NPD Life Crisis and Decision Making

I'm not sure what question I'm asking.

So, I just broke up with my now-ex. This being shortly after getting fired from my job. Unless I get a new job quick, my choices are: (a) move back in with my parents, shudder, or (b) couch or shelter hop. (Insert inevitable life crisis here.)

So obviously I'm making some important decisions about the direction of my life. Problem: I do not have the capacity to do this.

I have no goals in life. I have no values. Therefore, I have nothing governing my decision-making process.

One friend suggested I join the army. Another suggested I join her this summer on a cross-country bike trip. Or I could become a voluntarily homeless nomad and blog about it. Or I could do something else. All options seem as good to me as any other because I'm pretty much indifferent.

Uh, I know you guys can't inject me with values or life goals or proper emotions, lol. Just opening a discussion thread for similar experiences.

Ok, put aside emotion and fulfillment through goals.

What makes you comfortable/happy in tiny doses?


Do you like warm baths? Having enough money to buy what food you want?

Internet?

Do you like quite places, (like your own apartment) where you can get lost in fantasy without interruption?

Make a list........of the little things, you want/wouldn't mind.........


Also, avoid commitment where it would be hard to get out of..........or push you down a path that would lead too far in one direction.


The army.........they have contracts. They can stop-loss you. They can put in you in jail, when you decide to quit. DO NOT DO THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Bike trip with friends? Sounds like a lot of work/getting stranded far away.



You need money. Food. Access to healthcare........and you also need to provide for your future. (ain't going to be young forever)


Even if you don't feel too attached to these ideas.......when you have no food, or are in a home or are getting messed around because you didn't care enough.......you'll be annoyed and in danger.


It's like, getting fired........created this problem. You didn't realise that, fully.........when you got fired for being stupid.........if you act stupid with this problem, then it will create another.

You don't see that as a problem now.............but you will when you get there.


Treat this like a math problem.

If i give you a piece of paper that says 2+________= 4. Well you'd put the answer in. You wouldn't worry about how it made you feel, or how it didn't make you feel.......it would just be "duh".


So just see this as boring old "duh"........... You+_____________='s what? Safe. Healthy. Not hungry. Not getting raped on the streets. Not getting shot at in afghanistan. Not enduring your parents.


Don't get lost in all the "husband" "love" "kids" "career" garbage..........and don't let it, get you lost by your denial of it.

Keep it simple.

If all choices seem the same.......make the ones that are the easiest and safest. Till you learn how to differentiate between them.

Twistedmister wrote:Ok, put aside emotion and fulfillment through goals.
What makes you comfortable/happy in tiny doses?
Do you like warm baths? Having enough money to buy what food you want?
You don't see that as a problem now.............but you will when you get there.[...]
Keep it simple.
If all choices seem the same.......make the ones that are the easiest and safest. Till you learn how to differentiate between them.

OK Twisted... here's another example of how you amaze me sometimes.
This is excellent advice. Your approach is simple and solid.
A therapist (if there were any around but of course there are no professionals on this board) couldn't have offered anything better.
Lifesong

Yes, the advice you've received is excellent.

Take care of yourself, undenied. <3

After getting email because I got private messages, I had to peek in here...

undenied, you don't have values or goals, but you have interests. I know for a fact that you're interested in psychology, so that's a career option of course - though it's probably pretty unhealthy for you. But I'm sure you have other interests as well. What do you like, what do you enjoy, except supply? (I'm aware that if you dig deep enough, every feeling of pleasure that you experience is probably related to supply in some way or another, but don't. Just refuse to dig that deep, it'll only make you feel bad. From a normie perspective, what are your hobbies and favorite activities?) Pursue those.

If you're one of the narcissists who like children, you could always become a teacher, too - massive amounts of supply in there.

But seriously, choosing a career path isn't nearly as important as it's often made out to be. Work at McDonald's. Clean floors. Just do random $#%^ so you can afford a nice apartment, food, and the occasional luxury. In fact, it's probably really healthy for you to do mundane jobs such as these.

You should however not do weird $#%^ like bike tours or voluntary homelessness. I've made the highly important discovery that social normality correlates with psychological normality... the implications of which are huge. Be normal - live a normal life. Do not be special. You know what I mean, don't you?

Also don't join the army, they'll rape your ego until you can't walk.

I think I remember a post where you said that you're talented in IT work. Think that you had a good job there, but got yourself fired. Why not return to that field? Fairly good money. Fairly good job market. A way to pay the bills until you figure out what you'd like to do other than that.
Now is the time to be practical, not fantastical.
Dreaming can be good when the essentials of life are taken care of. Often though, in a life crisis of a practical nature, dreaming is just another way to avoid real life.

Super late reply. As you can imagine, my life is a little hectic.

So after reading Twistedmister's reply, I actually tried to go do that. Sit down and make a list of little things I liked, and tried to go from there. Uh, results were not good.

- First, for 9 out of 10 things I "like", I don't actually enjoy them. I only enjoy the sense of identity they give me. This is why I up and drop hobbies and jobs at the drop of a hat, because I don't have any actual connection to them. Then I pick a new thing to obsess over, before it stops doing its job of distracting me from myself and then I drop it too. So my "likes" list is very, very short.

