Cynwyd's Journal

Cynwyd's Journal- replies are welcome...

6/21/11
Today was a difficult day because our youngest son (20) just left a week after 3 of our other kids were here. If anyone has read my posts, you know that I had an affair 2 years ago that blew apart our family. My husband knew he loved me and wanted to keep me, but the kids all pulled back because I lied for about two months afterwards and five months before the affair. So, I anticipated their visit with some anxiety, but we didn't talk about "it" and likely never will. I just cooked, did dishes, and tried to be gracious enough to just give them a good, comfortable place to come "home" to. Our youngest is the son I am closest to and I really miss him. Also, during their visit, we had to put down the last of our 3 Labs. Today I met a friend from out of town and was not even tempted to tell any lies, though she knew what I had gone through. I may have made a huge step in my progress by keeping no private places in my head from my husband. Without private places, it is impossible to lie. I am on day 11 of not lying after several false starts before. So, though I am conflicted about the events of the day, I am happy to report that my husband and I feel we have passed the worst part of our marriage and are working in the present with the grace of God.

-- Sat Jun 25, 2011 11:48 am --

6/24/11: How do the days slip by? Yesterday I went into town to do errands, but mostly to interview for a job. I was prepared and had a good, but only 10 minute interview because the woman was in the middle of computer problems. I think it went well and I was prepared with all my BPD issues and had them in check. Throughout the day, I ended up speaking with several people in shops or on Main Street. I was appropriate and cordial, but not overly involved. My husband went to dinner with a good friend of his, so I called his brother and talked to him for a while. I did not divulge private information, but was able to give an accurate and generalized account for how we were all doing in the family. I also talked to the landlord/friend I knew from Albuquerque and had a very connected and nice talk with him. Both he and husband's brother are in new and good relationships that I hope work out for them. During the day, I missed my husband and called a few times just to say I loved him and see what he was working on. I was so glad when he came home after his dinner. I worked on photos and had a pleasant evening. I have found that I have been talking more about people we know and how I see them and who they seem to be. I am becoming clearer now that I have BPD guidelines to work with to look more clearly at what I used to skim over in people. There is a HUGE drop off between the kind of intimate relationship I have with my husband and the rest of people, even including our kids. I am really valuing the relationship we are building, and we are both becoming much happier. As for the job, I have learned to not expect anything, so I am not bothered this time about whether I'll get it or not. I'll just wait until the end of next weeks when she will let me know.

I came home around 4:30 p.m. and was aware again that there were no dogs in the pasture running to meet me. I was very sad that all of our dogs are gone now. I also found some clothes that one of my sons left and was sad that my kids were gone. I seem to get anxious or agitated around this time every day. I am trying to find out why. I stayed somewhat sad all evening, but talked it all over with DH. It is so good to be open and honest with nothing to hide or lie about. This offsets some of the sadness today.

-- Mon Jun 27, 2011 12:11 pm --

6/27/11
Yesterday was a mixture of feelings for me. Since my affair two years ago, I had cut off from the people who didn't stop me or who encouraged me. That included my siblings. In the last month I have contacted my sister and one brother. This brother is in rehab for drugs and divorcing his second wife. My sister is married and in a CoD group. My last (youngest) brother I contacted yesterday. He was the one I was closest to and talked to the most. That is also where I went when I had the affair and was a total mess at my brother's house. My husband was especially angry that my brother did not let DH know what was about to hit him and potentially save disaster. I felt that, after two years, it was time to at least just say hello. It was awkward and uncomfortable, but also just a breakthrough of family silence. (Though, in my case, that is a GOOD thing!). Anyway, that left me feeling dirty and remembering the horrible time when the man I was seeing told me (but he's a liar) that his wife found out and that he could no longer see me. All this happened at my brother's house and I was so confused and upset. So, the call made me feel anxious and remorseful about looking back at such an ugly time when my DH and I have gotten past most of "the past" and are working on the present.

Luckily, I also had time to do some art work and try something new. It was fairly successful, so I will try more today. I also will find out about whether I will have a job by the end of the week, which I have mixed feelings about because it may just be 2-3 days per week at a fairly low salary. It would also mean leaving my husband who is home for the summer. As a BPD, I do not to well with ambiguity, so I was quite agitated by the end of the day. Two things came out of this day, however: first, I did not lie or do anything inappropriate when speaking with my brother. Second, by evening, I remembered that I had not gone to God with my problems. I offered them up in prayer and instantly felt better. If I feel I am in God's hands and make the effort to follow His word, not only am I less likely to do anything borderline or lying, but am able to turn over my fears and ambiguities to Him. That seems to really help me calm down. I read one place that to pray for 10 minutes a day is the least we can commit to for our recovery. If we don't have 10 minutes to pray, then what are we committing ourselves to? The prayer given was, "Oh, Lord, have mercy on me." I've also been told to pray with only gratitude, but I must admit that I pray for the lord's strength, for my husband and children to be watched over as well. Some days I have such a mixture of feelings and reactions that it wears me out. I talked this all out with my DH and asked for comfort and reassurance, which he gave.

