My HOCD :/

Hi! First of all I want to apologize for my English and if I write too much I needed to vent.

Well, a little about my story: I’m 18 years old, and I loved women all my life, for real since I was a kid I remember to like some girl in my school and find attractive girls in the movies, television, etc.

I suffered sexual abuse when I was a kid (nothing so sexual, was more like a “touching” thing), well it was a trauma and sometimes I get really sad when I remember it, but I learned to forgive and when this memories appears I was just like “well, it happened, whatever, life goes on” and soon the thought disappear. I grow up a little shy but that never stopped me from making friends, the real problem was with girls (who never had this), and when me and my friends started to get girls I started to learn how to deal with them, I became sort of a “hero” to my friends because I used to stay with a lot of girls, even being shy and nerd I learned to talk with them and stuff, I never ever doubt about my sexuality, I started to watch porn by the 11/12 years old, and I love it, I really liked girls (I have even prayed to get one once hahahaha), when I was ending the high school my life was awesome - enviable, according to my friends – I was going to a great college, I was staying with a lot of girls (but still virgin), I was going to a lot of parties, etc…

Well, at the beginning of this year I have stopped a little my social life, I was taking a break for get ready to the college and I just stayed home, and one day I started to remember that trauma, and I don’t know why the thought appeared in my mind “maybe I’m gay”, and I was like “what the heck I just thought?”, and I get really anxious, so I started watching porn for “checking” – only lesbian porn, I never liked too much straight porn because I didn’t like to see a penis – them I get addicted to porn, I couldn’t stop to watch, I used to masturbate two or three times in the day, and I get really anxious. I never had a problem to admit that exist pretty men in the world, like actors and famous people, I was ok with that, but them when I see a handsome man in the television I started to get crazy, really anxious and I started to have the groinal responses (no erection, just false feelings), then I started to read a lot of “coming out” stories - “omg I’m gay! Omg” – and I read about a guy that said “when I talked to my friends I feel like I want to kiss them” OH GOD WHY???

After that I couldn’t look to my friends in the eyes that I started to get anxious and the thoughts started to came to my head and I fight against them but they just get stronger. I always was safe of my sexuality so I've always been adept at that “bromance” stuff, and everything was ok, but after the HOCD the hugs in the friends was over, I couldn't even shake their hands that I started to get anxious I can’t be alone with any friend that I go crazy. There’s this guy on my bus to the college who is gay, and when he passed by me I get really anxious and start to think every kind of stuff.

I used to make friends very easy but now in the college I can’t talk with anyone of the same sex that I started to get anxious, I never was homophobic and stuff (I used to like lesbians, remember?), but after that I started to be very away from gay people, I have one friend who is gay and I asked him a few things and he said that he was gay since the childhood, and I started to look to my past to see if I find anything that could prove that I was gay, then started de “false memories”, I used to swim when I have 15 years old, and my brain was telling me “hey you used to check the guys bodies” and I didn’t, I’m sure that I don’t. And then my brain started to tell me that I found everyone attractive, when I watched a movie (that I already watched before the HOCD who didn’t cause me anything) my brain started “hey this guy is hot” – a guy that I never thought it was attractive – and ALL the men I see my brain tells “hey you think this guy is hot isn’t?” seriously, every kind of man, the guy could be the ugliest in the world and my brain tells me that I think he is hot.

I researched a lot about HOCD, and I decided to stop with porn and use the “meh, whatever” theory that I learned from a guy who have success over HOCD. Is like when you think in something gay you just accept it and it goes away, but sometimes I feel that I am accepting to be gay and I get anxious again. The thoughts have decreased a lot but I still not 100%, I stopped porn, and I’m stopping to isolate myself when some same-sex people arrive in my house, and I’m going back to out with my friends.

But I confess that I have fear, fear to “wake up” really gay or get drunk somewhere and have sex with a man, I still can’t talk a lot with a man, but things are going back to the normal, I want my life back, I don’t even know why the hell I have this I love women, but recently I stopped to look at them, my libido was over (I don’t go out with a girl since de HOCD started – 2 months), I want to watch and play soccer again, to go for a pool and being ok with my friends taking off their shirts, I want to listen songs again without the fear to associating this with some guy, to stop having false memories, false urges, false feelings. I’m sorry for the big text, I hope someone read it, and I will be really glad to receive some advices of who also suffer of HOCD, or get succeed over HOCD. Thanks for your time reading me, I needed to vent.

God bless you all.

I relate to this a lot, except I'm a girl.

The thoughts are really harrowing at times, my HOCD has spiked bad again and now I can't tell if I'm in denial or it's just my mind going crazy.
I think stopping masturbation and porn is a great idea. Unfortunately, that is exactly what made mine spike again in doing so.
I can easily tell you this; you're going to have days where it feels so real and you're like ready to come out. You have other days where you wonder why you even speculated such a thing.
It fluctuates. It comes and goes. The road to complete recovery is rocky onw & you'll get through it.
Hey, at least you have some expierence to off of with the other sex (excluding the sexual abuse; I'm really sorry about that). I haven't even kissed a guy so I have nothing to compare it to, so I'm afraid my HOCD is going to get in the way when the time comes.

Anyways. Try to stop checking, stop watching porn. It makes a world of difference.

Dear dazzed:

You wrote: " the thought appeared in my mind “maybe I’m gay”, and I was like “what the heck I just thought?”

You had a thought. You felt alarmed by the thought and then you started thinking about the thought. This is what OCD is about. We have many, many thousands of thoughts in a day. Most of them we forget (there are so many!) but once in a while there is a thought that makes us stop in our tracks: "What the hell did I just think?"

But the thing is we think so many thoughts, many are ridiculous but they don't matter. This thought you had is one of those, only it scared you, so you started thinking about it and thinking more about the new thoughts, checking and so forth.

It would be nice if there was a way to reverse all this, going backward to the original thought and let it move out of our attention like all the other thousands and thousands of thoughts.

atina

Hi kk167, thanks for the support, I can imagine what you are going through. Sometimes i can't belive is HOCD, you're right, seems so freacking real.

About the same-sex experience if you already have one in the childhood it's ok, that's not the conclusive proof that you're gay, maybe you was just curious (people can spike reading this), i know people that have a lot of same-sex experiences when kids and are fully straight.

Stopping porn and masturbation was great for me, but as i said my libido has gone i didn't check the girls with the same frequency, was very awful, today i was in one of my first parties after HOCD strikes, and it was very cool, i make out with some girls and spend a great time with my friends it was awesome. In the party someone talk about a guy that "turned" gay, and i spiked a little, but this thing of "meh, whatever" is going very well with me, i just don't care anymore with the thoughts, but sometimes (as i said in the text, i feel like i'm accepting being gay), the thing that is annoying me are the "false memories" like i was thinking about this girl that i date and i imagine a penis into her legs (like a shemale), damn i can't enjoy my own memories, when i look to the past looks like everything i've done is gay, is terrible.

The crises of anxiety decreased a lot after i started to write about everything it was in my head, was great to share with you guys this, i recommend you the same, feel free to write to me, or here in this post, i will love to help you. Maybe sharing our problems and analysing them is the solution,
Stay strong!

Thanks for the support atina, i'll try stop checking :]

Dear Dazzed:

You are welcome and I do hope you stop checking: it can be a full time job to check, isn't it? Taking so much time and you don't get paid for it. Just one way to think about it. Better do something more productive...

atina