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The NPD Woman. What Is She Like?

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The NPD Woman. What Is She Like?

Postby TadLock » Tue Sep 06, 2011 6:28 pm

I know that a lot of stuff is out on npd mothers and it seems very true. but what are girls like with npd? it is hard to think of my mother to use as a compass to understand npd women my age.

plus i would think npd mother's treat their children different than their husbands, lovers, or boyfriends. so what are they like? what makes them distinct from bpd and hpd? so many men i have heard say that the npd girl is worse than a bpd and hpd but they never went into detail of what ways?

i guess too i would think hpd would be just like npd. i mean they care for appearance, they want to be the center of attention, they devalue...the list could go on and on. yet i know if i met an npd woman i couldn't spot her if i had a microscope! this is not good for me. i made this mistake with the hpd and it led me to here.

all too well i knew the bpd woman. i thought, "if you know one, you can identify them all". boy was i wrong.

do npd women dress proactively or high class? i have heard that because they think so highly of themselves, that they put little effort into their dress and appearance. after all, in their mind they are almighty God. they are the best thing in the world so they don't need to get their nails done all the time, to do their hair all the time, etc. not saying they have bad hygiene, but just that they are way less concerned about their appearance according to this theory.

if anyone knows one, suspects one, or knows one who was with one, please give feedback.

the more variety, the more angles, the more unique the experiences to contemplate...the better!!

also: are they likely to be more high functioning? are they likely to be in medical, judicial, academic, mental health professions?

how do they treat their men at first?
then how do they treat their men later (like how do they emotionally abuse)
anyone notice any particular triggers with them?
don't you think there should be some similarities with npd with hpd?

I mean even with male hpd's. The male hpd is seductive, cheats, thinks the world of himself, well what difference is that between a male hpd? is it just me or are there (or could there be) some striking similarities?

i know there may be no "one size fits all" answer to this question, but all sizes or even the most minute observations anyone here can mention will be worth their weight in gold!

i am mainly focused on the female npd because so much is out there on male npd's, and like I said a lot of the stuff written about the male npd could imo also be written about a male hpd (except for the rage).

but don't hpd's and bpd's also have narcissistic qualities in them that cause them (or enable them) to display versions of narcissistic rages too? my ex bpd sure did!
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Re: The NPD Woman. What Is She Like?

Postby A little Wisernow » Wed Sep 07, 2011 1:07 am

I think mine was NPD/HPD.

She was a model........

She knew she was beautiful.

She thought most people were below her.

She always treated waiters and such like dirt.

But she was young enough that she came across as a brat.......

She was a charming, beautiful, bitch!

Like the old song......... Poison Ivey! :shock:
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Re: The NPD Woman. What Is She Like?

Postby My2cents » Wed Sep 07, 2011 2:01 am

What is the NPD woman like? Narcissistic. Other than that, it depends on which one.

Narcissists form an image of the ideal person they want to be, and act like that's who they are. How they present themselves depends on which qualities they consider most important.

I've known one and seen several of the traits I'm about to list. I think most of the items in the list will apply to most narcissists, of any age.

-Sense of humor is never self-deprecating. It's usually laughing about other people to look down on them. She would be very embarrassed if her own flaws were exposed.

-She has a history of failed relationships (romantic, family, friends, work), but they are invariably the other person's fault.

-She has an inordinate desire to be praised or thanked. Should you not praise frequently enough, or on an occasion she expects it, she will be upset. Maybe it will come out as light-hearted teasing or compliment-fishing instead of aggressively demanding praise, but it's clear that she expects to be praised. She wants credit and recognition.

-If someone else is better than her at something, either it's not an important skill, or it's because the other person has an unfair advantage. It can't be because she isn't as good and should look up to the person.

-Accuses other people of being arrogant. This is projection. If she is the first to notice another person's arrogance, says she knows a lot of arrogant people, is the only person to say that a certain person is arrogant, then pay attention.

-Doesn't seem to understand the difference between objective and subjective. Her opinion is a fact. If she believes something, any sensible person would believe it too. If you disagree, you are wrong, and you're arrogant for thinking you knew when you clearly didn't.

