Hi all! I'm new to this forum and haven't posted yet. I just felt the need to today because I'm feeling really terrible and strange.
I'm from Ottawa, Ontario and have been living with borderline personality disorder, anxiety and depression for years now.
In mid 2013, about 6 months after me and my (now ex) boyfriend moved out of our parents houses and in to our own apartment, my mom (49 at the time) was diagnosed with lung cancer. We soon found out it was very very advanced, as it usually is at diagnosis.. And she passed away unexpectedly one night exactly 5 months later. We were very close and it just keeps getting worse as the years go by. I regret not living with her during her last year when she was still healthy and mobile as I always knew her to be.
Since that has happened.. And I try to heal.. My life has now become completely and utterly dominated by an intense fear of my dad going next. I rely heavily on him and he is probably the most important, precious person I have left. I worry 24 hours a day and 7 days per week. His state of health and life are, like, the epitome of my thoughts and feelings. I cannot focus on anything but. Just writing this out right now is making me cry, I'm all alone on my couch in my new apartment (on my 23rd birthday) and regretting signing the lease and wishing I just moved back with my dad when having my very own place has been my dream for years as I never tried living alone. I was living with my brother and his partner but they decided to move to a different part of the city on their own so I felt cornered and jumped into a new apartment and now I am resenting it- and only on month number one. He lives 25 minutes away, I can go over whenever I want really. But as soon as my work week begins again and it's time to pack my bag and head back to the city, I become insanely depressed and just feel terrible.
It's such a bizarre type of grief. I am constantly living in the past. I am always trying desperately to almost sort of replicate weeks, months and years of my life where I considered myself to be completely happy and content. I don't know HOW to live for right now. I'm always planning ahead or, more commonly thinking about the past. Wishing I'd taken more pictures, written more notes..
I could never get by without my dad. He does so much for me and I'm such a fragile, nervous wreck that I've always known and believed that if/when something does happen to him, I'm going to go as well.. I know it's not a good way to think and he definitely wouldn't want that but I cannot possibly ever even begin to imagine myself living without him. The thought of it is sickening, it turns my stomach and makes me want to cry.
It's really hard and stressful living like this. I wish I could get to know myself and spend more time moulding out my own life but the BPD stops me from really having an actual identity. I can't believe how much my state of mind has declined within the past four years. Since my mom passed away, I slowly lost all hope in life and all interest in everything. I feel a constant sense of impending doom, like I am on a sinking ship. I'm so lost. How can somebody like me find the joy in life? I swear I used to feel it.. I just don't anymore