WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME???

Please read the full story before you comment.
Five years ago I was diagnosed with EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), as I used to "switch" between AN and BN. It was then where I began noticing a lot happening to my mental state, as my personality tended to change drastically from one to other, to a third one and so on.
So for a long time I've thought I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, having a total of eight Alters, as far as I could identify them. However I refuse to give them names, as I don't necessarily see them as humans, more like voice guides or some sort of magical pills that make me evolve into something else at certain situations and certain times.
First one being the nacissist: Occurs during the day, usually when around friends. Rebellious, manipulative, never follows the rules, is often rude to people, as she believes she's beyond their level. Makes jokes about how great she is. Basically your typical special snowflake, which I really hate being sometimes, but hey, that's just a part of who I am, right?
Second one being the 'Angel': The opposite of the narcissist. She's mostly positive, genuine and gives her best advices to help a friend in need, cares about people a lot and really enjoys being around them, so much that whenever she's alone, her thoughts switch from positive to extremely negative. She may begin to feel anxious if her friends would abandon her and she would face her greatest fear: being alone and lonely. (Throwback 6 years ago when I first entered high school, it was the most nightmarish year of my life. I had no friends, I knew nobody and everyone from my school thought I was a weirdo for the way I looked /typical goth kid back then/ and the way I viewed things. I was bullied both physically and mentally, reflecting on the way I see people - a threat. I was the only kid who sat alone in class and whenever the bell rang for a break, I used to go to hide in the bathrooms.) She may take the role of a psychiatrist for her friends, always making sure they're given the right answer for their problem.
Third one would be my ED mind: Even though I'm currently trying to recover, I still have those two fairly recognizable voices in my head, whenever I feel the need to eat. While many, including me, find the "Ana voice" and "Mia voice" as nothing more than a joke, I must say, there is something right about the whole thing. For example, I would often skip meals or even skip a whole day to impress one voice, but if I happen to eat something and it made me feel full, the other voice would fill my head with ideas I could use to purge that food and get rid of the awful thoughts that came in with it. And many other things.
Fourth one is the woman of power: Classy, mature, a perfectionist, may spend hours on applying make-up, in order for it to be perfect. Her goals are to have the best grades in university and still be looking flawless everywhere she goes - doesn't matter if it's the mall or just to take out the trash. She must look perfect and present herself perfectly anywhere and everywhere she goes. Biggest threat: people with better knowledge, also good looking women. The fact that she presents herself as a woman on point doesn't mean she doesn't have insecurities. She is also a heartbreaker, views men as below her class and uses them as objects.
Unlike the Fifth one, the cat: Simply a cat, what more is there to say? Ever since she got her first kitten 10 years ago, she began acting like one in many ways. Sleeps like a cat (bended in every weird position possible with her hands near her face like paws), whines like a cat whenever she wants something, is playful, bubbly and energetic. Often acts like a child, making silly faces and acting cute. Doesn't care about relationships, but would often treat boys the way a playful pet would treat its owners - by simply annoying them to the part where they couldn't bare with it anymore. Oh, and is also a cosplayer.
Sixth one wouldn't be exactly a type of personality or an "Alter", but is more of the way my mind works under the influence of drugs (yes, we went there) and these are traits that work specifically for me:
THC: A few years ago I used to smoke it every day. Nowadays I only take a blunt per month and the effects are most of the times negative: I experience anxiety, head spins, shaking/shivering, losing awareness of my surroundings, hearing voices louder than I used to before, having the feeling that everyone and everything is against me; in the best case scenario - hallucinations and things that excite the Fifth, making it go "ooOOO".
Amphetamines: One of my favorites. Decreased appetite (making the Third ones happy), extremely energetic (sugar for the cat) and increase for sexual activity.
Methamphetamines: Same as the above, with the slight difference of having the feeling that my body and face are sliced in two. The first half being ice cold and the second one burning.
LSD: Most favorite. You probably know the effects on LSD, so I'd skip that one and simply add that all those hallucinations to me (especially the Fifth) are like taking your hyperactive kid to the largest theme park there is.
Seventh one, the Creature, is where it gets interesting: I don't remember how it all started, but I recall a few years ago when I began acting way more violent towards my loved ones (family and significant other) in a specific situation. Occurs during the night, permanately earases some memories from my mind, is actually capable of murder if let loose. How it happens: Someone or something (for example: time pressure, unsuccessful project, doubt in significant other) triggers me to get angry, so my eyes literally roll back for a split second, as I see back, kind of like a TV shutting off; with the feeling of having my eyes roll all the way back at 360 degrees and then return to their normal state, again like a TV, turning on the same channel, but now it looks different. The colors are more vibrant, the voices however are muffled and you see yourself doing actions that your brain has not send a command to do, or at least that's what you thought. Your face feels like it's burning, but in the same time it's stone cold, your hands are shaking and so is your whole body; you might feel the rush of adrenaline as you take the sharpest object that is near you (if there aren't any, just use your nails, they're long and sharp enough already) and aim for a) the neck b) the eyes c) any part of your prey's body. If you are stopped, you begin a loud hysterical laugh that you can't stop. May burst into tears after that. (Throwback 2 years ago when I almost stabbed my mother's boyfriend with a pair of scissors for slapping me. I was on my way to murder him before 911 came and forced me to take sleeping pills). May occur if the narcissist's ego is harmed. During the day it's not as violent, however things, such as horror movies or horror books, news about brutally murdered people, including real pictures or snuff films may calm it down. Lately I have found a way to make it ignore its thirst for blood, violence and murder, by watching SFX tutorials and actually getting into SFX makeup myself.
Eigth one is on the end of this list, since he's the most recent one I've noticed, despite his years long presence I haven't realised until lately: So I've had a thing for girls ever since middle school, I mean who doesn't? Girls are pure and soft and are easily lovable. The Eigth one is a male voice that often gets in fights with the other voices, as he wishes to be viewed as masculine both on the inside and outside, which makes him really hard to please. He occurs sometimes on social media and often around my friends in real life who are also part of the LGBT community. (I believe I am pansexual, so that makes me a part of it). However as far as my appearance goes, it would be a miracle if I ever get to dress more tomboyish, as I always dress myself girly. All clothes in black (taken from the First), skirts and dresses at all times, combined with heart chokers and other babygirl alien stuff (Fifth and possibly Sixth, because aliens♥), high heels and coats to impress the Fourth, however sometimes I just like to be a kid and wear sneakers (Fifth). None of those appeal to the Eigth however, he still wishes for me to go back to the time when I used to buy men's jeans, oversized T-shirts and plaid shirts (6 years ago when I was trying to impress my first girl crush; aaand get in her pants). He also wants to cut my hair short and rock the undercut, which would totally not suit my feminine babyface. And what about all this makeup? I refuse to throw it away, how am I going to express my mood without it? And so, the Eigth was left with people's confusion of his actions, the way he calls people "dude", the way he rages while playing videogames and the way he sometimes walks, despite having a skirt on and making certain movements that you usually see on boys, but in my case, with that feminine face. What can I say? My mind is a total mess right now.

