Paedophilia, depression and suicide

Hi guys, this is going to be rather a morbid post, so please bear with me.

I'm 21, male, and a paedophile, attracted to boys at the height of childhood, just before puberty. I believe I've been suffering from depression, or something similar since my early teens (I have no formal diagnosis) and it's been getting steadily worse as I've gotten older. Ruminating as I do on the subjects, I've been trying to figure out the causal factors of my depression, so that I may attempt to palliate them. An experience I've had this year has provided some answers.

I fell in love with a boy, quite profoundly, insofar as I felt a strong connection in terms of our personalities and temperaments. It was just magical, I've felt nothing like it before. It wasn't simply one sided as well, although his affection was likely of a different nature, him being so young (no inappropriate behaviour took place at any point). Anyway, I'm no longer able to see him, which of course does not serve to mitigate the symptoms of depression!

From this experience, I've learnt the power of influence that love can have on a person: when I was with him, everything was right; everything made sense. I was motivated, enthusiastic and positive about life as I've never been before or since. Having suffered from a mood disorder for so long, this was incredibly liberating for me. Now we're heading to the morbid part.

Being a paedophile, I know for certain that I'm never going to have this connection with a life partner; my only respite from depression is something I cannot have (the reasons for which I completely understand). I can't imagine living another 50+ years without having this influence in my life. I've been trying to figure out what purpose my life can have without love as a catalyst, and the only reasonable solution to my problem seems to me at this time to be suicide. Now, I'm not of a hysterical nature, and I've reflected on this at some length.

I cannot seek help for my depression, because that would involve revealing my sexual identity. I love working with children (although I'm not doing so presently), it's the only thing at which I'm very competent and successful (and I genuinely did not enter this field to have access to boys, as implausible as that seems. Indeed, I've worked with girls most of the time, with whom I have no sexual interest whatever). If I were to reveal my sexual identity to a psychologist, I would very likely be prevented from working with children, the consequences of which would rather defeat the purpose of seeking help for depression, given that working with children is a positive aspect of my life. I've considered seeking help without revealing this information, but I fear that, given the expertise of psychologists, they would end up teasing it out of me, when exploring the causes of my depression, and in any case the treatment I would receive would not be based on accurate information, and would therefore likely not be very effective.

So I'm stuck in a rut: a major causal factor of my depression (the loneliness and helplessness at the reality of live without love) is something about which I cannot discuss with a professional. I'm therefore doomed to suffer from this affliction for the remainder of my life. I'm tired of feeling like this all of the time, and ending my life wouldn't be taking very much away from me. I'm not very close to my family, so I don't believe my death would have a large impact (although it's certainly on the list of 'cons'). Whenever I research the subject of suicide, I find the same old boring platitudes about how death is never the answer and there's always tomorrow, and I find them very uncritical: perhaps some people's prospects are so bad that they mightn't bother putting themselves through decades of misery. I'm fed up of constantly having to be dealing with these issues, and I feel like I've lived all that I'd like to.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I'd just quite like to hear some interesting, non-cliche views on suicide in relation to paraphilias (particularly paedophilia) and mood disorders. Thank you for taking the time to read my story.

Incandescence

I've joined this forum because of reading your post.

Can I first of all assure you that you are not alone in your feelings. There are so many people out there that have undergone the same pain and struggle as you have. To feel such intense love, tenderness and yet not be allowed to express it is very painful. It's a cruel world we live in if you're a paedophile.

Your working with children having nothing to do with fulfilling your desires is not at all implausible. But it's a reflection of just how much society misconceives our desires that most non-paedophiles would think so - society has as much understanding of paedophilia as witch-hunters in Salem had of the little old ladies they burnt at the stake.

No, I'm sure you deep down realise that if you're good at your job it's because your paedophilia has given you a deeper insight and connection with children - paedophilia can be a gift, both to yourself and to the children you work with, if you use it correctly.

Yes, it's a bugger knowing you'll never fully realise your love. But in a sense you can - yes, you'll have to hide your love, but it does happen that you can meet a child for whom you can be a good influence - Long ago I became friends with a little girl - she'd been neglected by her father, was doing badly at school, and was painfully shy. We became friends, a friendship that lasted 5 years - during that time I taught her how to swim, ride a bike, we studied birds and nature together, played football, I took her to concerts, the cinema, art galleries, we developed our sense of humour together and delighted in each other's company.

