Our partner

HELP.im hopeless

Open Discussions about how Mental Illness affects your life.

Moderators: Otter, quietgirl2538

*****PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE POSTING HERE*****

When posting on Psychforums.com please try to pick the forum you think best fits your post. If your post would fit in a specialized forum (there are more than 100 forums here) then please post there rather than in the "Living With Mental Illness" forum. Thank you for your cooperation in this matter. Moderators could move your thread without notice if they feel it is fitting better into another forum.

The Mod Team

HELP.im hopeless

Postby idkwhattodo » Sun Sep 10, 2017 7:37 am

pffff where do I even start? I'm a female and don't know what to do with my life anymore. This is rather personal but none of my family members seem to understand the severity and therapy is so bloody expensive.So I come from a really dysfunctional family, my grandparents from both sides are divorced ( most already passed away), and surprise surprise, my parents separated around 3 years ago. thank god. My mom lives with my younger brother Far far away, so the only person related to me who lives in the same continent as me is my dad.

ever since I was a baby, I was always stressed out. I guess when I was in my moms womb I could sense the tension between my parents, they fought a lot. I was a mistake. Growing up, things were pretty #######5. My family spoke English, but I went to a local Chinese school, so school pressure was a lot to handle. at the age of 6, we already had exams and tests to worry about.In primary school we were already worrying about which secondary school and university to go to. But whatever I tried Andy grades are currently decent. My mom's a bit crazy, sorry, but she and my dad fought so much, every single f*cking day.physical and verbal.in front of me and my brother.

we cried a lot. My mom has a weird obsession with looking up personality disorders, she would spend hours surfing the internet about disorders, just so she can criticise my dad and pinpoint every mistake he made, 24/7 , even until now, whenever I visit her or facetime her.She would scream and cry about how my dad doesn't pay for her living expenses, even though I'm pretty sure he does, but she couldn't figure out how to access the money. My mom would always smack me and my brother , especially me, because I'm very defensive, sometimes I argue with her and defend my father (I'm in the debate team lol) sometimes I get bad grades, she'd smack and kick and pinch the $#%^ outa me and pull mohair and stuff. but whatever, she's a tiger mom, domestic violence is considered as normal I guess. But the physical part isn't as painful as the way she insulted me, like calling me evil bitch, I should go to hell, I should die, the list goes on.

whatever.she would cry a lot. sticks and stones may break my bones but words, will kill me. ( my dad also occasionally did that, not as aggressive , usually only get mad when we break stuff.) I remember once my mom threatened that she was going to jump out of our 12 floor apartment, we were really young and traumatised.I remember once my parents fought so hard that my dad left to sleep at his office. My dad also had a drinking problem before. Though I consider myself privileged that I have a roof over my head. Still I often thought about suicide. I never self harmed, looks too painful. But I've contemplated jumping many times, sleeping pills too. But overtime I. tried to,I though of my lovely lizard, and my best friend (who seldom spends time Wirth me because she's so busy)after they separated, id say things were improving. my grades were suffering in my previous school ,I was so depressed, so I moved to my current school ( which I like).

At first, there was some cyberbullying going on, but it's fine now.however I was pretty depressed because it takes time to get over everything right? one time my grandma visited, and I forgot what exactly happened, but I think my helper misplaced something and my dad accused me of it and stuff. I got angry because he was shouting at me even though I was innocent. It ended up in an argument. my grandma took my dad's side and they were yelling at me. I was curled up on the couch and I was so scared. I started crying, and had a full blown panic attack ( my first ever serious one) I couldn't breathe, I was hyperventilating , my chest was so painful, I felt hot and I couldn't move, I was frozen there and felt as if something was pushing me down., they continued laughing at me, thinking I'm some stupid dramatic bitch. I fianally rushed into my room and texted my mom, she also didn't really believe me and just used that as another excuse to judge my dad. sometimes my parents say they love me, but I don't believe it.

