I need help, I feel too strange

I don't know whats wrong with me. I'm getting really depressed. Everyday I seem to be going further down this hole. I'm not 'tired,lazy' depressed, where its a physical disability, but more of a just in my head depression. I'm so apathetic, hopeless etc. My life is literally pointless and it seems like its painful just to breathe. I don't see the point in anything, it just feels wrong.

I've been having this like... itching all over. This repulsion to being here. I keep thinking about various ways to kill myself but.. its wrong. I don't want to kill myself! I really don't. But this urge is still there. Its this strange zoned out feeling and I just want to get away and it feels like my body just physically wants me to give up. Its so hard to explain. Its just this all-consuming feeling of wanting it all to end. Just because theres no point to any of this. My life isn't going to go anywhere, theres no... point! There is literally no point to it. Living is just full of anxiety and fear and the things that used to give me enjoyment don't do anything for me. They just turned into compulsions but don't actually 'give' me anything.

I've tried to talk to my family about my increasing anxiety and depression but its just awkward. I know they don't feel right talking about this stuff. My mom is the closest person I can talk to but whenever I start using words like 'pointless' and 'hopeless' she gives me this look and she like accuses me 'you're not going to kill yourself, are you??' I'm afraid to say that I may be having trouble with suicidal thoughts. She just says, "DON'T think about that! Don't ever think about killing yourself! Its just childish and never that bad". Etc. My mom is the nicest person to me, we are super close so don't think she's horrible, but she just doesn't understand this, and she doesn't understand that her reactions make me not want to tell her that I feel like I want to die.

I'm so confused and depersonalized right now. I need help but I just don't know what to do. I'm on an anti-depressant, Celexa, I've been on it since December but I'm not sure if its helping or not, or maybe its causing me to feel this way. I can't tell. My mom was supposed to make me an appointment with a psychologist but I'm not sure when she's going to make it because there is a lot of other crap going on and she is really stressed out.

These feelings are scaring me but it just won't go away. I'm just physically itching to kill myself and I don't understand.

Hi Homersxchild.
I just wanted to tell you I know exactly what your talking about, and that you are not alone. When things started getting really bad for me, the initial thoughts of wanting to end it all started to creep in. After a while, the thought of suicide almost (so to say) became an obsession. I would fantasize about it often. Then the day came where I put my thoughts into action. I had planned out to perfection what I was going to do and was sure it would be fool proof. I jumped off a 4 story building - and after a week in a coma, close to 20 broken bones, and 5months of lying flat on my back in a hospital bed... the plan I thought would free me, failed. I regret my decision everyday, for now I live with physical disabilties that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life.

Sometimes we feel so desperate for the "pain" to end, that we think suicide must be the only answer. Even the best of plans can fail, and sometimes life becomes even harder if it does. Your mum sounds like a lovely lady and she obviously loves you dearly. It would devastate her to lose you, and perhaps you can use your mum as part of your strength to carry on. I know it's hard when you feel like you have no one to help carry the burden, but coming to this forum to express yourself is a great option. I hope my own story can maybe make you think of suicide in a different light, and I'm here to tell you, there is hope.

Stay strong ((((hugs))))

Did you have suicidal thoughts before the Celexa?

If you're feeling this bad, it's time to put yourself first. FORCE your mother (if you're underage) to make an appointment as soon as possible. If that doesn't work, go to a school nurse, councellor, call a children's help line, etc.

Hopeful_Spirit : Wow, I'm so sorry that you're suicide attempt went so wrong that now you are living with difficulties. I mean, I'm glad that you are still here. I don't really think too much about suicide attempts going wrong and not working. I've never felt the urge to kill myself in a violent way. I get thoughts of just downing a bunch of pills, or bleeding out. I always use the term 'I just want to jump in front of a truck' when I talk about killing myself but I don't think I'd ever do something like that that involved the public. I wouldn't want to traumatize anyone.

