*TW* OCD Fear of committing suicide. Please help!

Hey everyone. I'm looking for some peace of mind because I'm feeling a tad helpless right now. This is my first post, though I've browsed through these forums before. Here's my story. It's pretty long. I hope you'll take the time to read it and respond. Thank you in advance!

I'm a 25 year old female. My first instances of OCD occurred when I was 14/15 years old. I experienced a health scare, which kick started my OCD fears. However, at the time, I didn't realize it was OCD. (It wasn't until I was 21 that I figured out I had had it this whole time.) My fears as a teenager included: fear of killing my parents, fear of killing my family members, fear of killing people I knew, fear of becoming a serial killer, fear of becoming schizophrenic, fear of being evil, fear of becoming a cannibal (that's a weird one, isn't it?) and fear of being sexually turned on by morbid images (like dead bodies). I had all the typical fears that OCD sufferers get. Around that same time I started exercising and losing weight, as well as taking vitamins that my mother said would help me (she secretly knew I had OCD but didn't tell me in fear that I would develop new fears). And within a couple of years I was worry free, for the most part. I can recall between the ages of 17 and 20 feeling pretty normal. However, during times of stress, like a break up with a boyfriend or an unplanned pregnancy and miscarriage I started experiencing symptoms again...fear of killing my classmates (I was in college at the time) and fear of hurting my boyfriend. But those too passed. Around age 21 my parents divorced and my mother moved out. I am an only child and I live with my father. I started to get anxious again. This time, my fears were not focused on a particular act of harm or evil-doing. Instead, I was generally anxious. I would have moments of feeling fear for no reason and slight surreal feelings, like if I were in a dream (I would pinch myself just to make sure I were real). I had taken the morning after pill Plan B a few times, and after every time I would have moments of anxiety and fear. And around that time I sought out help. Not from a psychologist or psychiatrist. I went to my regular primary physician. I told him I was having moments of fear, and that I would fear that I would feel those moments again, thus creating an anxiety cycle. I also told him about taking the Plan B pills. He barely looked at me as I spoke and almost dismissed me. But he said: "That's OCD. Here's a prescription." And he gave me a prescription for Sertraline 50mg and Xanax 1mg. I took the Xanax very sparingly and was on Sertraline for about 5 months before I weaned myself off of it. It stopped the anxious cycle but also flattened out my personality. So between the ages of 21 and 24 I was doing fine again. I had moments of anxiety, but I was able to control it and accept it. I began exercising and losing weight again, and I was almost proud to wear the title of having OCD lol. And here's the important part...throughout all of these years, all of the fears, all of the bizarre thinking, all of the tears I cried, the medications I took, all of the trials and tribulations, I NEVER contemplated suicide or wanted to end my life. I never even had a fleeting though about it. It was never a thought or idea in my mind. EVER.
Fast forward to April 21, 2013, almost exactly 13 months ago. My best friend of 14 years, committed suicide. As far as I knew, she had no clinically diagnosed depression, no anxiety, no other disorder to cause such a fate. I knew she had been depressed over a break up with her boyfriend and about a year prior to her suicide she confided in me that she thought about it. We spoke briefly about her getting help but she dismissed it. And I had thought she was doing better. She seemed happy. She was drinking alcohol a bit more often and wanted to try drugs like cocaine, but, again, I didn't think much of that. She seemed fine in all other aspects. She was in school, working, always took good care of herself. She didn't display the typical symptoms of someone who would want to end their life. Since her death I have had extreme fear of committing suicide or harming myself. It is overwhelming. About a week after her death I almost had a panic attack on the subway train. I thought: "Would I ever jump into the tracks?" And I immediately panicked and got out of the train. I was hysterically crying. I wouldn't go near trains. And I sought out help. This time I went to a psychologist who works with people with OCD. I regularly saw him for about 5 or 6 months. And I didn't take any medications. I gradually began to feel better, even back to my old self. My fears had subsided greatly and only came back for a couple of days or so every 2 months. So it has been about 6 months now since I have seen the therapist, and the fear has come back super strong. It feels like it is stronger and more intense than before, but perhaps I'm just thinking that it is. But here's the "funny" part. I've been feeling so overwhelmed for only 6 days. But these 6 days have had me in a panic. Here's how it went....
Last Tuesday, the 14th, I was sitting on my couch, happily eating food and watching TV. Something I was doing must have triggered my brain and I began remembering a dream I had had the night before. (This happened to me once before in December) So I felt a little bit in a daze because the memory of the dream was coming back to me. I also felt some deja vu. These feelings gave me anxiety. I thought I was going crazy and losing touch with reality. I started googling my experience and thought I was experiencing seizures. I sent myself on a tailspin. I also started feeling out of sorts and foggy (like I may or may not be in a dream state). I was questioning my sanity. Which led to me question whether or not I would kill myself again. Dammit. And this feeling is horrible. I've spoken to all of my friends about it, I told my parents, my boss at work. I'm expressing my concerns with everyone. I want them to make sure that I don't hurt myself. Right at this moment my eyes are heavy from crying so much (I've been hysterically crying for the past 3 days) and I almost feel scared to write into words what I am feeling. I'm going to jot in down, like bullet points....
Fear that I'm going to become depressed and want to kill myself.
Fear that I'm already depressed and will want to kill myself.
Fear that my anxiety will become so overwhelming that I'll want to kill myself.
Fear that what I'm feeling is what my best friend was feeling before she killed herself.
Fear that I will challenge myself to try to kill myself.
Fear that I will try to face my fear of killing myself and accidentally kill myself in turn.
Fear that my thoughts about desperately wanting my anxiety to go away will in turn make suicide an option.
I tried to rationalize my fear in writing and I wrote "You're not going to do something you don't want to do. And if you do it, oh well, it's over. No more life. No more anxiety." This was my way of trying to relax the anxiety, but it only made it worse. It made me think: "Oh, so now killing yourself seems better than having anxiety? You want it to go away so bad, maybe you're eventually going to make suicide an option." WTF?? I'm driving myself crazy. I don't want to be alone in my house. I'm somewhat compelled to go to a hospital to make sure that I don't kill myself. It scares the heck out of me that suicide is such a possible thing. That we as humans are capable of that. That my best friend was capable of that. Did she feel like me? Did she have these anxieties? Am I a suicidal person? I don't want to die. I'm a very happy person. I love my life and my family and my friends. They mean the world to me. And I know I mean the world to them. I just want to be normal again, feel normal again. I set up an appointment with the therapist again for tomorrow night. But the second I feel kind of happy about that, my brain acts up and thinks: "But what if you kill yourself before then? What if I kill myself tonight and never have a chance to talk to the therapist?" OMG. Is this normal? Please tell me I'm not going to kill myself. Please tell me my natural instincts will step in if I ever attempt it. I know reassurance is so common with OCD sufferers and often times psychologists suggest that we don't get reassurance, rather figure it out ourselves. But please, I don't want to feel like this. I'm so sad about it. But I don't want to be. I don't want to be sad or depressed. I don't want to commit suicide. I just want to feel normal again. I just need some comforting words of advice to get me through the night and day. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this. I appreciate the help.

