Narcissists and Sadistic Sex, BDSM, is it common?

Hello all! Just realizing my ex-boyfriend was a Narcissist and I went through extreme verbal, emotional, physical, and sexual abuse from him. He made me believe it was a serious relationship but I gradually realized I was nothing more than his "whore" on the side. He told me he was into BDSM and that he is a Dom very early in our relationship and wanted me to play out his fantasies. I'd never tried it but was open, but it turned out he knew nothing about real BDSM and it was just an excuse for him to be verbally physically and sexually abusive to me. He didn't even know what a safe word was and didn't care if I was in pain or if I was saying no. He basically raped me for most of our sexual relationship. He made me do whatever he wanted. I could never say no, and if I was in pain he just said "shut up bitch" or "I don't care." Is this a common feature among NPDs? He is most definitely a Somatic Narcissist. The majority of his time is spent on women, he is always working his harem, constantly texting and calling various girlfriend, FWB, booty calls, ex-girlfriends, etc. He uses these women for whatever he needs in life, sex, money, food, place to stay, status items, jobs, etc.

The whole time we were together he was pursuing his ex-girlfriend who had left him. Telling me he loves me than sneaking over to her house and cheating on me with her, etc. Even though I had the girlfriend title I think I was his "whore" and his ex-girlfriend was the good woman, the Madonna. He called me names like "slut" "whore" "bitch", totally debased me, got off on causing me pain and humiliation during sex. Most of our sex was fetish stuff, with him completely dominating me. He told me he owned me, asked me to tattoo his name on him (I didn't thank god), told me I would never get away from him, that I was his slut for life, etc.

But what is interesting is I don't think he did this at all with his ex-girlfriend! When she and I found out about each other we talked for a long time, comparing notes about him. I tried to ask her in a subtle way if he was that way with her too, but she didn't seem to know anything about that. So I assume their sex life was vanilla. She was his "Madonna" and I was clearly the whore. This is common among Narcissists too, with the Madonna/Whore complex? They have what they perceive as a good woman who is the wife role, and then whores on the side to satisfy his sexual needs. The two can never be combined in the same woman?

Its still sinking in how badly he treated me and I can't believe I still have feelings for him. I'm still obsessed with him though I'd never take him back. He caused me too much harm and damage. He was still contacting me for 7 months after we broke up, telling me he owns me for life, asking me to name my children after him, kept trying to get me to meet him for sex, threatening my new boyfriend. I finally put an end to our communication though. I don't want to be another member of his harem.

So I'm just trying to get some feedback from others who may know a lot about Narcissism! I know some about the disorder but just starting to read up more on it. Does he sound like a Narcissist? And is sexual abuse, "BDSM" sex and this Madonna/Whore complex common among narcissists? Thank you!

He sounds like a real creep, and this is coming from a diagnosed narcissist. To me, he doesn't sound NPD, but maybe ASPD. I don't like to diagnose people though. I only consider someone to have any disorder or PD until they're officially diagnosed by a therapist.
I'm not so sure about BDSM, but I personally don't get as much out of vanilla sex. The idea of having sex in front of others or in a place where we may get caught, or being on drugs or highly intoxicated, being "bad" I guess, is much more exciting to me. It isn't that I don't enjoy having sex at home, but it doesn't excite me as much and I don't usually initiate sex at home because the situation is boring to me. Sometimes I imagine that my fiancé is someone random because it's a turn on to me also.
I may get slightly verbally abusive when my fiancé doesn't want to give me the exciting sex that I want, as I do most times I don't get my way.

OP,

As you know from my thread on the subject on which you commented earlier, I have tons of hangups about sex and BDSM is one of them. Vanilla sex just doesn't turn me on. A specific area of BDSM turns me on, but I won't get into the details publicly, let's just say I have a specific fetish that involves bondage. I actually prefer to me the sub in this scenario and most of the porn I watch involves this fetish with the woman as the domme. I don't think I've ever watched vanilla porn in my life. Watching naked people have sex seems bestial to me. Like I'm watching animals doing it or something.

It's very common for Narcissists to devalue the sex act. Any animal can have sex, so there is nothing about sex itself that makes the Narcissist special. Of course a Narcissist still has needs just like anyone else and will often use their partner as basically a lifeless doll during sex, almost like they're using their partner to masturbate. The partner ought not even be there in this case. The other reason that Nons have sex, to be close to someone they love, is clearly not something a Narcissist uses sex for, because a Narcissist doesn't truly love anyone else. So sex is used by the Narcissist for supply.

