Alis-Aquilae's Journal

Replies welcome

Cracked

This is just the start. I waited very anxiously to get this up and going. Now that it is, I seem to have a huge frog in my throat. Okay, here goes.

I'm not having the best time of it lately. I feel like I'm sort of on this crazy tilt-a-world carnival ride. I'm absolutely terrified of the concept of hope. Sometimes hope just hurts.

I think about the movie "The Green Mile" with Tom Hanks and Michael Clarke Dunkin. There is a scene in it where Michael Clarke Dunkin's character is recalling his vision of these twin girls being killed by this horrible man. In the scene he was crying and telling Tom Hanks "he killed them with they love, he killed them with they love for each other." I feel like whenever I get a burst of hope, I must hide it because I feel like that is where I get killed. I have had people in my life that have killed anything that they have seen as positive. They have used the very things that are positive against me.

I'm just so scared to hope. I have tiny bursts of it occasionally, even in the last few days. I sit on it or take some meds to quell it. At the moment, that is the scariest thing. I have had so many pains. None have come close to what it is like to have your soul crushed. I just don't know how to recover.

Sometimes I wonder what I must look like from the view of a family dog or if someone was peering at me from the outside of my window.

Tonight I was looking online at some crisis services that I'm in desperate need of at the moment. I was to the point of being totally desperate. I really just wanted someone to help me that very instant. I was looking on google at the list of services and hotlines in the area. When I come across the one that seemed to fit the bill. I was desperately clicking this link. It was like this was oxygen that I had been deprived of. My browser was just spinning and spinning. I was shaking.
Finally I took 2 of my vistaril and the browser stopped spinning. A page popped up that said "page can not be displayed". The panic attack and cursing fit that ensued would surely have been a comedy to someone looking through a large window at me.

Oh well, I have to sort of look at the comical end of things at the moment. I guess it shows that I do have a small bit of something left in me somewhere.

huge hugs hon

It sounds like you are really struggling atm and I am so sorry that page could not be displayed - it sounds like you need it. Dont forget with accessing services that you can go to the hospital ER/A&E if you need to and you think you are at risk. Please keep talking and keep going - you will be OK with time help and support.

More hugs

Cracked

CrackedGirl,

Thank you for the concern. Cool new avi btw.

Today was the worst day for sure. I broke down and called my counselor, even though it is the Sabbath. I know I said at least 3 times that I was not doing well at all. The response that I kept getting to that statement was "you are going to be coming into the appointment tomorrow aren't you? I can't help you if you don't come in". I would simply answer back "i'm not doing well, I don't know if I can make it". Thus the circle would continue.

After the useless call to my counselor, I called samaratans local hotline number. The line just rang and rang forever with no answer. Then I called the toll free number with the same outcome.

I wanted to post in here while I'm waiting on the anxiety meds to kick in properly. I have decided that I'm going to call the hospital. It is totally something that I really don't want to do. I know that I could be sitting on some gurney in a hallway for days while waiting on a room. I'm just so scared. I just feel so alone. Today and all of the whatever you would call it just shows me that I am really so very alone in real life.

I will go get some help. I wanted to let you know. I wanted to thank you for being so supportive. I will try to keep you updated if I can.

Alis,

Do you want to journal what caused the panic attack ?

Perhaps we members can offer a workround, if not a cure.

Huge hugs Alis

I remember once calling Childline and there was no answer - it is an awful feeling and I really feel for you. I hope that you do manage to get some help. Please try to make it to the appt - I know it is really tough when you are feeling as you are but if you can I think it will really help.

Keep safe and keep talking

Hugs

Cracked

I don't know that I can properly label the reasons behind the panic attacks. I can be ready to go out the door and think "okay, this time I will be able to make it out the door". I get my hand on the door and I just feel as though my heart is going to explode.

I had talked to the suicide hotline last night. Actually all told I had made calls to several. I had called 2 hospitals to find out procedures in order to try to convince myself that I could go through with it. In the end I chickened out again.

I did talk to my counselor. My appt is in a few hours and the nice lady from the crisis line suggested that I call there again before leaving out for my appointment and they would be glad to talk to me on the way to the appointment in order for me to remain calm and not feel so alone. I know that my counselor may end up putting me in the hospital from there anyway, but at least I will not be going alone.

I do hope that someone is going to be able to help me. I have been reaching out to everyone that would listen for the last 24 hours or so. I just feel like they don't really hear me. It seems like they feel like if I can just get out of the apartment to the appointment then everything will be okay. I think they are not hearing that I am really in a bad place otherwise as well. I hope I can make them understand and believe me.

I think a big part of it is that I tend to be very quiet or monotone in speech. One day after I recounted a hard story from my past, my counselor asked me if I ever just get angry about things. I really don't understand how she could not see that I was quite angry and sad while I was telling that story. She said that she could not see it. She said that she always got this flat look from me no matter the emotion. The last time I attempted suicide, they had the audacity to be a bit shocked by it. My only response, the only one I could give was "I mentioned to you that I was feeling like I didn't want to go on". I think they want a performance from me. I'm just so tired. I have no performance in me.

Alis-Aquilae wrote:I
I think they are not hearing that I am really in a bad place otherwise as well. I hope I can make them understand and believe me.

I am willing to listen..... Indeed it is my favourite hobby............... Do you reckon you can make me understand?

But I should warn you that I am none of the stupidest people on earth!

Alis=Aquilae wrote: The last time I attempted suicide, they had the audacity to be a bit shocked by it. My only response, the only one I could give was "I mentioned to you that I was feeling like I didn't want to go on". I think they want a performance from me. I'm just so tired. I have no performance in me.

I am willing to argue that people say I can not go on regularly, and just thought you where one of that group. They did not comprehend your use of understatement. Which is not trying to excuse their lack of response.

I reckon they would have responded differently if you had, specifically, referred to death.

If you can't get out the door, please post here!

Stay safe!

Hi hon

I really hope you get offered the help you need and that it improves things for you. Let us know how it went for you.

Huge hugs

Cracked