0_Unknown_0's Journal (replies welcome)

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Hello, all. Entry Number 1

Soooooo this marks the first entry of the journal I just started. Whoopie.

I'll post a few of my thoughts every now and then if I feel like ranting. Or if I'm going through some stuff I feel like mentioning.

I have symptoms of an undiagnosed variety of OCD called Pure-O and the theme of obsession relates to STDs at the moment.(Due to certain circumstances) and along with that some anxiety, depression, and overall just discord all around.

If you want to know more about me, find my posts on here through my profile. Long stories I don't feel like looking through too often at this point.

If anyone's got any medical knowledge, feel free to message me links and such. Aside from OCD, it's nice for me to know what the heck to worry about and what not to.

It's late where I am, but my journey starts here I guess. Wish me luck, and for those that are interested enough to stay long enough, let's see how it goes.

I'm off to bed now, peace people of Psychforums.

On Loneliness and Irrational Anxiety/Why I can't get help. Entry 2

Where do I begin. For one thing, out of the entire span of my existence, I was lonely. I had trouble making friends at one point, and keeping them. Once that was done with, I had issues keeping them. And I see now, that it all had to do with the things I went through as a kid with others.

One ''Friend'' I had ages ago, did things to my house and so on while he was visiting. He abused the guinea pig I had at the time, messed up all of my toys, and treated me like crap. Not much right? well, as a kid things like this marked the end of the world for me. And with time, repeated things like this lead me into being angry, withdrawn, depressive, and anxious.

It's all due to my past, which wasn't that awful at all in some regards, that made me feel like crap. And it's got to the point where I don't care about people anymore at all. What a shame.

And, with that, OCD's almost always been in the picture. It started off with simple things like checking and so on. But moved into Pure-O varieties, which left a gaping mark on me sometimes. The themes I've been through included HOCD, POCD, and various disease-based OCDs. Just to name a few.

The reason as to why help is out of reach is a combination of things. There's the lack of affordability right now, and the stigma that my parents think it's pointless and that I'm exaggerating. I can't do anything, and that sucks. I don't want to live out like 10 years with this theme stuck in my head. I really don't.

And as I've stated before, my theme is the fear of STDs in general. It used to center around me having them, but now it's moved into me infecting others.

So more accurately, I still fear I have them, but there in the background. And, my fears of infecting others focuses on the PAST. Meaning that I'm afraid that every action I took in the past lead to some poor fool's life being ruined by surprise. And them spreading it further and further and ughhh.

It's bad enough that I'm now extra cautious of people and anything that's dirty or could lead to bodily fluid contact. I hate the concept of romance because of this since it's now especially filthy to me, and I think everyone but me most times is infected and they don't realize it. What the hell?

It's due to this that anxiety and depression creep in, and I realized OCD was and is driving it all.

Top that off with hatred for my past self for being such an unhygienic idiot, and yeah. It's a cesspool of self-loathing and isolation.

I would hope that I can somehow convince my mom to help me about, but that remains to be seen.

Perhaps I could distract myself from it, but I don't know. Heck, no one on here even has this exact worry. Literally no one. Some may have had it, but clearly it's over and done with now for them.

But through all of this anxiety, guilt, and hopelessness, I realized something. I used to be obsessed with what happens after you die, and now, I truly see. I wasn't afraid of death, I was afraid of not having lived to the best of my ability.

Funny how one obsession leads into the answers to a past one.

Any advice? If anyone gets this at all.

Otherwise, thanks for reading my jabble. Hope it wasn't too irritating. XD

This can be locked, thanks. I've thought of a better way to ease some feelings and I don't need this anymore.