One of the most valuable things I've learned about getting out of BPD is to keep no secretive places within myself. This has been the key to my freedom. I can tell my husband what I want or need, what is upsetting me, and how I feel. He freely gives me what I need and I freely let him know how much he means to me and how caring he is. Once I "remembered" God in the evening, my anxiety let right up, but I did want some good hugging and closeness. These kinds of days unnerve me and used to cause me some trouble on occasion. Now, I just am forthright and tell everything and anything, which cuts out feeling like I am hiding or doing something "bad." I was not a religious person until I began to really relate to prayer after recognizing that so much of our healing was beyond our control and that it must have been the grace of God. So, thank you, heavenly Father and earthly husband.

I am still sad to have no dog in our pasture and no kids visiting. Three of them, plus son-in-law are getting together for a week and didn't invite us. Sometimes I feel excluded, but also know that they have a better time just being together by themselves. I also talked to my daughter and told her I love her. She never responds, which hurts.

I am up to day 17 without lying or doing anything inappropriate. This is my record so far, but I really think (I hate to jinx this) that I really won't go back to hiding things or keeping them to myself. It is so good to be entirely open with my husband and even works to both our advantage. So, why would I want to lose that??? Thank you DH.

Cynwyd,

I just found your blog and I was wondering did you stop posting and also to see how things are going.

J.R.

July 13, 2011

Hi again from an unhappy me,

These last 3 weeks have shown me that “nice” people are a danger to my emotional health. Why? Hear me out. When I lived in borderland and was “crazy” for about 2-3 years with my BPD agenda which led to an affair, I made many “nice” friends. They were people much like me. I'll exlpain this in a bit.

Three weeks ago, after having been laid off my job, one of the females I knew from another shop and I had become friendly. She left her job and became manager of another store, saying that she wanted to hire me to work with her because I was so good at what I do and she could trust me. She became the new manager because the owner of the shop sold it to her daughter who only comes to our town every other week from out of state, while her husband lives here. My friend told the new owner she wanted me to work with her, along with anohter woman who is a single mother with two sons. They lost everything they had in a flood. Storyline: I gave dishes, table ware, pots and pans, clothing, etc. to this mother (who I didn't know personally) through this friend. I was surprised to never get a thank you or any kind of response either from the mother or my friend. That's not why I gave her the things, but I would have thanked someone who gave me things like that. Part 2: I had the interview with the new owner who said she'd get back to me within the week. No word. My friend had also said she'd let me know as soon as she heard something. No word. Well, maybe the new owner meant in TWO weeks when she came back to town. So, I waited another week. No word. Then, I waited another week. Finally I called my friend to ask what was up. She said they still hadn't decided what the plan was. I was very surprised that my “friend” never called to tell me they were still “in the process.”

Next scene: I go to my ob/gyn for my last visit since he is retiring. I brought my husband to finally meet him. He was there when I had my affair, heard me cry about it, tested me for STDs, etc. I thought he was caring and a good doctor. At this visit, he didn't introduce himself to my husband (who he knew I had reconciled with and have been doing better than ever), forgot to do my PAP smear, forgot to give the the prescription he said he'd write out, and was impersonal enough that he didn't even look at my chart or say good-bye to me as an old patient. My husband was shocked at what a terrible doctor he was after I had been telling him that this doctor was the only good one I had. On the other hand, we had to put down a dog last month and our last cat seemed like she was nearing the end. Our veterinarian is a really good guy and a pleasure to deal with, even after losing three dogs and a cat in a two year span. My ob/gyn was the opposite of our vet. Why didn't I see this?

