I'm Samantha, I'm 23 years old. Let me start off with a little of my background.
-When I was 14 or so, my doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression.
-I used to cut myself, tried to kill myself a couple times
-When I was 17 submitted myself into a mental hospital and they kept me for 8 days. Not long after that, I ran away from home for a few years, but came back eventually.
-My mom was bi polar (manic depressive) and very back and fourth from day to day. Also a severe prescription drug addict from since before my birth, to this very day. (Grandparents are alcoholics, great-grandparents were also)
-My dad is a normal, hard working person.
Lately I had been having a hard time. I cannot explain everything, but I'll try to make it short and simple. I have always had a hard time handling myself. I mean, I do well, I have a handle on my emotions most of the time, but I have always felt unable to express myself.
This month was a build up of stress, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, and much more that I'd rather not say. I haven't felt this hopeless in a long time. I recognize how bad I feel, and it scares me. With my mom being so unstable all my life, I became humored by any real mental diagnoses. Actually, humored by doctors all around. But I'm worried now. I can't even make sense now.
I just don't know what's going on with me.
I've been getting more irritable with my loved ones, my friends and my boyfriend.
I feel abandoned by them when I'm not with them. I explode with anger because I am isolated. I have no friends down where I live, I am an hour away from them.. I feel like they're purposely ignoring me, and when they try to contact me I know it's just because they feel bad for ignoring me. Today was terrible because I just ignored them all day. My boyfriend was trying so hard to talk to me. I finally responded a little, but I'm still upset..
Things that I've noticed have gotten worse within the past month, month 1/2:
I either sleep 3-5 hours a day in my bed or I stay up for hours on end. When I am more upset than usual, I get exhausted from being angry and I end up getting a second wind later and staying up.
Showering and keeping up with myself hygiene/beauty wise (make up, hair) is extremely exhausting. It takes a lot of self motivation to get me to do these things nowadays.
Sometimes I think and worry so much I PHYSICALLY can't move. I fail to do anything. I snap out of it and realize I've been thinking and getting lost in my head for two hours at a time. (That has gone on for years now)
I have a lack of emotion a lot of times. It takes a big stressor to make me cry, or to make me sympathize. I am extremely caring, I just don't know how to express that with certain people.
I know my loved one is dead, but I still prepare food for her. I walk past her picture and feel she will be mad at me if I don't say hi and I love/miss her.
I don't eat much. I drink quite a bit, and I also suffer from Dermatillomania (skin picking neurological disorder). I go into a trace like state when I pick at my skin, sometimes I don't blink, sometimes I actually forget to take a breath. And sometimes it goes on for hours as well.
I want to isolate myself more and more. I am so lonely. I feel unable to be successful, to change anything.. and I feel like ultimately, I will lose all I love. I just feel like something is coming to a head and I feel like I'm losing touch with reality. I feel terrible for hurting the people I love.