My mind is all over the place this year. For the past few months - on and off - I have worried about being a child abuser. Here's how it is at the moment:
My cousin's-cousin had a child last year. The child isn't particularly pleasant to look at, and I seem to feel anger at the child. Before the child was born we used to do stuff all the time, and now we don't. I don't want to be angry at the child though. Every time I look at a picture I get this feeling, or urge that I want to hurt the child. Then I start to worry about being a child abuser, being scum, etc. I start to ruminate, but I never come to a valid conclusion. I'm too scared too if I'm honest. To scared of finding something there. It's heightened by the fact that when I was in my early teens I used to squeeze my little cousins to release my anger, almost as if I enjoyed inflicting pain. But I'm sure this isn't me. I have violence, etc. Am I a potential child abuser? Cause I'm bloody worried!
Not just a child abuser, but animal abuser as well. I used to hit my cousins dog at time, and felt no remorse. On reflection I feel bad, but bad that I might be evil, ###$ up! I love my cat, but sometimes I get this urge or impulse to squeeze him. I hate seeing animals and children on pain on TV, or is that just a front? At least, I don't think it is. But I cannot be sure of anything anymore...
Another thing as this isn't as constant as previous obsessions. When I thought I was a pedophile I couldn't get it out of my mind, but this comes and goes every few days...
Sorry for the rant...