-Is very concerned about how her friends, children, etc, make her look. If she has children, their morality is based on don't do anything that will reflect badly on mommy. If she values intelligence, all of her friends will be articulate and well-read. If she values appearance, all of her friends will be dressed fashionably. She doesn't want someone in her entourage that will make her look bad. But they can't upstage her either.

-All her failures are someone else's fault. If her team lost the basketball game, it's because her teammate didn't pass her the ball more often. If she failed her history paper about how Martin Luther stole all of his ideas from John Calvin, it's because her professor is a Lutheran, not because she was wrong (that's just an example I made up). By the way, she knows at least as much about every subject as each of her professors.

-It's her way or the highway. Either she is running the show, or she is not interested.

-She might have plenty to say about other people. So-and-so is incompetent, crazy, ugly, rude, unfashionable . . . usually bad things about someone else. We all do it sometimes, but she does it more often.

-Absolutely hates being corrected on factual errors. If you're arguing, and she realizes you are right, you are sleeping on the couch tonight. If she is telling her friends she met you 7 months ago, and you say no it was 6 months ago, she will resent you for embarrassing her in front of her friends.

She could have any occupation, any physique, any religion, whatever. The important thing is to listen to what she says. She will say a sentence here or there which gives you a window into her thoughts. If you listen when she talks, once in a while she will say something and think nothing of it, but you might think it seems unusual.

Pay attention to how yourself, your family, your friends, and other people behave around her. See how your habits change. Whenever you meet someone, your behavior will subtly adapt. Depending on her personality, your behavior will change in certain ways. If you catch yourself developing a habit you didn't have before, think about it.
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Re: The NPD Woman. What Is She Like?

Postby TadLock » Thu Sep 08, 2011 4:52 am

My2cents wrote:What is the NPD woman like? Narcissistic. Other than that, it depends on which one.

Narcissists form an image of the ideal person they want to be, and act like that's who they are. How they present themselves depends on which qualities they consider most important.

I've known one and seen several of the traits I'm about to list. I think most of the items in the list will apply to most narcissists, of any age.

-Sense of humor is never self-deprecating. It's usually laughing about other people to look down on them. She would be very embarrassed if her own flaws were exposed.

-She has a history of failed relationships (romantic, family, friends, work), but they are invariably the other person's fault.

-She has an inordinate desire to be praised or thanked. Should you not praise frequently enough, or on an occasion she expects it, she will be upset. Maybe it will come out as light-hearted teasing or compliment-fishing instead of aggressively demanding praise, but it's clear that she expects to be praised. She wants credit and recognition.

-If someone else is better than her at something, either it's not an important skill, or it's because the other person has an unfair advantage. It can't be because she isn't as good and should look up to the person.

-Accuses other people of being arrogant. This is projection. If she is the first to notice another person's arrogance, says she knows a lot of arrogant people, is the only person to say that a certain person is arrogant, then pay attention.

-Doesn't seem to understand the difference between objective and subjective. Her opinion is a fact. If she believes something, any sensible person would believe it too. If you disagree, you are wrong, and you're arrogant for thinking you knew when you clearly didn't.

-Is very concerned about how her friends, children, etc, make her look. If she has children, their morality is based on don't do anything that will reflect badly on mommy. If she values intelligence, all of her friends will be articulate and well-read. If she values appearance, all of her friends will be dressed fashionably. She doesn't want someone in her entourage that will make her look bad. But they can't upstage her either.

-All her failures are someone else's fault. If her team lost the basketball game, it's because her teammate didn't pass her the ball more often. If she failed her history paper about how Martin Luther stole all of his ideas from John Calvin, it's because her professor is a Lutheran, not because she was wrong (that's just an example I made up). By the way, she knows at least as much about every subject as each of her professors.

-It's her way or the highway. Either she is running the show, or she is not interested.

-She might have plenty to say about other people. So-and-so is incompetent, crazy, ugly, rude, unfashionable . . . usually bad things about someone else. We all do it sometimes, but she does it more often.

-Absolutely hates being corrected on factual errors. If you're arguing, and she realizes you are right, you are sleeping on the couch tonight. If she is telling her friends she met you 7 months ago, and you say no it was 6 months ago, she will resent you for embarrassing her in front of her friends.

