I have reached my current position one year ago, after a failed working experience in another organisation. Despite the previous failure, I landed on my feet and found a better position in a different organisation that allowed me not to be unemployed even for a single day. It is also a career improvement, but my voice says that it is only luck, that they offered me that because they had a wrong impression of who I was and what I was capable of. And that the position is not really better, but only comes with a better salary.
My work has been selected as runner-up for one of the most prestigious award in my field, no more than 3 weeks ago. I have discussed this with a sort of mentor I had in the previous organisation I worked for, which told me that I should be proud, that is a great achievement and that he does not know a single person who has been taken into consideration for the same prize, let alone someone younger than 30. However, I know for sure that I was selected as runner-up only because the body giving out such awards has a specific political agenda that happened to be overlapped with my work in the last 2 years. Therefore they selected me just because I was there with the right content at the right time. I do not really deserve this. And moreover, I have not won, but I am just a runner-up, which people seem not to understand. I am literally afraid that my current colleagues and boss would find out that I did not really deserve this.
Today I made a sort of error. I sent out an email to our partner and my boss told me that the tone of the email was off, too harsh, and that sending out such emails might back-fire. Despite the fact that he was not pissed off and that the tone of his email to me was not harsh, or even disappointed, i have fallen in a state of discomfort that is monopolising my mood and impeding me to be productive. Since I started work here (1y ago) this is the second time I make such mistake. Despite having no serious consequences, and despite being de facto the only significant mistakes I have made, and despite several token of appreciations from my boss and co-workers, I cannot physically avoid dark thought: that my boss thinks I am an idiot, that they will realise that I am not as good as they think, that my reputation is gone, and so on.
I know that I have already achieved something, and I am grateful for that. I realise that I have more than most of the people my age, that while most of my former high-school buddies struggle to gain independence I live of a comfortable salary in a comfortable house in a splendid city. But yet, I cannot avoid to think that I am - in the end - an idiot. Even while I am writing this post, a part of me is just saying that I am bragging about my achievements and that I want praise, and that I should be ashamed of this. I am afraid that if I don't learn how to cope with this voice in my head it is going to take an heavy toll on my life.
So this is it. My girlfriend (who by the way has a very similar story.... the irony) says that I might have a serious case of Impostor Syndrome... but in the and we just looked it up on Wikipedia