Also, some traits and details that I couldn't link to any of those eight 'personalities'/Alters/categories, but can still be helpful to identify what mental illness I have:
• Hearing voices and with that, talking to myself often. Sometimes even out loud.
• Brain suddenly "shutting off" while doing a task, leaving me motionless and empty minded, as if my brain was a cup of coffee that suddenly got the liquid spilled out of it.
• Going somewhere and completely forgetting what I was going to do or say after second I arrived
• Sudden change in voice while talking
• Wanting to do something, but in the same time disagreeing to do it, also thinking it's wrong to do it, all thoughts at one time.
• Getting carried away easily by things that have absolutely nothing to do with the current situation, and with that shutting off reality and taking a ride to another world.
• If I don't know what to do in a certain situation, I would run in circles, panicking
• Scared of having to make a decision. I always need a friend of a loved one to make that decision for me.
• Often changing the way I write
• Having problems trying to fall sleep at night and then having problems waking up in the morning
• Disordered thinking and speech; often thinking one thing, but saying another; moving from one topic to a totally different one
• I have been told my movements sometimes seem "anxious" (example: sitting with my arms crossed, keeping my arms close to my body, standing still and 'scared' to move, pulling my sleeves to cover my wrists and most of my hands, which apparently is a trait for a shy or an insecure person, which I don't believe I am... most of the time)
• Easily distracted and maybe easily irritated
• Hard to concentrate on one thing for more than 5 minutes, as I can get easily bored
• If alone, wondering if I die, I would get reborn in another universe; often thinking about life outside our planet
• Doing things without having my brain process or command the action
• Explaination for the Sixth (drug abuse): The same reason why I enjoy sleep (even though I can hardly get one), I simply want to escape reality
• My music taste is a mixture of several completely different styles, including some music janres that most people find weird. I can switch from a melodic cute song to heavy metal or rap in seconds.
• People sometimes say "I have mixed feelings for [something]", while I have mixed feelings for every single thing that comes into my mind
• I have dealt with self-harm in the past. Usually would carve words or symbols on my skin. Reason? The adrenalin while inflicting pain on myself gave me pleasure. Currently four months self-harm free, but still have desires to carve some symbols or carve over the white moon I did on my wrist a year ago.
• Can frequent blinking and always looking away from people's eyes when talking to them be a symptom? I don't know.