She could have any occupation, any physique, any religion, whatever. The important thing is to listen to what she says. She will say a sentence here or there which gives you a window into her thoughts. If you listen when she talks, once in a while she will say something and think nothing of it, but you might think it seems unusual.

Pay attention to how yourself, your family, your friends, and other people behave around her. See how your habits change. Whenever you meet someone, your behavior will subtly adapt. Depending on her personality, your behavior will change in certain ways. If you catch yourself developing a habit you didn't have before, think about it.


It seems My2cents that we have a cluster b variety that is not "normally" attractive. At least no where near to the extent of the bpd's, and hpd's.

Let me ask this: What if the NPD was of such a woman who cut men down? Like, let's say she made the men dependent on her (helps her image as the provider, gives her power this way and she was initiate systems of reward and punishment more easy, which is necessary for mind control).

There is a certain breed or type of woman I have been observing over the years that is doubtless abusive but she does not fit conventional cluster b profiles. Instead (i hate to say this, but in many ways she fits into what is called Inverted Narcissisim, something maybe coined by Sam Vankin). I panned her off a year or two back (this profile of a woman) as being a co-dependent sort and running the control patterns of co-dependents. Now I am not so sure this is correct due to too many reasons and situations to name here in a single post.

But let's say the man is a successfull businessman and she is a nurse. Then let's say she assures him that he should stay at home while she works (maybe her getting pregnant sets this stage and she wants him to be the stay at home dad). It would take stress off him, just be for awhile, you know how it goes. She may even say they can take turns being the stay at home person. After all, her carrerr is important too.

Then all the sudden other reasons emerge that make it better for things to be as they are (he can just stay at home, maybe he can start a home based business). After all, what is hers is his. They are married.

In time however she begins to keep more of a tight lease on the money, get more authoritative, and begins to "look at him" like exactly as he is: A man without a job. Time passes, so much time passes that he cannot easily pick up where he left off. His office space was sold, a lot of his cliets have new places they do business, and the like. This is tied into the lapse of time before the narc rages. A lot of times they will get upset or make a move, but the covert narc will not do anything until time has passed so that there rage could be connected to the event (because they let time pass. they wait but they don't forget).

I am shooting in the dark with an example like the one above, but could it be the npd woman somehow creates a false sense of security in the man she is with to isolate him or to get him to depend on her? Then, she splits and does other things.

Would you at least agree she needs men and people to depend on her because that literally makes most of the characteristics you wrote possible,

My2cents wrote:Is very concerned about how her friends, children, etc, make her look. If she has children, their morality is based on don't do anything that will reflect badly on mommy. If she values intelligence, all of her friends will be articulate and well-read. If she values appearance, all of her friends will be dressed fashionably. She doesn't want someone in her entourage that will make her look bad. But they can't upstage her either.

-All her failures are someone Else's fault. If her team lost the basketball game, it's because her teammate didn't pass her the ball more often. If she failed her history paper about how Martin Luther stole all of his ideas from John Calvin, it's because her professor is a Lutheran, not because she was wrong (that's just an example I made up). By the way, she knows at least as much about every subject as each of her professors.

-It's her way or the highway. Either she is running the show, or she is not interested.

-She might have plenty to say about other people. So-and-so is incompetent, crazy, ugly, rude, unfashionable . . . usually bad things about someone else. We all do it sometimes, but she does it more often.

-Absolutely hates being corrected on factual errors. If you're arguing, and she realizes you are right, you are sleeping on the couch tonight. If she is telling her friends she met you 7 months ago, and you say no it was 6 months ago, she will resent you for embarrassing her in front of her friends.

She could have any occupation, any physique, any religion, whatever. The important thing is to listen to what she says. She will say a sentence here or there which gives you a window into her thoughts. If you listen when she talks, once in a while she will say something and think nothing of it, but you might think it seems unusual.


If no one is on equal ground with her, all of the above can become a simple way of life for her.

Another point i want to mention is "infantization" and that if in fact the npd woman did infantize their men by somehow making their men depend on them (in small ways at first but major ways later), then this fits perfectly into why we see so much accurate information on NPD mothers. Because the npd woman infantizes her husbands/boyfriends in ways that almost makes it like they are the npd woman's children. There was some theory about parentalization/infantization that was well detailed about npd woman. One thing according to it was that the npd woman needs infantization in order for it to function at its full capacity. If infantization isn't there, then the npd woman will create it in subtle ways that appear to be out of their loving kind heart.

