I'm so Confused. (Don't know where to put this....) *TW*

Sidenote: This may be rambly, and go off topic at times. I'm tired and I have so many thoughts I need to get out there.

This may be triggering to some people. Possible triggers- Self harm, suicide mention, eating disorder mentions.


So, before I start, I'll let you know about my "disorders".
I have Depression, OCD, Anxiety, Social Anxiety, and I've had an eating disorder (not diagnosed).

Well, I'm basically here to get some advice or some type of conversation going. I miss some of my old behaviors, even though I know they were unhealthy. I miss them like you'd miss an old friend you hadn't seen in a while. I want to visit them, I want them to come back and stay.

Mainly I want to cut/self harm myself again, and start up my eating disorder. My depression has never fully gone away, but it seems to be coming back full force, as I find myself empty and tired more often than I have lately. My OCD has gotten better in some ways, and worse in others, and my anxiety is through the roof, per usual.

I am twenty two years old, currently, for a timeline of when the two disorders I mentioned were around.

I began cutting myself when I was sixteen-seventeen, and though I never actually cut myself enough to go to the hospital, it was my way to cope with things when I was upset. I also tried to commit suicide plenty of times, but never managed to actually finish the job.

When I get really upset nowadays, I find myself aching for a blade, missing that old relief. I don't know what to do with the sadness inside, building up, and it just... hurts. I want to get it out somehow, and I only know how to do that via self harm. I miss it so much. I miss the feeling of being able to let it all out. I can't explain why, I can't explain how I miss it, really, but I just do.

The eating disorder began when I was fourteen, and stayed until I was about sixteen. I never got to the point of hospitalization, nor did it get to the point of being "unhealthy weight". I restricted myself and refused to eat unless I was forced, I counted calories, and I generally avoided food if I could help it.

I feel like a failure because I didn't actually get super thin. I feel like I failed some sort of test, and I never finished it. I currently miss my eating disorder as well, wishing I could be skinny again, wishing I could see my bones, wishing for the concern from others that came with avoiding meals. It's sick, I know, but I don't know how to make these feelings go away. I just feel like an overall failure.

Any advice and/or help anyone could give me is much appreciated.
Thank you.