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I feel that I am unstable, what do my traits suggest?

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I feel that I am unstable, what do my traits suggest?

Postby anonymous112111 » Wed Jan 04, 2017 5:39 pm

Firstly I would like to apologize if this is against the rules. I would like to make it clear that I am asking for opinionated answers, not for a 'diagnosis' (which is against the rules) but I'm sorry if I'm doing something that I'm not allowed to.

I am living in a town in the capital which you might consider to be "posh" or "upmarket"; with my parents and brother. I think that I am quite smart (thinking on the spot, common sense, manipulating and playing with other peoples feelings) but do fairly average in school (most likely due to my lack of effort). I show many psychopathic traits, including that emotion does not affect me half as much as it affects other people, though I do still feel it. I do not feel sorry for peoples psychical pain or innocent people dying, however for some reason when someone is emotionally hurt or excluded I can feel quite bad for them, possibly because of how much I relate to them. I'm extremely awkward but lately have been faking emotions to act as a normal person because, as much as the sociopath I am, enjoy the company of friends. At least half of the reason I do this is because I am worried about my self image; I worry about my psychical appearance and start to have mild panic attacks when I am embarrassed (for example I always make sure to be seen in public with a friend, not by myself).

I constantly think about killing people. Planning it out, covering up my tracks and have even gone so far as to find the perfect location to find a victim. I see no reason to hide the body, other than in attempt to buy some time before someone finds it. I mean, as long as you don't do something stupid like leave fingerprints or DNA samples, I'm pretty sure it can't be easily traced back to you. I'm also not even that bothered about being caught (which may be the most dangerous thing). There are of course things in my current life that I would not want to leave behind, but overall I feel as if being in a literal prison may be better than what I'm currently confined to. Lately in order to satisfy my needs I have been watching videos of people being killed. Be-headings, dismemberment and flayed skin has been the central method of these videos. I'm not sure if this matters, but I think that if I were to carry out these acts that I would preferably slit somebody's throat in attempt to kill them (though I have come to realize that suffocation may be the best way if I do not want to get caught).

I have always thought, and wanted to, kill people. Though it has not been until relatively recently (about a year) that I have been putting detailed thought into it. I think that this is because I never considered it as a option, maybe because of the way I was brought up (and am being brought up) at risk of being caught, but now that I can think clearly (or not so) I have come to realize that I can satisfy myself. I should also add that I have not suffered from any abuse, or post traumatic experiences and have a kind, loving family. I've also been getting extremely painful headaches around 5 times every week for the past 3 years, and taking multiple paracetamols to relieve the pain, when going to the doctor I was told that it was fairly normal and that I had to go on with my life dealing with it, what? I also have abnormal sleep patterns, and normally feel fine after 3 - 5 hours of sleep (I normally get around 6 every night). I've been sleeping really badly lately and even though I am tired occasionally find it impossible to sleep.

The realization that I may act on these thoughts does not scare me, nor does thinking about who or what I have become but even so, I do not want to end up doing something stupid. The least I could do for myself before I act is find out what I am. Another mental condition that I have shown the traits for is schizophrenia, so that might help to keep in mind.

Thank you for reading, and again I'm sorry if I broke any of the forum rules. Also, I'm leaving a lot out, so if there are any questions feel free to ask. Thank you.
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Re: I feel that I am unstable, what do my traits suggest?

Postby Winteriscoming » Thu Jan 05, 2017 4:10 am

You definitely seem to like the idea of killing people. For the good of your victims and you if caught I feel i must suggest you don't. Maybe you should take a look in the ASPD forums as I think they might empathize with this desire.

anonymous112111 wrote:Another mental condition that I have shown the traits for is schizophrenia, so that might help to keep in mind.

I think sometimes people get violent thoughts when they are seriously unwell mentally so it might help to get problems like this seen to. What symptoms of schizophrenia do you have?
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Re: I feel that I am unstable, what do my traits suggest?

Postby Tyler » Thu Jan 05, 2017 3:04 pm

I too had this obscene fascination with killing people. I'm a diagnosed Schizophrenic (well Schizoaffective disorder, same thing, according to my doctor, just with added stuff to it).

I had the idea of going on shooting sprees. Not so much killing one person and covering up the tracks, but full blown assaults on a public place. I had plans for several places, big places near me, and some far away. What stopped me? Few things.

1. I didn't have any weapons to use. I had a pocket knife. That's it. I didn't have a job at the time and had no money, so I had no way of going on the killing spree.

2. Lack of mobility

3. Letting someone know. Now, this is the hard part. I talked to my mom, and she got me into a private practice clinic where I saw a therapist and a psychiatrist. I didn't go up to her and say "I hear voices, see things that aren't there, and want to kill people." I said "I feel like I'm going to die, all the time, just feel like at any second, I'll be gone..."

I was fortunate enough to have a mother that worked at a mental health facility. Do you have anyone in your family that is open minded about mental health? Maybe just tell someone in your family, "hey, I've been battling with depression, and have a lot of anxiety."

I know, lying is bad, but when you're thinking about killing people, it's not the worst thing.

Hope this helps, even a little.
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Re: I feel that I am unstable, what do my traits suggest?

Postby Brokenmediocrity » Thu Jan 05, 2017 9:19 pm

This sounds very consuming. I find it concerning that you are experiencing severe headaches along with increased intensity of homicidal fantasies. You should seek out a referral to a neurologist (PCPs sometimes are just clueless), along with a mental health intervention. This sounds very serious. Please consider doing so immediately. Good luck! I hope you can find a sense of normalcy. No matter what, DO NOT HURT ANYONE ELSE.
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