But I have never been with one.

My2cents wrote:She could have any occupation, any physique


Any physique? So you think it could be fair to say that out of bpd/npd/hpd that npd is the pd that we should pay the least amount of attention to physique to?

Another thing I have noticed is the npd's seem to love to give advice more than most people. In fact they say little unless it is connected to advice they are giving. This puts them "one up". They also appear to do a similiar technique by "suggesting" you have issues. So like,

"my2cents, what you said about ****makes me wonder if you have any issues with***".

So by them suggesting you have a problem or an issue, they can more readily put themself into the position of offering the solution.

Anyway, from what you're saying, the npd woman isn't much of a seductress. She isn't much of a "siren", she is more of a dictator. She is like a know it all drill instuctor of some type? As long as she isn't a seductress, I should be pretty safe from her :) . Lol, she probably tells women who do have good sex lives how their good sex life is a problem :lol: .

Well i don't know if i've rung any bells here. I still could be way off. I just see this one disorder obscure in women, but I see it as a set of traits that run powerfully through bpd and hpd. As for npd men, maybe it is the same. In other words maybe the same theories could be applied: They infantize the woman (by taking care of them offering all this security...just like a parent does a child), and then once that arrangement has been accepted, they feel they can do no wrong do matter what they do.

Is there a difference between a narcissist and someone with NPD?
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Re: The NPD Woman. What Is She Like?

Postby Antipas » Thu Sep 08, 2011 2:37 pm

Idk what NPD women are like but there are a lot of NPD men. Maybe find out from the women here who got involved with an NPD guy what he was like. Then try to recognize his attributes in certain women you may suspect have NPD? Certainly there couldn't be a difference between an NPD man and NPD woman could there?
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Re: The NPD Woman. What Is She Like?

Postby expressivecreative » Fri Sep 09, 2011 4:43 pm

I've always wondered about this. I know a woman who I believe to be NPD, and if she is the model case, the criteria would be very different then what some here have described.
1) She's very successful. Wildly so. And interesting, well-traveled, beautiful, fashionable, always put together, the life of the party. Extrovert extrovert extrovert.
2) Her image is everything. She rarely says anything negative about someone, unless they are outside her inner circle, and then only rarely. When you talk with her, she talks about you you you - gets you to open up with your dreams / fears, etc. She NEVER shares her own emotions and is terrified of intimacy.
3) She is a compulsive liar. Tells exotic tales that are obviously concocted to entertain. I've even caught her describing her emotions by repeating back to me what I had previously told her I FELT about something. She had a bad memory obviously.
4) All her friends are either beautiful, exceptionally talented, wealthy, or successful in some way.
5) Her allegiance is always to her male friends. Women are disposable.
6) If she has a history of failed relationships, nobody knows about it. Her ex-husband lives across country, and she admitted to me that she married him "for financial security." Her new husband is very successful, handsome, etc.
7) She seems so perfect it's like she's made a pact with the devil or something.
8) She has zero empathy for her friends. Won't lift a finger to help somebody - in fact, I suspect she may conspire to "get rid" of other attractive, successful females, particularly if they see through her act (I called her on her lying, for example and she became quite close to my boyfriend over time - until he dumped me).
9) Nobody really knows her - how she feels about anything. And she's super high IQ - brilliant, talented.

I would think the difference between NPD / HPD with women is emotionality. HPD's express what they truly feel - although these emotions shift so rapidly that they seem shallow to others. They will tell you what they feel before they tell you what they think. And I think HPD's are capable of empathy - some people actually prefer the term "empath" to "HPD" - although I think this varies. My mother was an HPD and she certainly had zero empathy when it came to me. She hated me and told me so quite often.

NPD's are cold and rarely share their "true" emotions. They will sometimes lie about their emotions, but you can spot it. The woman I've described would always take a deep breath before she answered a question about how she felt - and it was always a quip followed by a smile - hard to explain, but I could always spot it. My NPD ex boyfriend had an "empathy face" - I've got pictures of it. He uses it a lot. It's quite persuasive and suits his introverted personality - silence - empathy face while listening - silence. And he had a great smile which he often used to his advantage. But I swear the man did not feel a single emotion outside of envy, pride, and anger.