I've read a lot of information about mental illnesses, trying to find the answer to my problems. For a long time I have been wondering between Dissociative Identity Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Schizophrenia, Bipolar Disorder and even Sociopathic Disorder. I am aware that this forum won't link me to professionals or therapists, however before I go and get diagnosed officially, I would like to think what you guys assume is wrong with me.
Thank you for spending your time to read all this crap, I just needed to let this out somewhere.
I tried to write it as simple as possible, so there is a lot more information for me to give out and if you have some questions, feel free to ask me.

It's really difficult to say what you're suffering from exactly, especially since you mentioned taking drugs. Drugs can affect you in the long term, and there are other medical conditions that could be affecting your behavior that aren't really pure mental health issues, for example thyroid problems.

Generally you seem to be very anxious, including socially anxious (even though you don't want to admit the latter), so you should probably look into ways of calming yourself down (without using drugs).

I can relate to your abrupt mood changes, and the personality changes. I also like a wide variety of music, all the way from Enya, through bubbly J-Pop to Rammstein and the like. But I'm not as twitchy and restless as you described yourself to be, I don't consider myself to have any alters, and I don't have the eating disorders.

jerboa wrote:It's really difficult to say what you're suffering from exactly, especially since you mentioned taking drugs. Drugs can affect you in the long term, and there are other medical conditions that could be affecting your behavior that aren't really pure mental health issues, for example thyroid problems.

Generally you seem to be very anxious, including socially anxious (even though you don't want to admit the latter), so you should probably look into ways of calming yourself down (without using drugs).

I can relate to your abrupt mood changes, and the personality changes. I also like a wide variety of music, all the way from Enya, through bubbly J-Pop to Rammstein and the like. But I'm not as twitchy and restless as you described yourself to be, I don't consider myself to have any alters, and I don't have the eating disorders.

Thank you so much for your feedback! ^^
I have actually stopped taking drugs for quite some time now, possibly months, I can't quite remember. I don't count the small pull of a blunt I took on Halloween, since I didn't want to get high back then, but apparently after a long time being clean even the smallest pull of a blunt can make your social anxiety burst out of nowhere and become more dangerous than it already was. It was scary, I viewed my friends as enemies that wanted me to suffer, but thank lord it only lasted for a few minutes and then I went back to "normal" and once again swore to never take weed again.
Anyway, I also listen to J-pop and Rammstein, just like you. ^^ I'm more into K-pop however, sometimes even going in the deepest, darkest corners of gangster K-rap, but then I switch to melodic music again and then go back to Marilyn Manson (he's like my savior, my religion, oh lord), and then consfuse my dorm neighbors with Crystal Castles, Sadboys and Death Grips. Ah, so much music janres and so little time to listen to them all. ^^

I'm not an expert, but I've heard that some drugs can cause permanent damage to your body or your nervous system, so the effects can still be visible years after taking them.

Kpop is nice too, I'm particularly a fan of f(x), Kara and Block B... I'm not fond of standalone rap, but rapping parts are nice.

Do you also get these mixed feelings about K-pop girls? Like on the one hand you're sick of them being the same cookie-cutter cuties, but when one of them is different, you can't help but see it as a flaw. For example Ailee, she's a lot fatter than me or other Kpop stars, but isn't it nice to have curves? Idk.

jerboa wrote:I'm not an expert, but I've heard that some drugs can cause permanent damage to your body or your nervous system, so the effects can still be visible years after taking them.

Kpop is nice too, I'm particularly a fan of f(x), Kara and Block B... I'm not fond of standalone rap, but rapping parts are nice.

Do you also get these mixed feelings about K-pop girls? Like on the one hand you're sick of them being the same cookie-cutter cuties, but when one of them is different, you can't help but see it as a flaw. For example Ailee, she's a lot fatter than me or other Kpop stars, but isn't it nice to have curves? Idk.

