Thank You

I'm truly grateful for this site.

As a Narcissist this site has been immensely helpful since there is a strange dynamic here.

First Narcissism, being unaware and waking up to its realization, is kina like the part in fight club where the guy (he never had a name) realizes that he and Tyler are the same person. What I mean, and this is just my opinion, is that the rage stems from the utter lack of any natural emotional vocabulary. So, many of my points, complaints, views, etc are perfectly valid but they would naturally come out as just rage.

Many of the alleged victims here have/had a knack for summoning such rage. Throughout months of posting here I would get closer to the source of that rage and what I was actually trying to say. Kind of like doing an integral for the first time and making a total mess of it (you screw up and the integral actually gets larger). In my opinion I was really saying the following:

1. the abuse that made me a Narcissist happened and I wished to have that dept repaid.
2. just my view as I see it: since you (metaphorical you not literally you) bought the persona and I was incapable of demonstrating the real me I would rage at you're inability to meet me "half way". Thus a sense of entitlement is present; I expect you to see right through me. Totally unfair of me though.

NPD it seems is nothing more than something like PTSD from a Narcissistic dynamic. I expected anybody and everybody to act exactly like that narcissistic parent. In which case, I'd wait for you to make a mistake then rip your head off. If you wanted/demanded me to act like you act or feel like you feel than, naturally, I'd assume that once again its "All about you"...then rage.

But if you think about it its really kinda reactionary isn't it? Basically, I'd put myself in the passive role searching for the validation I should have gotten when I was about 5 or so. Recently I've decided that such validation will never occur from others nor from my family, so its my job to validate myself accordingly. With this mindset, I really don't need you're validation or anything close to it. If we're going to meet it has to be on equal terms or none at all.

Of course about 90% of the population, PD or not, is unaware of themselves and will rationalize, blame, and do everything to keep themselves alone and miserable. Many folks here sit here year after year still blaming their alleged "N" for choosing to let him/her move in after 3 weeks of dating and ruining her life. Raging at such facts here for months really taught me something...

Its seriously none of my business. For sure there is a complete and utter confusion between overt arrogance and full blown NPD, and almost everybody has no idea of what they're talking about and most likely projecting their own crap into the mix.

But hitting this wall and raging at it time and time again seriously taught me something. Literally, Narcissists are stuck in the narcissistic phase of development, and thus make an image to "impress" as a tool to get that original validation. Most likely nothing more than that. So, me raging at the mistakes, folly, and suffering of others does nothing...

But hold me back. Meanwhile, there was this strange deep-seated hidden envy. It turned out that this envy was a secret, subconscious, desire to be what and who I should have been and now its my job to seek it. None of this has anything to do with material goods, fame, or any of that crap. Its funny actually, that I perfectly understood perfect failure or getting the Top Notch but the thought of just living a life making about $30k never dawned on me.

So, NPD is basically like living in a perpetual war zone. That fight to get honest validation leads to constant fighting to uphold an image in my head that is impossible to attain, in which I'd throw on some persona to get it, then rage at those close to me that would buy it. Then there would be perfectly innocent by-standers who would show something I didn't like and get an immediate N-injury, dominate them, etc...repeat process all for the purpose of actually getting permission to be myself. Silly but true.

The very fact that many folks in America are becoming increasingly narcissistic didn't help much, but truly it has nothing to do with me. Jumping up and down angry as hell because somebody else rationalizes her/his crap doesn't help anything, and I was right, it is a zero-sum game. However, none of this really gave me what I really wanted. For sure, you can't cure a personality type and I know damn well that my first reaction is that of a Narcissist but it never really gave me anything tangible.

All of you can completely confuse arrogance with NPD and whine about it, but its really none of my affair but such complaining and rationalizing did, in the end, help me very much.

Thanks.

NPD it seems is nothing more than something like PTSD from a Narcissistic dynamic.

Right on the money! I've been saying this for ages.

Brilliant post Euler and I really hope these epiphanies bring about all the positive change you want.