But then again, either way, I'd be destroying my mother. She really is the only thing that is holding me back. I don't want to hurt her, at all, ever. I can't bear the thought of it. So basically... I guess that's a good thing. But it feels like I'm chained in this existence because of it. I can't live and I can't die. So where am I? I guess thats why my skin itches, heh.

iamarock: No, I didn't really have thoughts this persistent before the Celexa. I was pretty depressed back then and I would have night episodes of just pure hopelessness and despair, and those were pretty bad. I got the medication mostly for anxiety help though. Now, a couple months in, I don't have those episodes of despair anymore, but I do have this lingering feeling of depression and disgust at life. It's strange. I thought you were only supposed to have the risk of suicidal thoughts in the first few weeks of taking the medication? I'm a couple months in. I don't know. It makes me think, what if its not the meds but just me, and then if I stop the meds and it gets worse?

Philo: I'm not underage, I'm 19, but one of my problems is severe social phobia. So unfortunately I still need to rely on my mother to do all the interaction and setting up for me. I'll try to bring it up again tonight and that she should make an appointment tonight or tomorrow.

So.. I'm running out on my Celexa with no refills left, I'm going to have to go to my GP again for any refills. What should I say to him? I'm not sure how you determine whether or not its the medication doing it or not.

Homersxchild,
Unfortunately yes, my attempt was within the public, but no matter what suicide method you might be thinking of, I guarantee it will traumatize people. You said you never felt the urge to hurt yourself in a violent way, but aren't all methods violent? Sometimes also we tend to think of when we die as being a peaceful or painless death, but 99% of the time that isn't the case, and like I said earlier there is always the possibility of "what will my life be like if it doesn't work?" I understand why your "skin itches" but if living is not an option at the moment, and I hope death will not be an option, then the only option you have is to fight like hell until you can make living a good thing, and death a distant memory. I know it's hard and the road to feeling good might be a long one, but you can get there if you really want it badly enough. I know you can do it, because if your thinking of suicide then ultimately your wanting the pain to end. So keep on fighting for what you so desperately seek, no matter how hard it can be, until you reach your goal. And I know you can get there

Stay strong and never give up xox

I know, you're right. No matter what I do, its traumatizing and violent. I don't even want to do it at all. Like you said, I just want the pain to go away and this empty abyss within me to fade away. I don't want to die, just want this to go away.

And so.. I took a big leap and told my mom more seriously about my thoughts. I told her that I seriously was having problems seeing life as fulfilling or joyful. That everything that happens, no matter how big or small, I regard as pointless. My thought pattern was pretty much, theres no hope for the future because its all pointless. Every dream I had is pointless. Eating is pointless. Breathing is pointless. Everything is pointless. I look at the world and all the crap out there and see the pointlessness of it all. We're all going to die anyway and theres no meaning to living, so why not just go to sleep forever? That's basically my thought pattern. I also told her that I have suicidal musings sometimes. Like a couple days ago when I was lying on my bed, my stepsister putting on her makeup and gabbing away about pointless stuff, I looked at my pills and thought 'what if I just downed them all right now?'

Its really strange how theres this battle going on in my mind. Part of me sees nothing in everything and has this itch to just stop it all. But then I still have this rational part of my mind that tells me that I shouldn't be feeling this way and I really don't want to die.

So, I really freaked out my mom but she was understanding. Told me that I should always tell her everything that I'm thinking etc. She's really looking up psychs now. And she thinks I should back off of the anti-depressant in case thats messing with my thinking.

I'm really proud of you for talking to your mom. That must have taken alot of courage

I understand what your describing as your thinking patterns - I used to be very much the same. The only way I could explain it was to say it was almost like there was a different person inside of me that wasn't me anymore. I used to think "where the hell are these thoughts coming from? Why am I thinking these things? These arent my thoughts." It felt like I had turned into something else and the "me" that I once knew, no longer existed. But then like you said, there's the rational part of your mind. That's the part I always knew was the real me trying to come back out. The real you is in there, somewhere within this other madness. Those good thoughts, the rational ones, however un-often they come about, is the proof that theres a good person inside you. The person who knows in their heart whats right. That is the real you fighting.

When these dark thoughts and feelings are what your often feeling, sometimes we start to think that it is our identity. That it's who we are. But always try to remember that these thoughts are not your own - that is the illness, not "you". And "you" is definately worth fighting for xox

Couldn't have put it better myself, Hopeful_Spirit.

Definitely look into other recovery methods, writing, walking of an evening, meditation, more natural diet, etc. If these thoughts really didn't come along this persistent until the Celexa, I really would suggest you stop taking it.

Good luck.