- The likes I *do* have are unhelpful. I like reading. But I know I hate to be "forced" to do it. I like walking around the woods alone. Pretty sure there's no job for that. I like sewing, but I'm too much of a perfectionist to ever complete a project -- I mean it,I have never finished anything ever. I like antiques. Uh. That's it I guess. (Note, the GOOD thing about that list is it does seem those things are all unrelated to supply, so I must really genuinely enjoy them.)

- But even those likes are questionable, because I frankly don't trust my own perception. For example, I always wanted to build a log home in the woods - I love the woods and rustic living. One of my longest-running fantasy goals. But do I really? Will I just lose interest in it once I obtain it? Probably, so what's the point?

- I can't get a job in IT because I have no degree. Believe me, I've been trying. (And no, there's a terrible job market around here for everything.) (Amusing side note: what makes me angry is that I would have a job by now if they'd just interview me, because my Narc skills are amazing during interviews. I've never interviewed for a job I didn't get.)

- I can't get into any of the careers that I think I would genuinely enjoy, because I can't go to college. I tried three times already and ditched every time because I can't handle the stress of people judging me and grading it. I freak. (If they would just send me to the library for a few years and leave me alone, I would be a Physicist by now.) On a more practical note, I can't get back into college because in order to pay for it I'd need a lone, which means I'd have to go full-time, but I can't go on full-time because I have too many incomplete/failed classes to make up, plus I have awful credit.

- The other problem with things like IT is that I think I'd rather choke than be in an office setting again. It's pretty soul-crushing, and as someone who doesn't have much in the soul department, I can't stand it. Faking it daily for those idiots makes me want to die --- by doing mindless work like retail or factory sends me off the deep end.

Okay, I know I'm just babbling now. tl;dr - I've thought a lot about it.

One last side note: I'm extremely bitter about how useless therapy has been. I'm trying not to be. I feel better knowing that, uh, that's typical for this little condition, but it's hard for me not to scream THERAPY IS F-ING USELESS. At least my Case Manager offers practical help.


Specific response to unreal;
I do know exactly what you mean by "don't be special". The trouble is I've been trying to fit in all my damn life, and it's given me nothing but misery, so it's hard to even want to strive in that direction.
"Also don't join the army, they'll rape your ego until you can't walk." -- Lol. But wouldn't that be a good thing?? But seriously, I have no ego. I don't follow through on tasks unless I am watched like a hawk. I can't provide myself with basic needs, food, shelter. Joining the military is honestly one of the better ideas on my plan-list.

Maybe try to get any sort of outdoors job for now - anything at all that's not in an office/factory/shop.

If you ever complete any sewing projects and they're good, you could sell them on Etsy. Specialize in something and set up an Etsy shop. You can come and go from it as you like - no pressure.

One last side note: I'm extremely bitter about how useless therapy has been

Have you not done everything in your power to make it useless?


You have no Ego? But you can't handle being graded?

Does that make sense to you?



When i look at you, i see 2 main issues.

1. You cannot maintain any effort in anything.......once you stop enjoying it

2. You aren't as smart as you think you are


2. keeps you from doing anything about 1.

First, for 9 out of 10 things I "like", I don't actually enjoy them. I only enjoy the sense of identity they give me. This is why I up and drop hobbies and jobs at the drop of a hat, because I don't have any actual connection to them

We all knew this already. Atleast I did. And according to you.........so did you.


My advice was not to make a list of things you like and look for a career in that area.

My advice, was don't starve to death. Don't lose access to resources.


People to f@#K that's a resource. A bed to sleep in, that's a resource. An internet to learn new stuff and gather supply......that's a resource. Clothes to wear, RESOURCE!


What you like, has nothing to do with anything. You use things to get supply..........we get that.
You need access to SUPPLY! RESOURCES GIVE YOU SUPPLY!


Your ex, he gave you access to resources. But you messed that up.

Your job, gave you access to resources........but you messed that up.


ME, my intelligence is a bloody resource, but you did your best to F^&K that up.


You are a giant F((K up machine. And each F((K up is only going to get costlier and costlier.


And if you end up homeless, wandering the streets........you will be unlikely to come back from that.

If you end up in prison, again, unlikely to come back from that.



We get it.........supply runs dry, you need to get new supply.

What you need to do, is secure a method of getting new supply. Making new supply, readily available as safely as possible........until you get "healthier" if you ever do.


But you, seem to be doing your best........to make that as difficult as possible, on both fronts.

I love the woods and rustic living. One of my longest-running fantasy goals. But do I really? Will I just lose interest in it once I obtain it? Probably, so what's the point?

The point...........is To use that realisation.........to motivate you, to change. What's the point of anything, if you are just going to lose interest.
You need to obtain interest.........the ability, to manufacture interest. You must change in order to do that.
You cannot change, unless you change what you are doing.

How can you change what you are doing?

This goes back to point 1. you find it difficult to do things, unless they are fun for you

2. you aren't as smart as you think you are


You change, by fighting 1. and 2.


All your issues.........are 1. and 2.

Every issue you have, is made up of 1. and 2.