Closet Narcissism and Social Withdrawal

I withdraw into a world of books, movies, tv, The Internet, and my own reveries. A voyeur, I guess.

I think people are interesting, but once the need for interaction on my end arises, I find any kind of ship to be too much of a burden. I get joy out of people, but I find it does not outweigh the immense expectations I assume the other, well, expects.

I live in the city, and everyone else's lives pass by me. I am the fish in the fishbowl.

All billions of you are on the stage. And I am the lone spectator.

I noticed you posted an intro to the BPD forum. Do you identify with BPD or covert N?

I can relate to on the outside looking in. I have vivid memories of sitting in my truck at a stop light, looking at the family in the car next to me, imagining what they were talking about, wondering if they knew what they had, if they valued it. I felt like I was the only one who could recognize the value of being part of bond like that -- but could never be.

It absolutely never dawned on me that I was the weakest link in the chain. I thought it was because I couldn't find someone who valued a "special connection" like that. I can see now I couldn't find someone to mirror my idealized "special bond."

I've said sometimes my self-awareness doesn't stand out to me because it's been a daily development. But, occasionally something gives me that "then and now" perspective (like I had on a dog-training field when the beginner's group caught my eye from the advanced side of the field, and I thought "holy crap! I couldn't imagine seeing myself here!" I'm having one of those moments remember a stop light I sat at. I would have never thought I could understand it the way I do now.

It's funny because I literally thought I couldn't find someone who could find that kind of value in a relationship, I wasn't sure anyone placed such value in such (as evidenced by my thoughts gazing into their car, wondering if they valued it, implying they might now). You'd think that would lead to the natural question: if they take it for granted, maybe everyone does, maybe *I* am expecting too much... why can't I find someone who share's my value for a relationship?

That would have led to how I think the relationship should be better than it is, but really it's the person who should be better than they are, and finally, better at reflecting my high standards for a relationship to be perfect (because I deserve such).

I would have *never* seen it that way. It's like I'm looking across the field at myself again.