It's honestly a big step to post here and I don't even know where to start. [I originally had this posted in the NPD forum, and a user suggested I move it here]
I'm just hoping I'll have some common ground with many of you here.
All my life- I'm in my early 20s- I've hid behind a beautiful exterior, professional accomplishments, and artistic talents. I've received a lot of attention/narcissistic supply, and had a very privileged upbringing. But I've always felt an internal sense of failure and worthlessness. It's very hard to confide these feelings in others when your life looks perfect on the surface. I feel very negative all the time. It's as if I'm out of touch with my own reality.
The past few years, I've been in and out of therapy and medication trying to combat this terrible depression. No matter what changes I make in my life, the feelings don't seem to leave me. I am haunted by this loneliness. I am constantly paranoid and afraid. I lash out at everyone, and come across as a terribly spoiled brat. I've alienated and lost friends, and I don't even know exactly what I do. I'd give up all so much to have a sense of emotional stability and security.
Perhaps my expectations of life are too high because everything has been given to me. Maybe I don't respect people. I don't enjoy being with others. I don't feel like they understand me. Even when I leave my home, I'm simply tired of just getting attention for looking the way I do and I want people to know who I am and the troubles I have past my seemingly perfect exterior. But I don't even know why I have these troubles.
I can't stop crying these days. I don't feel I know how to interact with others. I am told I have an extremely charming and almost mystic energy that draws people in, and I've always been rather popular. But after a while, I get bored. I don't know what I'm looking for in life. Even my professional ambitions have begun to elude me. I feel that everything is pointless. I feel so misunderstood.
I've reached a breaking point recently as my significant other is tired of my "#######4" and isn't speaking to me. I am trying to get back into therapy. But I don't trust anyone. It seems like simply a business to make money off other people. I don't know how to get help.
Thank you for reading. I hope someone here has some input into my situation. I can't seem to get myself out of this.