I have a few comments which I am going to break out in their sections.

- as far as a I know, there is no clinical evidence that OCD and suicide go hand in hand. if there were we would have seen a far greater amount of suicides that could be traced back to someone who suffered OCD alone.

- if you do not want to die, you will not commit suicide. OCD cannot force you to commit suicide if you do not want to commit suicide.

- unless I missed something you friend did not suffer OCD. Also, not everyone exhibits "typical" symptoms of someone who want to end their life.

- but YOU do suffer from OCD and anxiety that seems to sometimes cause panic attacks depersonalization.

- your history should tell you everything you need to know about this fear. you took meds and it went away (but you came off because it made you feel flat). you went to see a therapist and it got better. when you came off the meds and, later, stopped seeing the therapist it got worse again.

Maybe now is the time to finally take this on for the long term and treat it like it is a part of your life. There are other kinds of drugs you could try that might not leave you flat. Maybe get with a therapist again, and start working on things you can do for the long term (lifestyle changes, what to look for, what to avoid, how to make quick changes if things get out of control.

OCD is like a huge thunderstorm. You can look in any direction and it seems like there is no daylight. BUT! you remember there was a sunny day once. What does that tell you? IT WILL END. To continue the metaphor, get umbrella, find a dry place, and this will pass.

I am sorry you are frightened so. Tell yourself you are not going to do anything you don't want to - no matter what your thoughts tell. Then get some help.

Also - condolences about your friend, that must have been very hard.

Otter.

Thank you so much Otter! I went to my primary physician two days ago and he prescribed me Zoloft 50mg and Xanax 0.5mg again. Tonight will be my third dose. I also saw my therapist two nights ago. I want to seriously take care of this disorder before it consumes my life. Thank you again for your help and your kind words.

Well, please remember that you're not alone! I have been going through a phase of this for about 6 weeks now. My fears are that I'm going to "crack up" or harm my loved ones. Just these obsessive thoughts are enough to render me so anxiety ridden and immobile that I just have to lie in bed until they resolve. I have started on Zoloft and am seeing a therapist, and it helps tremendously! Here are some pieces of advice my therapist have me to help me cope:

1. She told me that just the anxiety alone that one feels when having these unwanted and obsessive thoughts is proof that you will not act on them.

2. When you are starting to have these thoughts, literally tell yourself "Stop!", and immediately do another activity to distract yourself.