Both the doctor and my “friend” were people I knew from when I was crazy and living in boredrland for a few years before and after my affair. So, I began to think. Why was I so wrong about Mr. Affair, and all these other people (including the “friends” who encouraged me to have the affair and be happy)? I realized it was because I thought they were all “nice” and treated me like I was special. This is something I looked for from the time I was an infant: someone who thougth I was special for who I was. Well, I think that by seeking out this kind of person, I was finding only other people who were just like me: broken on the inside and putting on a “nice” front to the public. I was conned again and again by these “nice” people. I was devastated after the appointment about how I was unable to discern who people were. I have not met many new people in the two years I've been trying to figure out who I am, so I really don't have a “sample” of new friends. Many of the people who I confided in at church told the whole town about me and encouraged me as well. So, needless to say, I am very leery of “nice” people who are just putting on a front, unlike our vet who is the real thing. I am afraid to interact with people now, because I know I can't tell if they are for real or not. I can still be conned. I made a list of all the people I have misread over the past few years and they all have the same quality that I mistook for them thinking I was “special.” This is my BPD kicking up and turning my behind into mush. So, I am now afraid of talking with people, unsure of my assessments of who they really are, don't know who to trust, and so am almost afraid to leave the house in case I have to interact with “nice” people. My husband is concerned that if he dies first, I could be conned out of whatever money I'd have to live on or go to a doctor who doesn't know what's going on with my health. I wrote out a list of all the people who weren't who I thought they were over the years, and those who were consistent with who I thought they were. The latter list was short and the former list very long. So, in a nutshell, not only do I feel like a miserable failure, especially since my doctor's visit yesterday, but I am afraid to trust myself in this area. I hope I can learn to read people better and just know who they are, rather than think they are “nice.” My life depends on it as does my own sense of well-being. I hope you understand what I am saying here: my own BPD illness led me to interpret others in a BPD paradign, and I must change this to get better. Do any of you have the same problem? If so, what have you done? Misreading people has been a big disaster in general for me.

Cynwyd

Thanks, J.R. for asking about me. I have been going through some rough times, but am coming out. I am posting what I wrote during the last week so you will know what I am going though and how I am trying to figure it out and find a way to stop myself. I hope you can relate to what I found out and that it is useful to you as well. Take care.
Cynwyd

July 15, 2011
I am 63 but just discovered this year that I have BPD. I knew I always felt “bad” about myself, felt unworthy of love, and felt worthless with no identity, but I didn't know why or what was going on. After realizing that my underlying fear/terror was fear of abandonment, things began to fall into place. I was in therapy for about 25 years, but no one diagnosed me or helped me, but rather made me worse. So, I read everything I could about BPD and wrote up my own version of how it played out in my life. I had an affair over 2 years ago that destroyed my family. My husband still loved me and was willing to work with me to find out what was wrong, help me, and keep loving me while making me feel safe to unravel my problems. I certainly had my BPD well hidden. None of my therapists had a clue. Neither did we! Since Learning that fear of abandonment was my largest demon, that led me to BPD. There I found myself well defined. The amorphous emotions of feeling bad, worthless, unlovable, empty, no identity, no self-esteem, impulsiveness, and just not being able to read people got me into trouble as my grown kids began to leave home. I had the affair around this time with a man I had known long before I met my husband.

Here's a sketch of what I have been doing to “fix” myself when I feel I am reverting to my old behaviors. I have written out all of my problem areas, looked for the trigger points that set them off, have put in place a replacement behavior (even if it's taking some deep breaths, closing my mouth and not talking, or revealing my impulses or whatever to my husband. I realized that I was lying to cover over the affair and all the phone calls and emails that made me get home late from work. After about 6 months of dealing with all the lies, coming clean on everything and answering all my husband's questions, I realized that my lying was only the symptom to cover over a sense of PRIVACY, where I could hide things that I didn't want anyone to know about. This caused me to have even lower self-esteem and put distance between an open relationship with my husband and grown kids. I decided the day I figured this out that the truth was far better than keepying lies and secrets. This was the real beginning of my recovery, since I kept none of myself hidden from my husband. (My kids didn't want to hear anything about me or my recovery, so we no longer have personal relationships where they talk to me about their lives. At least they talk to me now.)

Some of my issues were impulsiveity, black and white thinking, lying, misreading people, projection of my anger, lack of identity, emptiness, mood changes and depression, stress, wothless, unlovable, FEAR OF ABANDONMENT, wanting to be dead, etc. I realized that this originated when I was an infant and my parents cound't connect because of their own disconnected backgrounds and abusive behaviors. I worked the 12 steps as a way to work though this, even though I am not an alcoholic, and began my recovery. What I learned about my BPD is that each behavior has trigger points. I have worked to isolate the trigger points and replace them with something else like deep breathing, prayer, a short exerxice, an alternative behavior, etc. I then wrote up my BPD as though it were a physical illness called Border Mal Seizure and listed all my symptoms. Why did I do this? Because I think if I approach this as a physical illness, I won't get so down on myself even though I am making much smaller mistakes in my behavior than before as I get control over this. I then wrote out a “treatment” plan that involved asking my husband to keep me safe during my “seizure” by wrapping his arms around me tightly, which is also what he does when he hugs me with a sense of safety and closeness. I thought if I could break up my behaviors into a list that we might both be able to stop my behavior in its tracks by doing something that includes attachmment, safety, and love. Hopefully, this will help me bypass some of my self-loathing and treat it as an illness with a treatment. In fact, I will paste my list here in case you can use any of it for yourself.

