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Getting over a narcissistic relationship

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Getting over a narcissistic relationship

Postby doggirl » Fri May 20, 2011 8:13 am

Hi

I am posting this on here as I really don't know where else to go about this and most of my family are tired of hearing about it. Basically, about 4 years ago I got involved with a man who I now suspect to be a narcissist. I had a business relationship with him which also became a personal relationship. He was very nice and charming to me at first. Then gradually, he basically played on my emotional attachment to him and the fact I was going through a divorce to get money out of me. All upfront payments for the business dealings I had with him. I stupidly believed him and almost actively offered him the money on several occasions beliveing he wouldn't let me down and would do the work. The work he was doing was left undone and this dragged on for about 2 years. Our relationship was very up and down and no one else knew about it as he insisted it all had to be kept secret. He very often lost his temper with me on several occasions but he was never actually physically violent. At the time I thought abuse= physical but I can know see that it was emotional abuse and he turned me into a nervous wreck. I was unable to function at work or focus properly on my son and my house was a complete mess. Through all this I stupidly kept on seeing him on and off but it was always at his control. I guess from the outside it was just sex and he certainly seemed obsessed with me sexually (not that he was anything amazing in that department).In fact, his sexual feelings towards me were about the one aspect of him I would regard as genuine! Sorry TMI. He would never say he loved me unless I said it first and then he would say he did and at times he seemed genuine. I know that he had been rejected by his parents as a child and had a difficult childhood so I believed that he had just hardened himself up emotionally in order to protect himself. He has severed ties with very close relatives who were very dear to him and I figured if he could do this he must be damaged. I think I thought I could repair the emotional damage by loving him, especially as he had opened up to me about his past a lot in the early days (he gradually got more distant after that). All contact with him always had to be when it suited him, he would never book things in for me - just expecting me to wait with literally an hour's notice or less.

I now have met someone else who is a really nice guy. Stupidly I ended up seeing the narcisstic ex partway through my new relationship. Not something I am proud of, it almost feels like I turned to him when things are going badly, so maybe I associate him with bad aspects of my life. I think I was also just desperate for him to say sorry and he was very charming etc having not seen me for several months .

My problem now is that I am finding it so hard to move on from this narcisstic ex. I feel as if my involvment with him during my new relationship has tainted that relationship. I now also find myself without a job (basically he destroyed my self esteem at work and I cracked). I have also lost tens of thousands because of him. I know I stand a fat chance of getting it back as he is in debt up to his eyeballs so I think I have to just write it off.

I so desperately want to move on with my life but I just feel like he is hanging over me and is to blame for so many things in my life. I blame myself for a lot of it too. I sometimes feel like the only way to move on from this is to cut everything - my new relationship etc and physically move just because being around here reminds me of him constantly. I never used to be like this - I was very strong before I met this guy - had a good career etc and generally had my head screwed on but maybe I was naively trusting as I had never encountered anyone like him before. I am not the only one he has fooled - everyone that has met him says how plausible he is.

I am really hoping someone can basically confirm that yes this guy is a narcissist and give me some ideas as to why I still feel this attachment to him and how I can finally get rid of him. I should add he is out of my life physcially, but he is still messing with my head.
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Re: Getting over a narcissistic relationship

Postby harleydog » Fri May 20, 2011 12:28 pm

sorry to hear about your situation, very sad, and there are many of us here with similar stories. No one here is going to say yeah he is NPD or anything, the narcs get mad when you say this. He does sound highly narcissistic and no matter what that pretty tough to be in a relationship with. If you sever ties with him, things will get better. you just need to do this so he has no more control of your emotions. NO CONTACT or minimal contact if you work with him. narcs dont change unless they want to, no one does. natural consequences change people, people dont change people.
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Re: Getting over a narcissistic relationship

Postby wanderingstar » Fri May 20, 2011 7:07 pm

nothing to add to advice above. i am sorry you had this difficult experience.

but, one way or another, you will move on and you have already probably in many ways, it just takes time to sever these kinds of ties sometimes. keep clear, keep strong, take it one-day-at-a-time.
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Re: Getting over a narcissistic relationship

Postby Blarneystone » Sat May 21, 2011 4:55 pm

Try to think back to the time when you first found yourself attracted to him. What was going on in your head? Was he exciting? Good looking? Seemingly a perfect match?

Again, what was going on in your head? What were you saying to yourself? Was it real or just a fantasy you were having at the time now that you know the truth?

People's feelings can change over time - maybe you haven't seen how far your emotions have changed for this person since you first met. Think of him as a prostitute. He does whatever he does with you for a payoff. You wouldn't fall in love with a prostitute would you? You know better right?

Acknowledging you are trying to live out a fantasy is a big first step. Keeping away from him is the second.
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