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Psychotic break? Or just severely depressed?

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Psychotic break? Or just severely depressed?

Postby samantha077 » Wed Apr 19, 2017 8:02 am

I'm Samantha, I'm 23 years old. Let me start off with a little of my background.

-When I was 14 or so, my doctor diagnosed me with clinical depression.
-I used to cut myself, tried to kill myself a couple times
-When I was 17 submitted myself into a mental hospital and they kept me for 8 days. Not long after that, I ran away from home for a few years, but came back eventually.
-My mom was bi polar (manic depressive) and very back and fourth from day to day. Also a severe prescription drug addict from since before my birth, to this very day. (Grandparents are alcoholics, great-grandparents were also)
-My dad is a normal, hard working person.

Lately I had been having a hard time. I cannot explain everything, but I'll try to make it short and simple. I have always had a hard time handling myself. I mean, I do well, I have a handle on my emotions most of the time, but I have always felt unable to express myself.

This month was a build up of stress, loss of a loved one, loss of a job, and much more that I'd rather not say. I haven't felt this hopeless in a long time. I recognize how bad I feel, and it scares me. With my mom being so unstable all my life, I became humored by any real mental diagnoses. Actually, humored by doctors all around. But I'm worried now. I can't even make sense now.

I just don't know what's going on with me.

I've been getting more irritable with my loved ones, my friends and my boyfriend.
I feel abandoned by them when I'm not with them. I explode with anger because I am isolated. I have no friends down where I live, I am an hour away from them.. I feel like they're purposely ignoring me, and when they try to contact me I know it's just because they feel bad for ignoring me. Today was terrible because I just ignored them all day. My boyfriend was trying so hard to talk to me. I finally responded a little, but I'm still upset..

Things that I've noticed have gotten worse within the past month, month 1/2:

I either sleep 3-5 hours a day in my bed or I stay up for hours on end. When I am more upset than usual, I get exhausted from being angry and I end up getting a second wind later and staying up.

Showering and keeping up with myself hygiene/beauty wise (make up, hair) is extremely exhausting. It takes a lot of self motivation to get me to do these things nowadays.

Sometimes I think and worry so much I PHYSICALLY can't move. I fail to do anything. I snap out of it and realize I've been thinking and getting lost in my head for two hours at a time. (That has gone on for years now)

I have a lack of emotion a lot of times. It takes a big stressor to make me cry, or to make me sympathize. I am extremely caring, I just don't know how to express that with certain people.

I know my loved one is dead, but I still prepare food for her. I walk past her picture and feel she will be mad at me if I don't say hi and I love/miss her.

I don't eat much. I drink quite a bit, and I also suffer from Dermatillomania (skin picking neurological disorder). I go into a trace like state when I pick at my skin, sometimes I don't blink, sometimes I actually forget to take a breath. And sometimes it goes on for hours as well.

I want to isolate myself more and more. I am so lonely. I feel unable to be successful, to change anything.. and I feel like ultimately, I will lose all I love. I just feel like something is coming to a head and I feel like I'm losing touch with reality. I feel terrible for hurting the people I love.
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Re: Psychotic break? Or just severely depressed?

Postby Alucard » Wed Apr 19, 2017 4:33 pm

Hi there.

You've been through a lot, from your own account. It can be hard for the brain to process a lot of pain at once, and so our brains all have different ways of dealing with it. I'm not going to sit here and act like I have a right to put a label to what you're going through or that I've been in your shoes exactly, because I haven't. I have experienced similar feelings, similar troubles with sleep, similar troubles with expressing how I feel because often it feels like I don't feel anything--even though I know I do.

Psychotic? Naw, far from. This is a really rough patch for you. Losing a loved one is one of the hardest things to go through. Losing a job doesn't help. You're losing sleep, you've lost connections with people, and it's creating a fear that everything will be lost eventually. That's one hell of a weight on your shoulders. You have a right to feel as irritable and lonely and frustrated as you do. I would be extremely surprised if you went through all of these things and came out on the other end happy as a clam. I'd be disturbed, in fact.

I don't have any solutions, and even if I did I wouldn't feel comfortable shoving them down your throat in the form of an "advice post". I think this is going to be a process for you, and I hope you can enlist someone to help support you through this, help guide you when you feel you need guidance, because it's hard to grieve and balance stress on your own, and you shouldn't have to do it on your own.
I like living in the world in my head because I'm in charge half the time.

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