How does a Narc use sex to get supply? In lots of ways. Having sex with a lot of women makes a man into a "stud" in our culture, it increases his level of respect that he gets from other men. So a somatic Narc will try to have a lot of partners if he's a man. I'm more cerebral, but my fantasies involve having sex with women who work with me, underlings, bosses, women who are either inappropriately young for me or old for me, and women who have a partner or are married. In all of these cases, I am using sexuality for supply, because this sort of deviant sex shows that I am able to get a woman to break the "rules" of life in order to have sex with me. It also shows that the rules don't apply to me. This makes me special. It means that I'm not ordinary or common. The sex becomes about the supply, not the sex itself, see? Intellectually I know to feel this way is absurd, but the NPD inside of me won't allow me to feel any other way.

Wow, that is quite a horrible experience that you have gone through, and I am so sorry you had to go through that. I'd like to start by saying that you should not blame yourself for the way he treated you, as the description you gave of him definitely qualifies as a Madonna-Whore complex. You seem quite educated on what this is, but in simple terms, this man is incapable of mixing love and affection with sex. Such a man will date someone with qualities of his mother, hoping to fulfill a need for intimacy that was unmet in childhood. The "wife" begins to be seen as "mother" to the husband—a "Madonna" figure—and thus not a possible object of sexual attraction. He literally convinces himself that sexual feelings towards his Madonna qualifies as incest. He than needs a sexual outlet. He will reserve sexuality for women that he sees as "bad" or "dirty", and will not develop "normal" feelings of love in these sexual relationships.

Men like this also have a lot of hatred towards women. You did not deserve to be his outlet for these frustrations, but understanding how this mans mind works may help you to understand better how to heal the things that you have endured. You should know that this man has serious mental problems, And i think it is safe to assume that he has NPD, among other things. Although i do not believe that NPD is the cause of his fetishes and actions, i do believe it intensifies and fuels his complex/ fantasies. It sounds like a lot of his actions go side by side with the symptoms of NPD, such as lack of empathy, entitlement, being treated and viewed as superior and powerful, etc.

Also know that the abuse you went through was not personally caused by you, who you are, or anything you've done. He would and will direct these frustrations on any young lady that would be caught in his web. You are a beautiful person to be able to love and care for someone such as him. He will never be deserving of that mercy, and i do hope that you see and know that. The good news is that you do have all the power in this situation now, and you do have the choice to walk away with your head held high, knowing that you made the best decision for yourself, because what you want and how you feel truly does matter.

Thank you so much for the answers! lolidk and VirginiaEsquire thank you, its interesting to get a perspective from other Narcs. To be honest both of you seem a lot nicer than my ex. I think he has a Sadistic streak that is not necessarily a Narc trait. I guess Narcs do not necessarily have that violent streak or that sadistic streak. Its probably some other comorbid disorder. Though I understand Virginia you said you are a cerebral narc, and the role of sex can be very different for a somatic narc I think, especially my ex who used sex and women as his main form of Narc Supply, as he didn't really have any other goals or accomplishments besides conquering women and making them his slaves.

So it sounds like you both enjoy kinky sex more than vanilla sex as well. Do you find its hard to be sexually satisfied by the woman you are in love with, i.e. the woman you see as your wife or the mother of your children? Or as long as she is willing to be kinky, to do it in public places or indulge your BDSM fantasies, you are able to be satisfied with her even in a serious monogamous long-term relationship? I don't think my ex had that ability, that's why he was such a compulsive cheater.

Coocooclam Wow, thanks so much for that answer! It really helps a lot and made me feel so much better!!!!!

Yes, it was a pretty horrific experience and as I'm getting more distance and perspective its sinking in just how horrific it was. When I was involved in it I was always making excuses for him, blaming myself, and definitely not seeing the situation for how it was. Thanks for telling me that it wasn't my fault, that it wasn't anything I did or because of who I am that caused him to mistreat me like that. It took me a long time to realize that, I kept thinking I must be inadequate or something was wrong with me to cause him to do that to me. But I'm gradually realizing he is a sick, mentally disordered person, probably has some serious mental health issues, NPD as well as probably APD or maybe Sadistic Personality Disorder.