I was a mistake.after that came my anorexia, lasted for about Half a year. nobody really cared.exept my teacher.i recovered by myself, even though till this day I still binge eat.right after that my dad got a new girlfriend. god. right when I needed the most love and support from my only parent, he had to devote everything to her. he was stingy when it comes to me, but for her he is willing to spend a lot of cash. He leaves at like 5 am, comes back at 8 pm, and leaves at like 8;30,9 pm to meet her. comes back at midnight or something. he spends more time with his gf than with his daughter. he also has iron man training with her, so he leaves basically 24/7. we used to have our own little adventures together, but now he's gone and I'm alone.

I was so depressed last night because he screamed at me for jokingly saying I won't bring him dry clothes when it was raining that night. I cried and went to my room , contemplated suicide but my friend freaked out. and said she would come over. I locked myself in my room, the next morning and dad forced me to come out, he said we would go for breakfast together , I though it was like the" good" old days , when we went out together, but turns out he lied, we were meeting his girlfriend ( I met her several times before ), I was upset because I barely spent any time with him alone, going there meant I was to sit alone on the bench while him and his gf, and swim team swim off to the open waters without me.

I cried again cuz you know, Im a sensitive piece of sh*t. his girlfriend was all like " I don't want my Sunday to be miserable because of you, why are you so miserable, I do so much for you (no, my dad does so much for u)" that got me really pissed because she doesn't know my story. if she really cared about me she would tell my dad to go spend some time with me, or at least hire a therapist because I still contemplate suicide( my dad probs doesn't give a crap, or doesn't believe me) anyway when we were there she was hesitant to let me look after her dog because she was scared I would do something " dangerous" to the dog.

I took care of it. at lunch she came over to my table, started questioning why I was so miserable, and asked me is it because my mom beat me all the time and stuff, I got really triggered again and balled my eyes out. she yelled at me said I don't want her to be with my dad, and that I hate her, my dad came and she told him that, even though I literally didn't say anything. my dad got so mad and took her side, I kept trying to explain to him the truth. she stormed off and said its too much for her to handle, that she can't deal with these crazy people. my dad got so mad and yelled at me. I got a panic attack. I couldn't breathe, I wanted to puke.

he said I ruined his relationship, and that I ruin every relationship. maybe even the divorce was because of me? idk. I'm generally a pretty pessimistic person, I tend to see the negative side of things and. I'm always paranoid, I have anxiety and its hard for me to trust people, since my mom just ran off with my brother. maybe I really do have a personality disorder and maybe I do really ruin everyone.My relationships seem to be fine with my school mates. idk,im so hopeless, I just want my dad to be happy, but at the same time I don't want to be depressed. my dad probably expects me to sacrifice my time and happiness for him, since he's unwilling to compromise. I really hope someone can give me some advice, please I'm desperate, I cry too often and if I list all the bad experiences, it would take me a year cowrite. thank your reading till the very end :(
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Sun Sep 10, 2017 10:15 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Reason: edited title and privacy edit; and sent PM
idkwhattodo
Consumer 0
Consumer 0
 
Posts: 1
Joined: Sun Sep 10, 2017 6:33 am
Local time: Thu Sep 21, 2017 9:40 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


ADVERTISEMENT

Re: HELP.im hopeless

Postby delonix » Mon Sep 11, 2017 9:24 am

I am a mental disorder freak too and keep browsing the net to know more and more about personality disorders. Whatever personality disorders your people may have, I am convinced YOU at least have none. So cheer up and look forward to a bright future. :D
delonix
Consumer 1
Consumer 1
 
Posts: 21
Joined: Tue Jul 11, 2017 10:33 pm
Local time: Thu Sep 21, 2017 7:10 am
Blog: View Blog (0)


Return to Living With Mental Illness Forum




  • Related articles
    Replies
    Views
    Last post

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: ConfusedAndAfraidGuy and 104 guests

cron