I don't know if this helps. I haven't met a lot of NPD women - and I work in academia. Most NPD's are male IMO.
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Re: The NPD Woman. What Is She Like?

Postby ravenseldoncat » Fri Sep 09, 2011 4:52 pm

Disclaimer: this is tongue in cheek. You don't have to take me seriously. But I believe there is some perspective in it about narcissism that brings up a point.

NPD Woman? Something you can call and speculate about an extremely unpleasant woman you've known who's personally taken pains to hurt you or one of your friends over reasons you can't fathom. You can always call her a bitch or a grotesquely unpleasant person, but you can really write her off when she's an NPD woman, and then she has no power to cause pain by memory anymore.
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Re: The NPD Woman. What Is She Like?

Postby expressivecreative » Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:29 pm

ravenseldoncat wrote:Disclaimer: this is tongue in cheek. You don't have to take me seriously. But I believe there is some perspective in it about narcissism that brings up a point.

NPD Woman? Something you can call and speculate about an extremely unpleasant woman you've known who's personally taken pains to hurt you or one of your friends over reasons you can't fathom. You can always call her a bitch or a grotesquely unpleasant person, but you can really write her off when she's an NPD woman, and then she has no power to cause pain by memory anymore.


'tis true. I really just hate the bit(h. :lol:
The woods are lovely, dark, and deep, / But I have promises to keep, / And miles to go before I sleep, / And miles to go before I sleep.

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Re: The NPD Woman. What Is She Like?

Postby Starsandstripes » Fri Sep 09, 2011 5:53 pm

I was roommates with a diagnosed NPD woman. The way I would describe her is...delusion. haha.

She thought she was very attractive when in fact she was mid 20's but looked 40. She thought she was the best lover to all men, she would openly talk about, borderline brag, about how she could manipulate people. She had ZERO empathy for hurting others and almost thought it was some kind of game. She was also very superficial, materialistic and yet would claim to be so simple and easy to please. She has friends, but no long term girlfriends, just guys. She also never came off as genuine. Oh, and she was very patronizing and belittling if she saw a weakness in you.
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Re: The NPD Woman. What Is She Like?

Postby orion13213 » Sat Sep 10, 2011 5:46 am

-She could be a somatic Narc, obsessed with her physical perfection, or a cerebral Narc, obsessed with her intellectual perfection.
-She would be more stable and hi function than her HPD sister, so she will fit into hi-pressure professional occupations better.
-HPD's often have a light, higher pitched gigly little girl tone to their speach, whereas the NPD woman has a cooler, deeper, slower style and tone.
-The Narc woman is intensely focused ego-inward (it's all about her), and unless you enjoy being a sycophant and servile she is an emotional drain to be around. Her HPD sister will have a lighter, more extroverted feel, and she will give you more of a morale boost, at least every now and then (albeit by way of her manipulations).
-Narc women are more one-dimensional actresses, staying inside a kind of bubble like-shield that presents perfection and prevents them from ever becoming self-aware, or at least letting others see too deep inside. Similar, though not as intense as BPD women, HPD women are more behaviorally variable, with episodic windows of warmth, sincerity, insight, depression, crying, dissociation, and emotional turmoil, contrasting with their day to day equilibrium of acting out a variety of roles, lying, and narcissisitic behavior.
-One important feature about a narcissistic woman will be her thoughts, as revealed in her speach: when not on guard, she will use "mine," "my," "me," and especially "I," language, far more often than the HPD woman.
-The Non male in a relationship with a Narc woman is more likely to feel disgust, anger, hatred, etc. It will take far longer to get over the damage she inflicted on you than if she was HPD. The periodic childlike helplessness and occaisional depression seen in HPD's tends to make them seem vulnerable and should instigate pity and mitigate the anger you have.

Both conditions when comorbid NPD / HPD (scary!!!). Also, possibly the same: the Disingenuous Histrionic...Histrionic with anti-social features.

Note that the latest DSM views NPD in the same dimension as AsPD while HPD is in a different line - a more functional form of BPD.
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