Hey. My name is Rei. This post could be extremely triggering.
Look I'm gonna cut to the chase on this; I want to be sick. I would give anything to contract a serious illness. Even a crippling one. Even a terminal one. If I were to notice symptoms of something serious, I would keep as quiet as possible until it's so bad I have to be hospitalized. I have dreams and fantasies of walking out to the train tracks and severing a leg. I'd be in physical therapy for months. Bonus points for infection.
I don't know what to do with this. I have severe anxiety and depression, as well as OCD and other numerous diagnoses. I see a therapist 2-3 times per week. Honestly I also think I'm passively suicidal. I pretty much know I'm passively suicidal. I struggle in school, with my friends, my family is a shitstorm. I'm going downhill and now I'm revisited by my time in the hospital. I didn't want to leave. My family put aside their strife to visit me. Friends talked to me for the first time in weeks. Schoolwork was waived. I enjoyed the pain and the sickness. It felt good to feel bad. I wouldn't lie to a doctor, but I'd take any excuse to see one.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to talk about this. Anyone here who's been treated for munchausens? Any advice, words of encouragement.... anything? What helped you though hospital cravings?