TOCD so bad... Can someone please help?

Well, we have to use logic and think that we are not what we fear. Gay people aren't scared of being gay. And apparently Trans people aren't scared of being Trans. I made sure to stay off TG forums Because they don't know enough about OCD to understand what it does, which will make them think I'm in denial.

You are never what you fear. Why you want is what matters and if you were gay you would know and you wouldn't be scared of it. Just the way I'm probably not Trans. When I can switch my obsessions off, especially when I'm super tired and my cognition is down, I don't think about it much and think whatever, I know this is irrational and stupid bs. But it feels so so real. I hope we overcome this jdd

I can't really switch it off. And when I'm sleepy that's when I get caught off guard with images usually which makes me believe its real so it could be.

I know. How often do you perform compulsions? And what kind of compulsions to calm you down?

Frequently. Some don't even really calm me that much anymore because of the responses that seem to appear otherwise. Mental compulsions, checking online, posting online, checking arousal of whole body. Avoiding TV, movies, etc.

Yes same. But apparently we just have to stop the compulsions. Which is the hardest part.

Otter, thanks for the penalty kick? It's contradictory, i know. As in, I can't be Trans if I have Trans OCD. Now that should calm me down, but instead, it's more like "am I really scared of being Trans or a man? What if I'm not actually scared of it and want to be a man and I just won't let myself and I'm in denial so I don't disappoint people? What if I can't be a woman anymore and have accepted that and I've always known I'm Trans?"

-- Sat Dec 05, 2015 1:40 am --

Why do I feel like I don't want to be a woman anymore? I feel like ive given up the possibility of just finding out I'm a woman just like I used to b, but it seems impossible and that this won't happen to me, and that I could only ever be happy as a man again. And that i only have anxiety because I'm too shy to transition. I'm scared when OCD passes I will want to be a man..
Sometimes I even wonder what I'm scared of? Whether I'm really scared of being Trans? Maybe I'm not. And I'm scared of not being able to be a man? -.-

A fact that always comforted me when I had really bad HOCD was that gay people have had straight OCD... they have an extreme fear that they're straight. The point is that if you begin having intrusive thoughts that are against your self-identity and your true desires and intentions then of course extreme anxiety would arise. I remember I came across a transgender forum (the topic was about whether gender identity can actually change, I looked this up when my TOCD got really bad fortunately I found out that no gender identity never changes) and there was a trans person fearing that they were a woman after years since birth being confident that they had the personality of a man. Their whole situation sounded a lot like OCD. Again, the point I'm making is that if you imagine yourself as something and it causes an enormous amount of distress then therefore it is not true. OCD is a battle between the mind and brain, and the brain no longer takes orders from the mind. OCD usually lasts for 6-12 months but the triggers remain with you for a lifetime but they can fade and go away as time goes. When I was a kid I had death OCD that my parents would die whenever they left home (even when going to pick up McDonalds) or that I would die in my sleep. Now these thoughts are completely gone. Hopefully one day my TOCD will be totally eradicated as well, and you all's too.

It's amazing how deep down inside we know thiw and yet can't deal with it because our emotions tell us otherwise. I know that it's impossible to be Trans and have Trans OCD, but that doesn't change the fact that I don't feel like a real woman and feel like it's Been that way all my life and I just didn't pay enough attention to myself and now I'm in denial.. When my grandma encourages me to just go ahead and do it if it makes me happy, I he not flashes and want to cry and scream "I don't want to!!!" But then I'm scared that I want it deep down inside. So no matter how much logic I use, there's always doubt and always something that tells me I'm in denial or I secretly want it... I'm scared I just want to remain a woman because it's easier... In fact, with all this evidence I have, I find it impossible to believe I'm a woman still...

Started early this year but turned 26 in middle of the year for me. HOCD allegedly anyway. I can remember being obsessed somewhat over if I was having heart attacks but I never find any heart problems at the Dr. Also, when grandma was dealing with her pancreatic cancer, I too thought I had cancer or some kind of pancreas issue like diabetes as well which turned out to be false for the time being when I went in for tests on that. But I'm also not 100% certain the hocd doubts started when I thought they did. They might have they might not have. Mine seems fairly bad but at the same time I never got to full blown agoraphobia or not eating. Though I did fall back into crappy eating habits and sleep has been like a rollercoaster for me.

The only obsession I can remember clearly from when I was younger was like a harm OCD in the form of my mother dying it being hurt. But that one didn't stick with me forever to where it bothers me since I can watch gore-y TV and movies and video games without being affected.

There's also a possibility that I just never explored it either. And just never knew I wanted it deep down. Seeing as I never dated through middle and high school. Though I thought I had crushes on some girls at least but they are not even visible to me in memory anymore.

Edit this was intended for the open discussion post but oh well.

Yeah, mental filtering. The OCD alters your memories and makes them feel unreal or something. I I realized I also have crushes on girls when I was 13. But really, I see myself with a guy. Do pure lesbians see themselves with a guy? Granted, I haven't been with a woman. But I know I want to be with a guy and have kids and all.. But I've only ever been in love with a guy once. And that happened at age 25. My mom tried to calm me down and said it was normal not to be in love all the time!

Yeah, but what if I did and just never realized it ya know? Seems possible now with this going on.

And I get groinals when you mention that stuff.