Thank you for backing up my thoughts about the Madonna/Whore complex too. Its also helps me to realize he had this problem, and it wasn't my fault he couldn't see me as anything other than a dirty whore to be used. He projected all kinds of things on me that weren't true at all. It was so confusing because I assumed those things must be true for him to accuse me of them, or to believ them about me, but they weren't. They were projections.

Whats funny is I'm not the slutty type at all, I'm actually more the sweet innocent girl next door type. Guys are always telling me I seem so innocent. But for some reason he pegged me as a slut, the dirty whore type. On the other hand, his ex who is his "Madonna" is actually very trashy looking and acting to me, the type of person to take photos of herself sticking her tongue ring out and drinking vodka alone and then posting those pics on social sites all over the Internet trying to get attention. Just dirty and classless. To me she is clearly an attention whore with no class or dignity, but if I tried to say anything against her he would jump to her defense and make out like she's some saint. Its like he just couldn't see or accept reality. He can only see his version or what he wants to believe. I need to stop taking it personally, to stop thinking it was something about me or something I did wrong. Its about him.

Also I saw him comment on a photo of her on Facebook and he said "Muahhh my Mom" so that even solidifies it for me even more, that he saw her as a Motber figure, and I can see how that can get in the way of sexual feelings. It could feel incestuous, and cause someone to want a nonmother figure sexual outlet on the side. I guess that was me, among others I'm sure.

Anyways, I'm just mostly talking to myself at this point. Its a lot to process and I'm still processing it. I had a very abusive childhood too and my father has a lot of Narcissistic traits (though not clinical I don't think), I think that's why I was attracted to another situation like this and got myself into an abusive relationship with a Narc.

Thanks again! I'll reread your advice whenever I'm feeling down about it. It really helped! Thanks again and thanks to the others who took the time to read my question and respond!

justagirl00 wrote: his ex who is his "Madonna" is actually very trashy looking and acting to me, the type of person to take photos of herself sticking her tongue ring out and drinking vodka alone and then posting those pics ... I saw him comment on a photo of her on Facebook and he said "Muahhh my Mom" ...

Nasty!!

Ew. Ew. Ew.

Serious issues there...

justagirl00 wrote:Thank you so much for the answers! lolidk and VirginiaEsquire thank you, its interesting to get a perspective from other Narcs. To be honest both of you seem a lot nicer than my ex. I think he has a Sadistic streak that is not necessarily a Narc trait. I guess Narcs do not necessarily have that violent streak or that sadistic streak. Its probably some other comorbid disorder. Though I understand Virginia you said you are a cerebral narc, and the role of sex can be very different for a somatic narc I think, especially my ex who used sex and women as his main form of Narc Supply, as he didn't really have any other goals or accomplishments besides conquering women and making them his slaves.

So it sounds like you both enjoy kinky sex more than vanilla sex as well. Do you find its hard to be sexually satisfied by the woman you are in love with, i.e. the woman you see as your wife or the mother of your children? Or as long as she is willing to be kinky, to do it in public places or indulge your BDSM fantasies, you are able to be satisfied with her even in a serious monogamous long-term relationship? I don't think my ex had that ability, that's why he was such a compulsive cheater.

I'm actually female, lol. No hard feelings though. I do get satisfaction/supply from being with the same person, though at times I find it exciting to imagine that I'm with someone else. I don't seem to get bored with having sex with my fiancé, just having vanilla sex at home. I don't really like romantic/intimate sex much either. I'd rather it be more detached. I like it that way.

Sorry about that lolidk. lol. Thank you for clarifying. That does make sense. I don't know if women can have the Madonna/Whore complex. Maybe that's why you can be satisfied by one person, your fiance, whereas maybe Narc men have more trouble in that area, if they have that Madonna/Whore complex.

Thank you for the feedback!

And I agree with BlueFlower! Yes, nasty!!!!

justagirl00 wrote:Sorry about that lolidk. lol. Thank you for clarifying. That does make sense. I don't know if women can have the Madonna/Whore complex. Maybe that's why you can be satisfied by one person, your fiance, whereas maybe Narc men have more trouble in that area, if they have that Madonna/Whore complex.

Thank you for the feedback!

And I agree with BlueFlower! Yes, nasty!!!!

I should have also added, my fiancé is the only person I've been with and not cheated on. It hasn't ever been a Madonna/Whore thing like you're talking about though. I just didn't have any feelings for anyone before, and I liked getting supply from a lot of guys. Just knowing I could cheat and get away with it was fun for me.