But if you think about it its really kinda reactionary isn't it? Basically, I'd put myself in the passive role searching for the validation I should have gotten when I was about 5 or so. Recently I've decided that such validation will never occur from others nor from my family, so its my job to validate myself accordingly. With this mindset, I really don't need you're validation or anything close to it.

This is my favorite part of what you've written, Euler. This is the idea of 'reparenting' or becoming aware of what was missed out on in the very early formative years and learning how to give that to one's self and accept it from a few well-chosen others.

There is nothing passive about that; it's a very active process. And, as you say, it's not dependent on anyone else, but our own growing ability to see ourselves more and more clearly, and give us what we need. It's really the antithesis of the 'supply' idea.

Our job to validate ourselves... yeah, that's where it can start. It's not easy but it can be done. A good therapist can sometimes help with that.

I would suggest that you get 1-2 others whom you can trust to have your best interests at heart and who'll dare to tell you the truth as they see it to help in your self-validation though. We ALL have blind spots, whether we have a PD or not. We need at least a few others to help us see ourselves clearly.

In some ways, this board can assist with that process too... as you've already said in your post. But, a person has to have the self-awareness to really see themselves, and, therein, lies the rub of narcissism.

I hope you keep posting. I like to read your posts.

Euler wrote:NPD it seems is nothing more than something like PTSD from a Narcissistic dynamic.

Hear hear. I never even realized I'd been abused (let alone able to admit it) until I'd been on this site. I wish more people would recognize the awful origins of Narcissism. How they expect to fix the problem without recognizing how it happened is beyond me.

Many folks here sit here year after year still blaming their alleged "N" for choosing to let him/her move in after 3 weeks of dating and ruining her life.

I lol'd. Those people drive me nuts...I have to take a deep breath and remind myself they clearly have their own issues.

But honestly, this is the ONLY board I've seen with ACTUAL NPD people, rather than just supposed "victims", or chased away bu supposedly-compassionate who hypocritically think we need to "just get over it".

Thanks for being a regular writer here.

Thanks folks for the kind replies. Its weird though, that after becoming aware of the PD I was immediately hit by all the hate many folks have towards NPD. I still think its strange that such a wall was actually useful to me in the long run.

Right on the money! I've been saying this for ages.

Brilliant post Euler and I really hope these epiphanies bring about all the positive change you want.

Thanks Narcoblan and likewise, but for some reason it didn't really dawn on me until I came to that conclusion myself. Strange how you can hear something from somebody else but it won't be worth much until someone hits that realization her/himself.

Euler wrote:... but for some reason it didn't really dawn on me until I came to that conclusion myself. Strange how you can hear something from somebody else but it won't be worth much until someone hits that realization her/himself.

That's because you don't think what others say applies to you until... you realize it applies to you.

props, refreshing perspective.

This is my favorite part of what you've written, Euler. This is the idea of 'reparenting' or becoming aware of what was missed out on in the very early formative years and learning how to give that to one's self and accept it from a few well-chosen others.

I have seen this re-parenting idea on these boards before. But the N cannot be re-parented by others, only him self right?
Interesting insights Euler.

^ Thanks. Well, I can't say anything about the validity of the "reparenting" idea but as a layperson actually experiencing the process it makes good sense. Although I think framing it as reparenting can be misleading.

Perhaps I'm totally wrong here but to keep it simple: due to my possibly Narcissist parent's expectations I was stuck in the narcissistic phase while the rest of me grew up leading to a painful contradiction. So, its kinda funny in hindsight, but I'm [b]I'm exactly like many adults[b]; that my folks expectations are different than the ones I should have developed.

It doesn't make sense to expect someone else to develop those boundaries, world views, ideas, beliefs, etc through someone else does it? That's my job...to form my own life constructs, that make sense to me and perhaps only me, and stand by them. So, the reparenting idea coupled with the Real vs Fake me makes much more sense to me.

That doesn't mean that I don't wake up with my original concepts, ideas, attitudes, etc half the time nor does it mean that my social instincts have changed at all. Its more of a question of what do I really want?...the Narcissist me and everything about her/him hasn't served me well, so there's my answer.