Diagnosis: Border Mal Seizures

Symptoms:
Change in voice
Anger
Confusion
Argumentitive
Throw objects
Leave the room
Sarcasm
Facial expressions
Projection
Moodiness

Treatment:
Safety first: put arms around patient and squeeze tightly and with a sense of safety.
Discourse: pronounce, one safely in arms, that patient is inhabiting borderland and is not in a safe place to be. Tell patient it is time to leave borderland and come back to reality. If this fails, take patient to sofa or bed and hold until the symptoms subside.
Touch: Petting and stroking take the sting out of the underlying thoughts that cause symptoms and allow the opportunity for discussion in a normal tone.
Underlying thoughts: Humiliation, failure, emptiness, fear, lonliness, crazyness, confusion, grey zone between black and white, impulsiveness, neediness, lost, can't find way back.

Aftermath: Guilt, sorrow, grief, self anger, frustration, loss, failure, lack of control, fear of permanent loss.

Note: These symptoms, process, and aftermath are primarily directed at self but present as projections. Feeling out of control and lost instigate a sense of extreme fear, loss, and anxiety that are self-directed but projected onto others as a sense of preserving what is left of self. Please not that extreme shame and sorrow follow these border mal seizures which may, if untreated, last for an hour to two days. Treatment can be very effective, with few negative side effects for the patient. It is the caregiver who experiences the side effects, which also last up to two days or more, depending on the the severity of the seizure. Do not leave patient unattended and do NOT engage with seizure behaviors, however much one wants to offer “help.” The only help is to stop the seizure in a manner that keeps the patient safe from self harm or harm to others.

I know this is long, but I hope you can find something out of this that may help you in your road to recovery. I have found that it is perhaps most difficult for me to control my impulsivity (especially when I want to talk to my kids or explain what to watch out for, because I know I passed some of this onto them and they don't even know they have it). The step that has allowed me to recover the most was giving up my privacy so my husband and I could be totally open and close, even if I told him I lied or felt anxious and so on. We have rebuilt our relationship (so far) so that it is better, more intimate, and just closer than ever. I still get so upset with myself when I fall into a BPD behavior and I have to work on that. '

I also realized that too many things were working out in a way that neither of us could have planned for, and this brought prayer and grace into the picture. I was never sure of my relationship with the Lord, but now I feel we have been handed so much grace that I can't ignore it. Prayer, gratitude, asking for mercy and strength and to soften my childrens' hearts are part of what I do when I get close to BPD thinking. I also do it every day.

I hope you will find what you are looking for in this forum. I know I sometimes think other people do not give enough details to really know what they are going through, but it helps me to write out what I am going through and how I am learning to deal with it. By sharing, I reinforce my own plans for recovery. In fact, I just a few days ago I had a bout that last two days because I had misread two different people I knew from my borderland times, who leaked into the present. I get down on myself, project my anger, and start a whirlwind of painful agony for both my husband and me. This is when I made up my “diagnosis” list.

Take care and know that you can improve, even if little by little, but it does help to build a foundation and begin to form an identity based on reality, which was something I could easily drop in the past. If you are committed to getting better, chances are good that you will if you make it a priority in your life. I know I want my relationship with my husband to grow more intimate and fulfilling each day and I would love to get my kids back someday. I am also tired of hating myself, being afraid and angry, and out of control with my impulses and moods.

