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How to communicate effectively with a Narc?

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How to communicate effectively with a Narc?

Postby Optimist77 » Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:16 pm

Temper tantrums, periodic rage followed by calmness. I have noticed that if I wait for the right moment, it is much easier to discuss things with my NP. More constructive, in any case.

However, there are times, when it just cannot wait. I must bring up issues, which will throw her in complete rage.

I am tired of waiting around for periods of "least resistance", times when she is willing to listen.

How does one communicate effectively?
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Postby SoSal » Fri Jan 04, 2008 9:09 pm

In my experience, you can't communicate.

My N did not want to communicate but to dominate.

Communication is two sided, but for her there was only one side (her own).

I can remember talking to her during periods of calm too. Sure, she wasn't shouting then, but I don't think she actually listened then, only seemed to listen.

Because nothing ever changed.

When I spoke I think the only information she was picking up in her mind was: how do I need to change my tactics in light of this new information? how can I make use of what I'm learning about him now to keep doing what I want without him catching on?
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Postby shivers » Sat Jan 05, 2008 1:52 am

exactly what the other poster said!

To communicate would imply there is a level of mutuality in the relationship, but with an N he/she is never in that Reality. It does help to regard the relationship as two people living in separate realities. Whereby the non-N is living a relationship of mutuality (hence your question about communication) and the N is living in his or her own reality which consists of control, manipulation, domination and self-centredness.

During those periods of calmness when it seems as though you are having a talk the N is gleaning information to use against you at a later date to their advantage.

In my experience with my NPD partner I did get a level of communication of sorts for a short number of months. I did exactly what he did. Yelled and raged back, laid down the law, told him off, and firmly put boundaries up and in place. It worked for a while, but it wasn't a lot of fun.
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Postby Nanday » Sat Jan 05, 2008 3:21 am

What everyone else said, plus this: where possible have witnesses to important conversations. Until my children were old enough to hear/participate in family conversations, I would think I was communicating with my N, only to find out that he had ignored or worse, changed what I said. I sometimes doubted myself, as he would argue very convincingly that I had not said what I believed I had said to him.

When the children got older, they would confirm that I had indeed said something and he had apparently agreed to it. This was the only thing that seemed to shake him (temporarily) out of the certainty of his rightness. Having said this, I don't recommend involving children as it forces them to take sides. I suppose if a narc will agree to joint counselling, this is a good venue to have important conversations as you have a witness in the counsellor.

During our divorce, after every conversation I immediately sent a courteous, business-like email confirming what had been said or agreed. I kept copies of these. It closed the door on opportunities for him to come back later and tell me I had agreed to something entirely different.

Yelling got his attention, but I hated the person I was becoming.
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Postby posterboy » Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:30 am

you're asking the wrong question. it's more like: how can I put as much distance as possible between me and my narc so that I never have to communicate with her again? Trust me, it's better that way. Trying to get through to them is like trying to pin down a greasy pig.
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How to communicate effectively with a narc

Postby mindful » Sat Jan 05, 2008 9:13 pm

Strangely, there was mention of a witch-hunt on another thread.

My narc-friend-student has been back in touch, wearing just the right demeanor to get the english lessons he needs from me. (Am I just being maniuplated for lessons? Why me?)

Sucker that I am, I again tell him how his lack of regard, etc (blahblahblah) makes it difficult for me. Why do I want to help him?? Does that really make me co-dependent?

He says tired of me puttin him on trial! It feels like Salem!!
He who wants something from me!

It's incredible how 'depersonalized' and faceless he has (and continues) to make me feel.
And yet I feel compelled to comply, to prove to myself that he is just a student, to exorcize the pain he caused me...
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