Need to confess, feeling guilt and an awful person

Hi,

I am 35 years old man. I have a looping history of OCD and have also been diagnosed with OCPD. I have had almost any kind of obsessions without overt/visible compulsions (pure-o). I had suffer from POCD, ROCD, HOCD and others but those being the worst since 2007 and that have really limited my life.

Two and a half years ago I broke up my relationship of 12 years because I could not cope with the love her/love her not obsessions and owing a of guilt. Last year, after the summer, and after a serious bout of HOCD that I am right now starting to control, I felt better and started to talk to other girls. I fell for a girl I had met many years ago and who really attracted me. At the moment I realized we had a date, HOCD and ROCD came back to me so I have had a bad time with here since then. We recently broke up because we have problems with commitment and fears we both have to work on. Ok, in the daily life there are two thing I cannot handle (I did not realize it in my past relationship because we did not have discussions). These are my main problems that I hope someone will be able to relate and share experiences with me on how to deal with this:

- discussions: I cannot bear them. I always feel bad, awful, like everything is going to crash, as I am the worst person. I feel nervous, I do not accept complaints at all and feel very ashamed and guilt for every discussion. Finally I always recognize I was wrong, even if I really consider I was not.

- need to confess: at the beginning of this new relationship I talk to some people about my fears and those included some typos everywhere things she had done in the past. Some of them personal things. At the moment of sharing these things I had my reasons to like for example ("hey, I know she did this and even so I want to be with her, I am confident to her, despite the fact those things are the kind of thins I though in the past I would not like in a partner). After some time, I suddenly realized that "what would she think of me if she new I shared this intimate things with other people?". Anxiety rocketed and I had to confess to her and put our relationship in her hands. I told her a couple or three of these things I had told and although she didn't like it, she said she forgave me... And that from that moment she didn't care of what I told and to whom I did. Our relationship is ow broken but As we are friends, I still get this rocketing anxiety about a couple of these things I did not told to her. She forgave, yes, but my mind still says "if she knew this specific case, she would hate you"... I cannot take this out of my mind and the feeling is like I will feel like this all my life which will make me miserable.

My psycho says I must resist this urge whatever it takes on me and that at some point it will have no weight. In fact, when she forgave I understand it is like starting again but my mind keeps on saying me the same "you are awful", "you need to start your life again.", "there is nothing to do with her any more because you are a fraud..."

I hope someone will relate to this and give me a little of support talking to me their experiences and if they overcame this awful guilt...

Thanks in advance,

Pepelillo

Hi, i think your psych is right in that the urge will hold no weight after a while. Maybe it would be helpful to recognize that the thoughts are there, but give them no power over you and how you act. They are just thoughts. Of course, this is easier said than done, but please know that it gets easier after a while.

Thanks a lot for the response . In your experience, how much time and what is the correct attitude during that time?. I am in my worst time after two days in a row thinking full time on this and I am going to see her in a few hours for different reasons. I feel a really bad person in spite I know I am one of the best I know...