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Newly aware illness and relationship issues.

Postby Murphs19 » Sat Jul 15, 2017 2:21 am

This is going to be quite the lengthy amount of issues.

I guess i will start off stating I finally found out I am schizophrenic sociopath. I also had episodes where I blocked out events that I've recently come to vaguely remember.

They were very serious and I will get to them, but first I will also add that all the episodes and memories are from a year ago. I had recently figured out that I have been administered antipsychotics, antidepressants and mood stabilizers secretly. I have side effects such as, blurred vision, muscle spasms and tremors, weight gain, stomach pain, constipation, diarreah and more.

I was always a substance abuser and was heavily into drinking and cocaine, I've come to realize during the past year it was not cocaine I was snorting, just medication.

Every time me and my fiancé would hang out alone or with friends, they would be speaking in a manner that was always talking about someone else, but in reality with was always pertaining to me. It was a way they could reach and make me understand. They brought up experiences that I had from my past, such as bringing up very explicit details. I was young and searched very disgusting things, that I am very ashamed and embarrassed about. They brought up each thing I searched, with detail of the scenarios I remember.

Over the course of the year, I had gotten into very bad fights with my fiancé which led me to sleep in the spare room. I have these memories such as, walking in on her and a guy friend she had since we knew each other. Will also add we are in an open relationship (more so she sleeps with other men, as long as I am present). Well I remember walking in and they were stunned and immediately got up, I said "I always knew you guys had a secret love!" Looked at the guy and said "How could you do this!? What have I done to you?" He didn't say word, avoided eye contact and because my fiancé told him to be quiet. I was walking around aimlessly and they were very nervous, I kept assuring them I was not going to hurt them. I kept saying, why is this happening. Then my fiancé said "Because you are mentally ill" I kept saying no this can't be happening, over and over, "I can't be, you're lying!" Then I remember clear as day her saying "You are ######6 crazy!" while pointing to her head. She asked for me to pass her robe, since she was scared to come near me, and I did. Then she asked "Are you hungry, would you like me to make you something to eat?" Then I replied "Oh my god! is that how you control my daze! Thats my trigger! I know it, then I sat on the bed and said I am staying here until I will remember.

Morning comes, forget everything, relive my loop. Past few months, I've come to realize that he's been living at our home. In some secret room Im completely oblivious to. I know it sounds so far fetched, but I am legit positive about all of this.

I have now been visiting a therapist, and also in the process of getting tested. Now I am at a position where Ive been addressing all these issues to my fiance, but she just denies and says I'm delusional. I am not able to take being lied to any longer. Which made me get to the point Id rather be alone, than hear her fooling around constantly. I have isolated myself and am unsure if this was the best decision.

I am scared to go in public, since everyone in the city knows I'm a schizo, a killer and on top of all that I have a foul odour from the medication Ive been receiving.

Theres no choice for me, besides move out of the city, far far away and just get a dog as a companion.
Or admit myself into a psych ward.
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Mon Jul 17, 2017 12:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: put curse word through swear filter
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