So I need some advice on this thing that happened to me when I was sixteen. I wasn't sure whether to post here or in the anti-psych forum. But basically, I lost my face. I always had a very unusual appearance, and suddenly the bones in my face, as well as my hips, shrunk significantly. This happened just a few weeks after I'd started at a new school and had started hanging out with a new group of friends. My suspicion is that someone put some sort of poison in my food, maybe faeces (it's the only thing I can think of) because this person kept scrutinizing my face over the next few months. Either that or a I acquired some sort of disease or b I'm hallucinating that something's happened to my face. It went from round to heart- shaped, to quote my mother. People used to say i looked older than my age, around twenty, now suddenly people would say i looked fifteen..When i was eighteen i went on antidepressants which gave me some fat on my face and made me look healthier. As soon as i stop taking my antidepressants, I look like I'm mentally ill. I can tell by comments I get from my psychiatrists. And no, it's not a reflection of my mental state. The real problem is that I don't look psychologically well. To make matters much much worse, i also had acne in my teens which lead to scarring. Five years ago, I wanted to do something about the scarring so I had laser treatment. Mild blushing would be a side-effect they said. Right. I was badly burned. After it healed My skin went dry and I couldn't bare to look at or even touch my face so over the next six months, I neglected my skin completely. I now have a severe disfigurement. Everything would have been ok if that girl hadn't poisoned me. I've never questioned her about it so I can't be sure that that's what happened but it's my belief. While all of this was happening in my teens and early twenties I was also trying to cope not so adaptively with being asexual. It sounds stupid but all I wanted was to be normal. Then four years ago I did something really, really shameful and I went into extacy and ended up being diagnosed with schizophrenia, which I do not believe to be accurate. Ecstasy and schizophrenia are not the same thing, right? I am now on disability and under sectioning despite not having any thoughts of harming myself. All of this (being asexual, acne and face problems, unsupportive parents) distracted me and so I now found myself at 28, stuck in a supportive living facility subdued by neuroleptics without any qualifications and no idea how to move forward. I was diagnosed with BDD once but then the face damage got worse so my next doctors ignored it. Basically I'm too disfigured now to qualify for a diagnosis of BDD. I hate psychiatry. I call it the science of seeing. Well youre wearing differently coloured socks and you look kind of ragged, you must be a schizophrenic then.They actually noted the colours of my socks in
my chart. I think the doctors are conflating my disfigurement with a mental illness.
I saw a plastic surgeon who claimed my
cheek bones were asymmetrical and there was nothing wrong with my skin. Basically I'm severely disfigured and feel like I wasted my youth on obsessing over my face. I'm filled with remorse every day and don't know what to do. Also, I hate neuroleptics. They make me sleep fifteen hours a day. Then I stay in bed 2-4 hours a day on top of that. But they do help with my anxiety so that's good I guess.
I'm not suicidal but I do think about death a lot. I feel old and like my life is over, all that's left is death. Basically I'm wondering if there's anybody else going through something similar. Please get in touch if you're out there.