I think I'm a vulnerable NPD

This is my first post so I'll let you know I'm a 22 year-old male. I've seen therapists due to my depression and feelings of gender dysphoria and I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. Bi-polar seemed to make sense except that I never showed any manic symptoms aside from not being cripplingly depressed and grandiose fantasies, but I could still have those during depression. I feel anhedonic, I'm either depressed or empty, not manic.

I've always been selfish and throughout my life have manipulated family members to get what I want. My mother is my tool to undermine my father and I manipulate my brother to take risks for me. I've very seriously injured my brother but I'm more concerned about the trouble I'd get it. Even to this day I blame my brother for those injuries.

If I wasn't getting the positive attention I wanted I'd make up stories to get a laugh from friends. I never told stories about myself, they were always stories about other people, and very often at their expense. As a result my friends from high school have a very negative opinion of my brother as he was the easiest guinea pig. If my friends didn't talk to me whenever I expected them to I felt like they were avoiding me and were plotting together to abandon me. I like making online friends because as soon as I see no benefit from the relationship it's extremely easy for me to cut off all ties to the person, and I have done this to a lot of people and I usually blame them for making me have to leave.

I always try to play the victim, even if I've done something to hurt someone else. I'll get very angry if someone accuses me of doing something that I've actually done saying stuff like "How can you say I did that?". And I usually don't feel bad for stuff I do to people. If one of my parents gets angry with me sometimes I feign extreme emotional hurt until they apologize and forget what they were angry with me about. Feelings of guilt aren't absent but they are all from young ages like 10-13 maybe. Over the years I've become more emotionally callous. I don't see that as a bad thing though, in fact I wish I were a sociopath because I see emotions as weaknesses.

I always have expectations with how people treat me or speak to me and if they aren't met I get very upset and in some cases angry. I have fantasies of being the best at something, or the hero in situations or God himself. I expect people to praise me for every little thing I do and when they don't I get very upset and depressed. When I do get praise I don't believe it and get annoyed. When I fail at something it's never my fault, either what I'm doing is flawed or someone is out to get me.

I think I'm special and more deserving than everyone else, I'm better than everyone else but I also feel worthlessness and self-pity and that I am incapable of accomplishing anything. If I try something and can't be good at it immediately then there isn't a possibility of getting good for me.

I don't feel love, or at least I don't think I do. If a family member died the only problem I'd have with it is whatever dependencies I had off them are now gone. I've even had fantasies of less important friends or my brother dying just so I could get pity from people or use it as an excuse to avoid work.

The idea of a romantic relationship sounds ridiculous to me, why would I want someone to whom I am to feel obligated to spend money on or share my stuff/house/bed with just for sex? The only reason I'd get married is if my partner worked while I stayed at home. Sex doesn't even appeal to me, I'd much rather masturbate. My masturbation fantasies are connected to the gender identity so I picture myself as a woman, and I don't picture the other person I spend the whole fantasy looking at myself. When I was younger I usually felt disgusted with myself after climaxing but I've done it enough that I don't any more.

I knew I was selfish and sometimes hated myself because of my selfishness, but that didn't make me any less selfish. I never realized narcissism personality disorder existed until a few days ago when I took Hare's test online and it suggested NPD as a possible diagnosis, I took it to see what my score would be like towards sociopathy (note: I know online tests aren't very accurate and especially aren't replacements for a diagnosis, it was just for an idea to myself). I knew I wasn't a sociopath despite how much I wish I were, but I started researching NPD after the test and it didn't really connect to me until I found the vulnerable NPD and that one seemed to connect with almost everything, even things I never recognized as being part of a personality disorder (I thought my selfishness was just a normal bad trait). I found a test online (again I know it's not a replacement for a diagnosis it was just for an idea) specifically for vulnerable NPD and I scored 109/115 and anything above 97 was a supposed definite sign of NPD (according to the writer's of the test).

I find this possible diagnosis hard because narcissism isn't exactly something that people will be likely to sympathize. My bigger worry is that I've identified myself as transgender and NPD could be a cause, maybe less likely than borderline personality disorder, but it still could be that my gender identity is completely made up by myself. It could make my situation easier but I have an extremely hard time opening up to anyone who I see even slightly regularly, even a therapist. There are all sorts of things I keep hidden. Even if I went into a session with the plan of opening up about something the overwhelming odds are I will bite my tongue and and not say anything at all.

What makes you think you are a vulnerable rather than an overt narcissist?

I think vulnerable narcissists are more sensitive and have stronger sense of shame and anxiety.

Bloody hell. I could have written that post myself, almost every word, apart from the bipolar and some of the childhood stuff. I too experienced what I thought was gender dysphoria but put that down to possible auto-erotism.

koalaxie wrote:What makes you think you are a vulnerable rather than an overt narcissist?

I think vulnerable narcissists are more sensitive and have stronger sense of shame and anxiety.

The reason I think I'm a vulnerable narcissist is because I get easily embarassed when I get attention despite my internal desire for it. I am hypersensitive to criticism. I feel anxiety a lot about my lack of capabilities or lack of successes. I try to be nice to people but realized (when I read about vulnerable narcissism) that I never really did it for other people, I did it for my image. I'm not overtly narcissistic I always hide it and feel shame about my selfishness. Up until now I truely believed I was a nice person, but I can see now that every nice deed I did was out of insecurity not genuine care.

Nightdrive wrote:Bloody hell. I could have written that post myself, almost every word, apart from the bipolar and some of the childhood stuff. I too experienced what I thought was gender dysphoria but put that down to possible auto-erotism.

Well I'm starting to question if bipolar is even the real diagnosis, the doctors were probably easy to jump to that because my mother is bipolar, but I'm wondering if even that's true.

I finally made an appointment about my gender identity with a specialist for a couple months from now. I don't really feel comfortable telling him I think it could be made up by a personality disorder that I was never diagnosed with. Especially since when my family physician many years ago told me he thinks it was a delusion and I just got angry and ignored him and found a new doctor.

There are all sorts of things I keep hidden. Even if I went into a session with the plan of opening up about something the overwhelming odds are I will bite my tongue and and not say anything at all.

Actually, that was pretty amazing. Thanks for sharing. The other term for Vulnerable Narcissism that is used often is Covert Narcissism. Search this forum for posts by addx describing covert narcissistic inner workings and outward behavior. Take care.

BuiltToLast wrote:Actually, that was pretty amazing. Thanks for sharing. The other term for Vulnerable Narcissism that is used often is Covert Narcissism. Search this forum for posts by addx describing covert narcissistic inner workings and outward behavior. Take care.

I have a much easier time being honest over forums, which makes a lot of sense. I found a post you are talking about and it was an interesting read so thanks for telling me about it.