3. Exercise at least 30 minutes every day. This is a tough one for me, since I'm lazy by nature, but I notice that when I do it, I feel tons better. It seems to be an energy outlet.

4. Drop/limit your caffeine intake. This made a huge difference. My therapist didn't tell me this one, I tried it on my own, and have felt better.

Hope these help! Remember, you're not going to act on these thoughts! You're not going to betray yourself and you're not going to do anything you don't want to do. Hang in there, and the sun will shine again!

First, condolances about your friend.

Regarding your question, YES, this is classic OCD. I've had the exact same fear for 18 months now (though I'm feeling quite a lot better now after meds and CBT). It seems to follow the same pattern in everyone with this particular OCD theme:

Those who suffer health anxiety seems more vulnerable to these thoughts. Which is not strange; OCD hits where it can hit hardest, for example; mothers get OCD thoughts about harming their child (which is the worst thing that could happen). Health anxiety is ultimately a fear of death, and at some point you might end up fearing that YOU are a danger to yourself.

The initial trigger is usually that someone who we would presume was "normal" or minimally depressed ends up killing him or herself. In my case, it was a local football player (who couldn't have been that depressed since he was playing football in the national league, right?). This is not strange. When a young athlete dies from sudden cardiac death, people visiting the ER with chest pain/palpitations is tripled. How could he die from cardiac arrest? I would assume his heart was healthy!

The list of fears (the "what if X happens and I end up killing myself") is exactly the same as mine. It often starts with a fear of depression, fear of getting so depressed that you will kill yourself, or fear of secretly being so depressed that you want to kill yourself, or fear of "really" being depressed, just not realizing it (btw, I'm sure you've read the HOCD posts; "am I really gay, just in denial?). After some time (or in my case, after some hundred depression tests online, depression tests from my primary physician AND my psychiatrist you more or less realize that you are not depressed. Then a new fear hits you; fear of anxiety (which in turn somehow would make you vulnerable to killing yourself) or fear of just "giving up" and kill yourself, or other variants of the same subject.

Along with this, you may experience "false urges" whenever you are exposed to something possibly dangerous, like trains, traffic, meds, chemicals, heights, you name it. Your brain can even say "come on, do it!!" or similar. This is just obsessions, which is diagnostic for OCD, not your "real" thoughts.

Some words of reassurance; no you will not end up killing yourself. OCD feels very real, almost like you want to do it, but you do not "want to want to do it" if that made any sense. People who end up killing themselves ALWAYS have a reason for doing so (usually experiencing themselves as a burden to everyone). There are no such thing as "impulsive suicidality" (you do not just end up throwing yourself in front of traffic, no matter how horrible your life is). The very rare cases of impulsive suicidality happens when someone with severe depression is taking large amounts of drugs and/or alcohol. Suicides may seem impulsive to others, but they are not. It is a long process with hopelessness, experiencing themselves as a burden, etc.

You probably ask yourself; "if I ever will feel suicidal, when is the time to worry?" If you ever (and I STRONGLY doubt this will ever happen) genuinely is feeling like you don't want to wake up the next day, then you may start worrying about "suicidal thoughts" regarding depression. (you will probably get obsessive thoughts telling you that now and then). What we are experiencing is OCD. OCD is a benign condition - though it may cause anxiety, it will not harm you. Not now, not ever.

Thank you guys so much. Part of me was very worried that I would receive taunting comments or responses that would make my OCD worse. But you've given me such good advice and kind words. I can't thank you enough. And I know we will all succeed over this anxiety disorder.

I too want to express my condolences for your friend. And I agree, from your description, your friend didn't have OCD at all.

As you have experienced, OCD will take on whatever theme is the most horrible to you at that time. You described having many different fears. The reality is that the current theme of your fears really is unimportant. Left untreated, it will likely grab hold of some other fear in the future.

The thoughts themselves are not really the problem at all. It's your response to them that is feeding them. You are assigning meaning to thoughts that really have no meaning at all. Try to view your mind as something that is just a thought factory that will produce any thought that it thinks is important at the time. The only reason the thoughts of suicide are be produced by this factory over and over is because you have unwittingly marked them as important thoughts by your reaction. It really has no deeper meaning than that and the more you try to analyze and give meaning to the thought, the more doubts and distress you will experience.

Hi there,

This quite an old post but I came across it recently.

Long story short; the story you are telling matches mine, almost word for word. However, what got me hooked at your post was the “absent” and “deja vu” feelings.

For me, that was actually what triggered my ocd. I have seen every doctor in town and heard all possible BS diagnosis to what may trigger those feelings. It took me almost 3 years till I FINALLY got to the root of this.

It turns out that it is a mild form of epilepsy (partial focal seizures). Once on proper treatment, the absent and deja vu feelings disappeared.

I wanted to share with you the above in case you are still looking for answers for the absence feelings. It may point you in the right direction