New user. Not sure where else to go. Paranoia.

Hi,

Brief disclaimer. Anything that looks like an attempt to false appear attention-seeking or mentally ill is not. I'm just talking. I don't know what else to do. Sorry for the lack of helpful details.



I never thought I'd be anywhere saying anything to people about my issues, because I've never really thought that I have any sort of illness and I don't want to take up time that other people who do have illnesses need. Plus I don't trust anybody with information as a policy. But, I don't know what else to do. So I'll post this in case just the expression to someone else will shake me enough to get my life in order. It'll probably scare me enough to do just that once I'm more clear-headed.

Basically, I share a place with my mother, for a number of reasons that amount to a combination of nobody's fault, and my fault for making a huge truckload of wrong choices. My mother puts up with me because she feels sorry for me. But that's running out, if it's not already gone.

What brings me here is that, after one of hundreds of arguments we've had, we both agreed our relationship is over. We agreed on that after I said some terrible things to her, and told her she's not my family anymore. Because I was convinced she just uses me for physical work and that she lies and pretends she loves me when it's convenient. Part of me thinks that's true as I sit here. Part of me thinks I'm a terrible person who should no better than that. I don't know.

Anyway, my problem, be it illness or be it me just looking for excuses to be a spoiled brat, as my mother used to say before she apologized and said she didn't mean it. Regardless, I'm massively paranoid, and it's ruining my life, and breaking my mother's heart. She told me it is. I won't listen. Because I don't trust her when she says I'm paranoid. Anyway, finally maybe enough rambling.

Everytime people look at me. Everytime people message me in text. Every time I read a news article, I think everyone's lying to me, or that they know what a terrible person I am, but are too polite to tell me. I analyze everything in my eyes and ears like I'm a detective, and I think people are listening in on me. Just recently fought off the fear that my dad had bugged the house, telling myself it's silly because he's been gone for years. Along with the fact that he always tried not to alienate me. So he's not going to do anything that points back to him so easily. Because he wanted me on his side against my mother. Would never stop whispering in my ear. Wouldn't stop with that kinda thing, acting like my buddy, until I called the cops on him. But now it's been several years, and I can't give my mother anything she needs, because I don't trust her. I sometimes hate her for things I don't have evidence she did, and just wish I could walk out of the house and never see anything again. She made mistakes in life, but we all do. She doesn't need my $#%^.

So here I am, stopping short of doing that because I know she loves me and that would hurt her. But I don't really know much of what's real anymore. I don't trust much of anyone. I think the good people would hate me if they only knew me. I think the bad people are around every corner, practically taunting me with their propaganda. Anybody who turns on the news or listens to either US political party will know how easy it is to think that way. All I want to do is let magic be real for a few seconds, long enough to climb through my monitor and be with Buffy and the Scoobies. Because they warm my heart more than just about anything in the real world does anymore. I hate almost everything in life so terribly bad, but I can't justify it. I just do. The world is complicated. people doesn't deserve of me to hate them, because they suffer too. Worse than I do. They try to make it, and they don't complain. But I can't seem to manage to trust anything or anyone.

I try. My dad told me my mother brainwashed me. My mother told me my dad brainwashed me. She's been convinced before that I pretend to have problems as an excuse to not be moral. I'm not convinced of that yet. I think I believe my mother about the brainwashing thing but I don't know. I've never had any friends or anyone I knew besides my parents, The few relatives who sometimes saw me have never known about my paranoia or really anything about me. I've never been to any school. the plan was home school, but my mother never had what she needed to do that. She tried. And did very well despite that.

Everything is like a fog. It's all theory and ideas, because I don't really know anybody. My mother tried to help me, but I wouldn't let her in. Now our relationship is probably over, except for sharing a living space until we have money to do otherwise.

I just have my own head, with it's resident voices (not crazy person voices. Internal dialogue) screaming at the top of their proverbial lungs one minute, and telling me I only have the voices to have an excuse to say I'm crazy the next. I'm not crazy. I'm full of excuses and bad jokes. Scapegoats and warn out rhetoric. But the thing is, all that stuff is ruining my life and I don't see a future anymore.

I don't yet have the mindset for suicide, because I keep hoping things will change. That I will change. And also because I will miss Buffy, and the Charmed witches, and the gang from Brooklyn 99. I love them all so much. I don't want all that to end just yet.

So I'm posting this here, while knowing it likely doesn't make much sense to anyone not resident between my ears. Because I want to be a good person, and, as much as I probably deserve to hurt the rest of my life, I'm tired of hurting. I'm so tired.

Please know if you've even read this thing I appreciate it more than you'll know. I just want to exist as more than a bad joke and tired rhetoric. I know I'm not crazy, and I want others to know I'm not either. But I want somebody to know I exist. For now. the only other person who really matters now probably hats me. My mother. So I'm left talking to digital space.

I know everyone who reads this suffers and has pain. I'm sorry. I don't want to add to it by taking up airtime. I just know my life is empty, and I don't know what else to do. I guess I'm lucky I have the internet.

Cheers.

You poor thing! You are suffering and no, you do NOT deserve to suffer. You need to sort this all out so you can navigate the difficult parts more efficiently. A counselor is a great way to do that or you could read about family dysfunction in general to educate yourself on what is healthy and what isn't. For example, your parents telliing you the other parent brainwashed you is horrible and that could be exactly what has caused your paranoid thinking. Once you can pinpoint the source you can sift through it all and make a plan. You need to avoid the bad and reach out to the good . Get started! Take control of your ship. Good luck and take care of yourself.