OCD & trauma

How do you tell the difference between OCD and trauma related avoidance?

I have a history of extremely severe OCD. I am very happy that over my years of fighting to get better I am now diagnosed merely as "severe OCD" and working my way down to "moderate" (in all hope). I suffer from a mix of obsessions and compulsions related to bacteria (mysophobe) and am emetophobic. I have found trauma therapy the most helpful because while I do have OCD behavior that is simply that: a behavior stemming from fear and so forth, that is unrelated to my past, a lot of my compulsions and obsessions, when getting to their core - is a response to my trauma. I am emetophobic because what was done to me in the past and I am afraid of the germs I am (I do not fear them all), seemingly, at least in part because of trauma. I have other OCD things that I do when I feel upset or triggered such as repetitive movements where I have to do the same thing on one side of my body as the other, click the same amount of times on the up and down of the volume on the remote and so forth. These I can make myself stop though. I've had them since childhood but at one point I was able to (on my own) realize that the logic wasn't there: there is no way that this can objectively help my situation/what I am fearing, and am mostly able to stop full stop if I'm cognizant of doing them.

My mysophobia is a whole other ballgame though. I have been working for years and while I am getting better and better, the intensity of it all is breathtaking, really. This, I would think, is because of all the trauma that laid the foundation of it. Does anyone else have any experience with this? Did your OCD go away when you dealt with the traumas as well as the OCD behaviors? When engaging in OCD behavior it is rarer for me to get flashbacks, overwhelming emotions, dissociative symptoms that are uncomfortable and so forth.

I have mostly done my work alone and with the help of loved ones and I am proud of the work I've done. I do wonder how much of this is compensation and an after-effect of trauma though, and how much is my brain wiring or something like that (I know some is, as OCD runs in both sides of my family). I'd love to talk to someone who could relate. I'm sorry this came out a little jumbled. I've been nervous to post here and I'm trying to push myself right now as I think it would be good for me.

Hi hon

Firstly a huge well done on how much work you have done and all the healing that has gone along with that - you are very strong.

I dont have OCD tho do have a couple of odd behaviours that I do. I do have a history of trauma as you know. But what strikes me is whether this is all boiling down to control - which was not something you had in your past. I wonder if the OCD is a manifestation of wanting to be in control of things and by doing this behaviours you feel like you are. If you dont do them it may ping you back to how out of control you felt in the past meaning that you want to continue the behaviours in order to not feel frightened etc.

If this is the case then I would expect things to improve as you work on the trauma and settling yourself. I did a lot of work on rescuing my inner child and this settled her down and therefore took away the strong emotions associated with trauma meaning I did not have to behave in certain ways anymore (not OCD things but other pahtological behaviour). I would hope that with time things will settle for you. And if anyone can do it, it is you - you are so strong.

I really hope this makes sense

Huge hugs

Cracked

Firstly a huge well done on how much work you have done and all the healing that has gone along with that - you are very strong.

Thanks hon, I really appreciate that.

But what strikes me is whether this is all boiling down to control - which was not something you had in your past. I wonder if the OCD is a manifestation of wanting to be in control of things and by doing this behaviours you feel like you are. If you dont do them it may ping you back to how out of control you felt in the past meaning that you want to continue the behaviours in order to not feel frightened etc.

Part yes, part no. I don't think it has as much to do with control as it does just simply flashbacks and keeping my traumas at bay. Because of the dissociation / DID I can keep my traumas very compartmentalized and I find that if I let go of the OCD behavior, I get new flashbacks and have to integrate those, which is a huge and terrifying thing. I have never found, except with the compulsions I can easily stop, that they haven't related specifically to traumas.

*trigger warning*
For instance I have a lot of compulsions in reguards to handling food. Handling food at home meant I was given foods that were inedible, foods I was allergic to or plain things that are extremely harmful to the body. Most of these memories I can keep at bay, but without the compulsions I tend to get broader memories of it (though I experienced a lot of it myself) or I feel overwhelmed by flashbacks or triggers from what I do remember myself.
*end*

If this is the case then I would expect things to improve as you work on the trauma and settling yourself. I did a lot of work on rescuing my inner child and this settled her down and therefore took away the strong emotions associated with trauma meaning I did not have to behave in certain ways anymore (not OCD things but other pahtological behaviour). I would hope that with time things will settle for you. And if anyone can do it, it is you - you are so strong.

I've found immense relief from the OCD by handling trauma memories and then waiting with pushing too hard on the OCD until I feel able to and then working on it piece by piece. It naturally fades more and more and I don't have to drive myself to the brink with exposure.

I think my OCD may simply be helping keeping my parts/past compartmentalized and while that may sound unhealthy, it's very important to keep those dissociative walls up until we are able to properly deal with things, preferably one thing and one alter at a time. In this aspect it's healthy, as long as it doesn't take complete control of my life (like it has). By working on the dissociation and my past I am lessening the need for the compulsive thoughts and behaviors at all in time.

Those are my thoughts at least.

I really appreciate you replying hon. Lots of hugs.

Sounds to me like the OCD is acting almost in a protective way. Whilst being far from ideal I can see its purpose for you. I would hope that it would naturally decrease as you heal. I dont know much about all of this so I am just speculating but that is what it sounds like to me

Huge hugs

Cracked

Thanks hon. It does seem that way to me too. I would've loved to heard from someone who's taken the same route as me in healing but either way I appreciate the feedback.

Thanks. Hugs

Hopefully you will hear from someone with more direct experience of all this

Huge hugs

Cracked

You know, i think my HOCD / TOCD and some of my earlier obsessions might be due to some emasculation trauma bcause my OCD seem to be triggered when i think unmanly thoughts or about pursuing or having sex with women bcause i feel less of a man.

I'm sorry to hear you've had trauma Zamyou. I think a lot of people would benefit from trauma processing, if their OCD stems from it or not. The anxiety is there for a reason after all.

Best of luck going foward.

Thx man,

Yeh it will take some time but i think i can go back to the person i once were. I'm just too afraid of the thoughts atm and they feel too real to even try to go back..

I can understand that. It can be really overwhelming and scary.

I'm finding my way back to my life again, my obsessions and compulsions have decreased by about 85% in one year. I'm seeing the reasons and working on them and it's really rewarding.

I hope you're able to find some healing too