Over those years she changed - she rose to the top of her year academically, and became confident, interesting and interested. She also knew that I loved her and realised that she was beautiful and someone deserving of love. She is now a successful beautiful adult.

And at no point did I trouble her with my desires.

If you are a sensitive and caring person such opportunities to enrich children's lives will come your way - sometimes in small ways - just making a child feel appreicated, giving them a respect and attention that they're not used to receiving from adults, sometimes in greater ways.

Your challenge, my friend, my fellow-sufferer, my fellow-appreciator, is to turn what society so furiously wants to make a negative for you, into a positive. It's not easy but it can be done.

And don't forget that other gift that being a paedophilia has given you - of being able to see beauty of body and mind somewhere normal people at best just see 'cuteness'.

I hope you can see your way through your current black spot - 'we' all suffer these - remember that they won't last, but your capacity to see this secret beauty will always be there to bring some joy to your life.

And remember that you're not alone - your black feelings can be seen out and survived.

Well, based on your respone to my post, I know I'm I'm in a situation very similar to yours. That happening on top of my friends deserting me recently has probably put me in the worst mental/emotional state I've ever been in. I have considered the prospect of suicide lately. I've never actually considered doing it, but I just think about it sometimes. I think how much easier it would be to just not have to deal with all this emotional torment anymore. When I reach that point, I usually just leave my house, and walk. I just walk as far away from my house as I possibly can. It's almost like if I walk far enough, I'll be able to escape my life and just start a new one.

Honestly, I can't really think of any views on suicide that arent cliche or boring platitudes (I'm also not saying suicide is ever a good idea). All I can say is, if you ever feel like you're falling down into that state, you can message me, because I'm probably feeling something similar.

Hope I at least provided some insight.

-- Sun Jun 22, 2014 12:15 am --

Well, based on your respone to my post, I know I'm I'm in a situation very similar to yours. That happening on top of my friends deserting me recently has probably put me in the worst mental/emotional state I've ever been in. I have considered the prospect of suicide lately. I've never actually considered doing it, but I just think about it sometimes. I think how much easier it would be to just not have to deal with all this emotional torment anymore. When I reach that point, I usually just leave my house, and walk. I just walk as far away from my house as I possibly can. It's almost like if I walk far enough, I'll be able to escape my life and just start a new one.

Honestly, I can't really think of any views on suicide that arent cliche or boring platitudes (I'm also not saying suicide is ever a good idea). All I can say is, if you ever feel like you're falling down into that state, you can message me, because I'm probably feeling something similar.

Hope I at least provided some insight.

I've been suicidal before. Lately, I've found that in circumstances where I'd previously be contemplating suicide, I've been contemplating outing myself instead.

I guess the idea is that if I out myself to a person and they're trustworthy and compassionate, I've got a measure of release from the emotional turmoil. If they reject me and try to cause me harm, well, I was in a bad enough emotional state to be suicidal before that happened, so they're hardly making things worse.

I'd suggest trying to find a psychiatrist and opening up before going ahead with a suicide. There's the possibility that they'll understand and not destroy your life, and if they do, what life was there for them to destroy if you were planning to kill yourself anyway?

When I was younger, I was bullied badly enough that I decided I didn't care whether I lived or died, and after taking one last sucker punch, attacked one of the bullies intent on either killing him or making him kill me and not particularly caring which. We were pulled appart, but not before I took enough damage to shatter most of the bones in my face and require reconstructive surgery, with doctors openly commenting their surprise that none of the bone fragments went into my brain. The resulting legal action convinced the school that they needed to start taking my safety seriously, and things improved for me.

When things get bad enough, something has to change, and sometimes our options for bringing that change about are limited. I hope you don't end up killing yourself over this, since I think you still have other things you can try.

I too am in a similar position to you & can fully empathise. Societies attitude to those of us with this condition is utterly despicable. We are regarded as subhuman persecuted, discriminated against to the point of suicidefor & made to feel 'guilty' for something that we have no control over. They blame us for something we were born with. That is delusional, cruel, unjust & immoral on their part. I recommend you read 'The Moralist' by Rod Downey. It is an inspiring work & will provide you with the inspiration & insight that our so called civilised society refuses to grant. You are not abnormal or unnatural in any way. You are more normal than you realise & in fact, you will quickly come to realise that it is societies attitude to the phenomena that is abnormal & unnatural. Hold your head high & never be ashamed of what nature has produced. You're existence is not a moral failing.