Super stressed out feel like everything is crashing

Hi all. So, my whole life I have been pretty much a people pleaser type of person. I have a stable job, good relationship with friends and family, some hobbies, and engaged to a wonderful girl. I just turned 30 recently, and I started reflecting on my life.

My career is in a stable field but it is not what I am passionate in. I took the job for a good paycheck but I'd much rather be doing something else. Not to sound like an entitled millennial lol, but I wish I could do something I am passionate about. I actually wanted to go into a different field but did not after advice from family.

My relationship with my fiancé has been great. She gave me an ultimatum to propose after three years and I did out of pressure. I honestly would never have pulled the trigger without some pressure from her and did not want to lose her. But now the big day is approaching and I feel like I am losing my mind. I am drinking a lot and just having anxiety all day every day. Even when we moved in I was not sure and just did it to avoid conflict.

I sort of feel like everything in my life I have done to make other people happy or pleased. I have such a hard time delivering bad news to people it is almost impossible for me to do. I do not know why I am like this.

Growing up as a kid, I would make multiple plans with whomever asked and would get screwed because obviously I couldn't be in three places at once, and I ended up hurting people by not being direct.

I love my fiancé but I don't know why I cannot get myself to do anything planning wise, and invitations are not even sent out yet and the wedding is 8 weeks away. How can I feel so unsure if I love her? I can't even bear the embarrassment with my family if we postponed, and I cannot bear to lose such an amazing person.

I just feel super stressed and reflecting back on my life I feel I have always done what was "expected" of me to do. Thanks for any help

Hi CHILLEDGUY,

You are definitely not alone in this. People want to fit in and have friends around them since being a loner sucks. I can tell from personal experience that loners have many challenges in their lives. As for being adults, we all hit a stage where we question what we've done so far. I, like you, was doing things expected of me. Ironically, things hadn't worked out and my life is changing course.

All I can say is discover who you are. You have likely, after trying to please everyone, became the person others want to see in you. You have rejected the real you who is now hidden deep inside of you, his voice silenced for a very long time. At these times, I recommend you revisit your past. Go back to times when things were simpler and you had big dreams, particularly moments when others told you the dream is unrealistic.

You have asked a lot of tough questions but none of us can answer those for you. Keep a journal and dig deep into your past. Find the real you that had been neglected all these times. Yes, you might hurt people in the process but you must remember that the pain would be worse later in life. Imagine being with a person for decades only to learn that it was all a lie. I know this might sound harsh but I have friends who had been divorced because they learned they didn't love their spouse anymore.

Sorry if I went harsh a bit there. I just wanted you to know that life can be cruel and most people don't truly know themselves. I hope you find your answers!

Wow - I could have written that (with a couple of major modifications) almost 30 years ago. I married at age 32. Major difference one is that I was the one applying pressure. But oddly enough, once I got buy in I questioned whether it was the right thing or if I was just trying to fill my family picture to fit in the frame. My 3 siblings had all been married for years and there was already a next generation starting to fill out on the family tree.

I also had/have some issues and finding someone who stuck with me was hard. I hope that is major difference two.

I was still terrified. I started wondering if the old joke was true - "A man is not complete until he is married. Then he's finished." I think one thing that made me feel that way is that because I wanted so badly to have the kind of life I had grown up thinking was expected, in practical terms I had no choice once I chose a path. Yes, I could have changed my mind but like you, cold not bear the embarrassment and I would have viewed it as a failure.

Increased drinking is definitely a canary in my coal mine. This is why I don't quit - it's a safety measure. 'Nuff said...

As far as work goes, I like what Mike Rowe says - "Don't follow your passion. Take it with you wherever you go." He gives a longer explanation and it doesn't mean he is suggesting people should not try to find work they really enjoy. It's more about getting satisfaction from doing your best and not hating work because it isn't a dream job.

Most of the people I was trying to please would not have been pleased if they found out I placed their happiness above my own.

Thanks for the great advice guys