Of course.
As I mentioned, different chapters of my mind (as I would say) have different thoughts on the same thing. (Also, Block B's Zico is god. ♥)
For instance, First may not like them (she doesn't like K-pop at the first place), Third would envy their bodies and feel jealous of how perfect they look, Fourth might feel like her beauty is threatened by theirs, while Eigth would instantly fall in love in them.
Eigth is most difficult to hold back actually. I often get put in awkward situations because of him. Like this one time I went out with friends for tea and next to the place where we were at there was a fitness gym with open windows, through which you could see everything. Then something got me and I screamed at my friends "DUDES, asian chicks are running on the treadmills!" and went outside to stare at them like a hungry dog. My friends were so confused, so awkward...

Zombiephobiac wrote:

jerboa wrote:I'm not an expert, but I've heard that some drugs can cause permanent damage to your body or your nervous system, so the effects can still be visible years after taking them.

Kpop is nice too, I'm particularly a fan of f(x), Kara and Block B... I'm not fond of standalone rap, but rapping parts are nice.

Do you also get these mixed feelings about K-pop girls? Like on the one hand you're sick of them being the same cookie-cutter cuties, but when one of them is different, you can't help but see it as a flaw. For example Ailee, she's a lot fatter than me or other Kpop stars, but isn't it nice to have curves? Idk.

Of course.
As I mentioned, different chapters of my mind (as I would say) have different thoughts on the same thing. (Also, Block B's Zico is god. ♥)
For instance, First may not like them (she doesn't like K-pop at the first place), Third would envy their bodies and feel jealous of how perfect they look, Fourth might feel like her beauty is threatened by theirs, while Eigth would instantly fall in love in them.
Eigth is most difficult to hold back actually. I often get put in awkward situations because of him. Like this one time I went out with friends for tea and next to the place where we were at there was a fitness gym with open windows, through which you could see everything. Then something got me and I screamed at my friends "DUDES, asian chicks are running on the treadmills!" and went outside to stare at them like a hungry dog. My friends were so confused, so awkward...

Haha, I wouldn't mind staring at Asian chicks either! They have this certain type of beauty.

What is it like to have an alter of a different gender than you are? Is 'he' accustomed to having a female body, or is he pervy towards your own body?

jerboa wrote:

Zombiephobiac wrote:

jerboa wrote:I'm not an expert, but I've heard that some drugs can cause permanent damage to your body or your nervous system, so the effects can still be visible years after taking them.

Kpop is nice too, I'm particularly a fan of f(x), Kara and Block B... I'm not fond of standalone rap, but rapping parts are nice.

Do you also get these mixed feelings about K-pop girls? Like on the one hand you're sick of them being the same cookie-cutter cuties, but when one of them is different, you can't help but see it as a flaw. For example Ailee, she's a lot fatter than me or other Kpop stars, but isn't it nice to have curves? Idk.

Of course.
As I mentioned, different chapters of my mind (as I would say) have different thoughts on the same thing. (Also, Block B's Zico is god. ♥)
For instance, First may not like them (she doesn't like K-pop at the first place), Third would envy their bodies and feel jealous of how perfect they look, Fourth might feel like her beauty is threatened by theirs, while Eigth would instantly fall in love in them.
Eigth is most difficult to hold back actually. I often get put in awkward situations because of him. Like this one time I went out with friends for tea and next to the place where we were at there was a fitness gym with open windows, through which you could see everything. Then something got me and I screamed at my friends "DUDES, asian chicks are running on the treadmills!" and went outside to stare at them like a hungry dog. My friends were so confused, so awkward...

Haha, I wouldn't mind staring at Asian chicks either! They have this certain type of beauty.

What is it like to have an alter of a different gender than you are? Is 'he' accustomed to having a female body, or is he pervy towards your own body?

Well, Eigth claims he should've been born with a male body and still believes he would have a chance of achieving his dreams (has even considered transitioning for a long time now, but never had the opportunity to do so) and even sometimes he daydreams of having male genital organs, which a few times actually felt like having them. They felt so real, but I guess that was only a delusion. Other than that, he despises my body and wants to get rid of the feminine parts of it. However there are some times when I get dressed in front of the mirror and when I look at my body I feel like a teenage virgin boy seeing a naked woman for the first time. Not getting into much detail, but in other words, he gets aroused. Although I can't really tell sometimes if it's his doing or just the Fifth, since she possesses a lot of self-confidence and adores her body, unlike the Third who would possibly never be happy with the way I look.