kids or with looking at pictures, so stop with that judgmental line of thought. That's the content; it doesn't matter what the content is: cigarettes, an exercise bicycle, scabs you pick at, a baggie of crack, a box of cookies, or pictures of kids: the form is what's important and that form is addiction. Most addictions are basically similar and they are overcome by observing yourself and getting insight into yourself and your mental and emotional life.

Have a look at this link to the NA workbook,
http://peninsulaareana.org/NA-Step-Working-Guide.pdf

It doesn't matter what the content of your addiction is; now that you've identified a behavior as undesirable and unmanageable you can start to work on understanding yourself; and that's eventually going to put you in a position to live in a way you feel good about. Some people can smoke only at parties, others exercise just to stay in shape, some people get off on looking at sexy pictures of kids; but for certain people these otherwise morally neutral or even positive activities become obsessive, destructive, and out of control.

Addiction is a fairly well understood mental process that has affected millions and millions of people; and while a lot end up destroying themselves, just as many are able to figure themselves out and come to an understanding of how mind and addiction work -- this becomes an opportunity to start a whole new life, very often even richer than before they became addicted.

You're going to start with educating yourself, observing yourself, and a lot of soul searching: maybe tearful and scary, but it's like the caterpillar and the butterfly; you can come out of it something new and living and beautiful.
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Re: Need to stop

Postby HoryLeo » Sat Nov 15, 2014 7:05 pm

You need to come to terms with the fact that this attraction of yours to kids is probably not something you can get rid of or even forget. I'm not saying you should stop trying to remove your attraction, but it might be best if you started accepting this part of yourself and just viewed every day you overcome the urge to look at child porn as a success! Dismiss the posibility of becoming normal and start learning how you could hide your attraction better .. - but this is not your main issue right now..

Let's talk about the chances of you being able to salvage your relationship with your wife in case you are ready to keep your actions hidden next time the urge gets too strong. From what you wrote, it seems like a divorce is imminent, but have you sat down, talked to your wife and tried coming to a mutual decision that wouldn't change both of your lives and affect your daughter? A decision like you going to a therapist. You need to show her that no longer being attracted to kids is what you want most. Ask for her patience and support. You may not be able to stop the divorce, but you have the chance to convince your wife that you can become a changed man in the future (-by hiding your attraction).

I wrote the last paragraph keeping in mind both your depression issues and your love for your family. If you feel yourself able to move on, though, I suggest you do it because a woman that is not willing to help you through this situation is not worth it.
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Re: Need to stop

Postby Wally58 » Sun Nov 16, 2014 7:20 pm

The internet makes our best and our worst traits available 24/7 in stereo and in color and in the privacy of our homes. It may help to join a group of people going through the same thing as you so you don't feel so alone with it. You aren't alone.
Sexual-oriented websites are more powerfully arousing than our father's old-fashioned paper picture magazines. They are always trying to get me to 'click' the button for a deeper level of arousal. I must resist the urge to click.
My thoughts are with me at work and in my dreams. It can be real hell when my mind is idle. I wonder what is wrong with me and hope that no one around me can tell what I'm thinking. I am so ashamed.
Find someone to talk to. Therapy is one-on-one or in a group, but costs money. SA is a group of those like us and is free. Find a sponsor and work through your demons. I had to. Best of luck to you.
http://www.thefix.com/content/sexual-ad ... 2?page=all
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Re: Need to stop

Postby dkbluiis » Tue Nov 18, 2014 1:20 am

Everything you posted sounds like me exactly. Sexuality is a powerful thing, and it's really, really difficult to quit on your own. I'm in recovery in therapy and a twelve-step group, and I hope you can find help like that, too. Just be aware that the fact you can see what's going on is a huge first step.
Never give up; never surrender!
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Re: Need to stop

Postby HookedonPix » Sat Nov 22, 2014 6:03 pm

I appreciate all of your positive comments, I was worried about posting in here and having a bunch of people bashing me for this problem. The thing of it is, I don't want to feel comfortable with this issue or these urges. This is something that has been a dark part of my life for too long and there isn't anything positive that has come from it other than short moments of satisfaction, and that short amount of satisfaction seems to be enough to draw me back every time.

I am find myself often depressed when I think how I have affected my marriage, my wife fully believed I would never do anything like this. I am praying for some kind of miracle to save my marriage and keep my family together, but at this point I think its rather hopeless.

I try to find other things to do with my time so I am not tempted to go back to old ways, but its almost like the damn things just keep calling to me trying to weaken me. For those of you that have gone through this or are going through this what has helped you?
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Re: Need to stop

Postby rainbowstar » Sun Nov 23, 2014 10:14 am

HookedonPix wrote: For those of you that have gone through this or are going through this what has helped you?

As I say to you above, looking at the pictures of kids is the symptom, not the disease. You could throw out your computer for instance, but that won't so anything about the underlying problem; the virus is still there and will instead express as beer drinking, or excessive butterfly collecting, or workaholism. The deeper problem is almost certainly ego defect. The cure for this is mind-training. That's going to take some time, because up until now you have spent your whole life being trained by others, who may have thought they meant well, but the result was a person who is not whole. There isn't a quick fix; instead you're going to need to educate yourself about yourself.

Maybe start with seeing a counselor (not a psychologist); join an ACIM or Compassionate Communication study group; or read some topical self-help books. For instance you could get Robert Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy from Pirate's Bay and at just 0.5MB it will take about two minutes to download. You might also want to try checking in regularly with this support group. Make some connections, post everyday.

Looking at the pictures of the kids online is a strategy to meet some of your universal human needs. Reflect on what needs those are. Sexual expression, ease, safety, aesthetics, beauty? And think about what other strategies you could use to meet those needs?
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