What Am I ?

Man I need help. I am a 17 year old. Latley, being about 3 or 4 months ago, i've been experiencing this thought that I might be Gay. I don't know why this has happend, but one day it just popped into my head and stayed there untill present day. From that point on I have been questioning my sexuality. Personally I am a very liberal be what you want to be kind of person, but to this I really have like a limit ( just to be clear I have nothing against gay people ), this limit is that since little I had many crushes to different girls, untill recently I got of a relationship, to which I really liked the girl; I have sometimes these dreams that involve her with my bestfriend and in the dream I become very sad, but when I am back to real life I play as i don't care about it ( which sometimes I do & other times I don't ). Coming back to the subject, I feel confused towards being gay, staight, bi or whatever. These questions pop into my head EVERY day, and each time I try to reach a conclusion I come back and change it, that's how uncertain I am, in this point I am at I would just say & go with anything to calm my self up all ready. I really don't want to be gay, really really really. Sometimes I say: " well I am gay, ###$ it, but then I get all jumpy and begin saying to my self man you can't be gay, you liked girls since you were just a boy; and you go to a all boys school, if you were gay you would have fallen for a buddy of yours". The thing I fear the most to this point is of being gay, I have these feelings to which I want to be, but know that I am not, it's like a little voice in me that tells me that I am. I've tried everything from looking up things to help me understand, have talked to my closest family members about it & some of my friends and they all say the same thing: " man you're not gay". And I think to my self hoe can they be so sure of it, when I am not even that sure. To that I have tried to watch gay ( man on man ) porn to see if I get an erection, that will tell me if I am attracted, sure I was raised with girls all my life ( 5-8 female cousins ) & 5 ( male cousins ) and i ca really say from and honest opinion yeah that guy is pretty attractive, but not that I want to ###$ his brains out. Since i started watching porn I always watched straight porn, it was this year when i first came to see what gay porn was, it freaked me out, because I thought I liked it, and never knew really. Dam I just going crazy, I want to forget or know what am I, is this a phase I am going through or I am really gay, to which I hope I am not. Sometimes i would just kid, saying, around my friends, yeah I am gay women are too complicated or just blame my ex for me leaving me in this state.

P.S. family isn't the problem, I am very close to each of my family and know they would accept me ( except my dad he is a homophobe, untill some day's ago I was too, I feared gay people, not a fear that I showed but I did not like to be with them that much, sometimes it bothered me others it did not ). It is weird to me if I really am gay, because I never liked a boy ( I think ) was not until these day's that i began to try and fantasizing about boys to se if I got turned on or if I liked it, but no it only gave me those freaky jumps. Don't feel that good of thinking I am gay, hate it really. It like overshadows me and does not let me live my life, i restrain the way I write because I think it may sound gay, or they way I walk or talk. This is really not helping me, I can think straight if I want to be with a girl, to add one time a was making out with a girl an didn't have an erection, freaked me out. I always had this respect for women because I was raised by alot of them like 7 o 8 women and they always told how to be with a girl, just about the other day's i wanted to be the perfect man a girl needs i her life, sounds a little wrong a guy saying that right ? Haha but it's true and I very jealous of my family ( girls ) and over protective. Please tell me whats qrong, if i am gay i'll take it, I wish that's not the answer but if it is well :/ ... I just got afraid because I thought that writing that is me accepting it -.- HELP

You're in the OCD forum, Rope1234, rather than the Sexual Dysfunctions one. So, HOCD is more likely than super-repressed homosexuality. You'll find a number of other threads from people with stories just like yours here. However, if it is HOCD, reading them won't convince you for long. Because the OCD part of your brain is tricky like that.

My suggestion would be to find a therapist and talk this through with them, honestly and openly. Do NOT watch any more gay porn. Do NOT try to find other ways to test your sexuality. When the thought "I could be gay" comes to mind, try to step back from it. It's just a thought. You don't have to think it and you definitely don't have to be it. Just a thought. It's not even a thought that the whole of your brain is thinking, it's coming out of the OCD bit of your brain. You could think "oh, look, I'm having the 'could be gay' thought again." And then let it go and think about something else. Really hard to do, hence getting a therapist on your side to help support you.