Cynwyd

-- Sat Jul 16, 2011 3:29 pm --

July 16, 2011
Since I came up with my Border Mal Seizure scheme, I am going to try to think of my BPD as a physical illness that needs treatment, just as one would take an allergy pill when sneezing and rubbing sandy eyes. I am hoping that this will eliminate (yeah?) the need to sink into the hole of self-hatred, disappointment in myself, and despair when I screw up. The good news is that my screw ups are within the circle of our marriage rather than outside. That makes a HUGE difference. After I wrote about my seizure diagnosis, I found something online that said that "holding" the person safely (not necessarily "hugging") is what some therapists do to help their patients with attachment disorders to settle down and keep from hurting themselves. I was using the "hurting" more as a metaphor for wanting to be held, contained, and loved. I do think that we need to begin all over as infants and somehow, SOMEHOW, find a better way to grow ourselves up to healthy adults. I know I am stuck in place where I need attachment that is real and good. I am seriously trying to stop my acting out to get attention when it is attachment I am needing or feeling a lack of. Bowlby and Ainsworth studied orphans after WWII in England and their attachment disorders. Good reading if you look up their studies. The responsiveness of the caregiver is critical, and children were removed from poor caregivers. This goes for my therapists as well, who should have had their licenses taken away for taking all my money and making things worse, WITHOUT EVEN A DIAGNOSIS that I perhaps could have dealt with. Now, my husband and I are going it alone, along with research from the Internet. I am getting better, but find I get worse before I get better. I guess I learn from my mistakes, and they are so painful to me now that I never want to repeat the same behavior. I also want to stop blaming myself and hating myself for being "insufficient" as a wife, mother, and adult.

I have started some artwork, sewing projects, reading, exercising, and other things that bring me pleasure. This helps. I am quite fearful about being around people because I make such a mess of knowing who they truly are rather than how they present themselves. I should know, because I was an expert "presenter." I learned early on how to look normal, seem normal, and even act normal, but I was not. I was empty, lost in the universe untethered, and a nobody. How I went 60 years like this is beyond me. I know now that my time is limited regarding getting myself "fixed," so I am working extremely hard on myself and what I am doing. I am actually pleased that I am able to come up with concepts like "nice" people, the "border mal seizure" plan, etc. I still use my tool kit of words that I have taped to my computer (privacy, trust, protect, gain, look good, eye contact, and CHOICE). I have been able to stop my impulses.

Since our kids are what keep us tied to the past and such horrible loss, my husband and I have decided that for the last three weeks of July we would not contact our kids in any way, but see if they contact us. As of now, one son called my husband for advice, and another son emailed me about an apartment he is looking at online where he will be doing his PhD work. I was able to put him in touch with someone I had made a "good" connection with when this person sold my father's home after he died. He will look around and even check out apartments my son finds online. I was very relieved and pleased to allow this to happen. This is the son I am the closest to as well. I had my husband's consent to contact my son about this particular issue, since it is timely.

I am happier now that I am doing things that I enjoy. I have stopped looking for jobs temporarily (or I should say applying for jobs that are not suitable) because of my people issue. There is a part time job that may potentially open up, but it has dragged on long enough that I don't trust that it is really an option. We are hoping we can live without the income from me having a part time job. We are trying to stay in the present (which is GOOD now) rather than worrying so much about our gown kids and the future. It is humbling to pray and see the grace that has come our way in our healing process. So, this is where I am today. Oh, one of the things I am working on is a wall quilt advent calendar for my daughter and her husband. She is the one I have had the most problems with for years and I tend to buy her off with gifts or small shopping sprees when she visits. At this point, it is her mother-in-law who is her "mother" and she just puts up with me and will give nothing personal about her life. I know that making this for them could be a treasure when they begin their family and could be used year after year. But, why I am doing this for her could still be part of trying to "buy" her back, which is not likely at all. I even thought of keeping it in case our kids have their own children and actually come to visit us at Christmas time. Nah. I gave up on that one. Guess that's it for now.
Cynwyd

Hi Cynwyd,

Hope things are better since your last post. You have a lot on your shoulder and what my Mom use to preach to me is, he's (God) not going to put nothing on your shoulders you can't handle. I see you shying away from a lot of things. Your Brother for one. I really don't think you should distance yourself from him, we all do some crazy things, but in this case your Brother was being a Brother. Yea maybe he should have talked to you about what you were doing. The only thing Cynwyd, he didn't do anything you did. One thing I might suggest is don't be afraid to be around different types of people, you will end up running from everything. I feel you should build trust within yourself as well as your marriage. The only person that can destroy you or your marriage is you. You have to build a stronger foundation, and its not something you can build over night, it takes time. My therapist would say, Rome wasn't build over night, neither are our problems. Things will work out, you don't have to fear going around people who have ill intentions. Just trust in yourself. We all make mistakes, I wouldn't be typing you if I hadn't made many mistakes in my life time. Just keep the lines of communication open with your Spouse as your doing. I found out that, that goes along way. I'm still working my issues but as each day passes seems to be getting alot easier, and I think a lot of that has to do with determination. Thanks for sharing with me!

J.R.