Pretending I Don’t Care

A few months ago, there was a thread along the lines of Pretending I Care.

Alas, I can tell you, at times, that I do pretend I care.

There are also some rare times where I pretend that I don’t care. Those times are when I have fallen for someone – fallen too deep, too far – and I fear rejection. Usually, there is something that triggers in a relationship – an insecurity created by my partner not paying enough attention to me, paying too much attention to another guy, acting stand off-ish with me… Just anything that gives me reason to fear that I might be rejected.

I won’t go into a jealous rage. I won’t (act) sad. I will (appear to) be happy.

I will begin to distance myself from the one I care about. I will begin to Exit A before they can do it to me.

I will pretend I won’t care.

I will stay with them – and usually cheat. I have come to realize the cheating is not just an emotional form of validation – I am trying to convince myself that I don’t care. And, you know what? Usually, I am very successful and convincing myself (I have hated myself for cheating immediately afterwards sometimes for doing it and on some occasions even thought to myself "WTF am I doing?" in the middle of the deed and couldn't wait to end it).

For months I have been analyzing myself. I realize that my attitude towards myself and the things I have done has changed in the past few months (a large part of that from reading experiences on this forum and realizing “that’s me” as well as entering therapy).

When I have acted out towards my relationship partner: cheated, treated them like crap, lied, bagged them out to all of their friends and mine, destroyed their lives – it wasn’t because I didn’t care. It was because I did care. But, my inner self-esteem is so weak, I was not only trying to convince all of my friends that I didn’t care (whenever I ended a relationship I always had to portray the image that it never worried me at all and I am all fine, having fun and full of life) – I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t care about them. You know? I have realized now… Most times I succeeded. I did manage to convince myself.

The worse I treated someone – it was because the more I was hurt. No one… And I mean no one on this earth was to ever know I was hurt though when a relationship I was in, ended. The image was always that I am “the life of the party” – in my case – the party boy. On the outside was the most ultra-confident guy who was surrounded by all these female hanger-on-erers after I ended a relationship. I would sleep with most of them. Come 3am, even months after the relationship ended… For a fleeting moment – I would burn inside because I knew I still cared – until a reflex action kicked in and I learnt to block it out again and pretend that I don’t care.

Your post definitely provided more insight with my ex gf. She also seem to have dumped when I started to act a tad bit distant. She asked if I was going to break up with her. I ensure her that I wasn't, but she ended up dumping me the next day despite saying she wanted to see me during the weekend. I was kept around for a few weeks after the break up then discarded. Your description of pretending not to care seems to hit the mark. Regardless I think it's a good thing that you are being introspective Caster. Hopefully one day you will get that inner confidence and will find some inner peace within yourself.

LightZero wrote:Your post definitely provided more insight with my ex gf. She also seem to have dumped when I started to act a tad bit distant. She asked if I was going to break up with her. I ensure her that I wasn't, but she ended up dumping me the next day despite saying she wanted to see me during the weekend. I was kept around for a few weeks after the break up then discarded. Your description of pretending not to care seems to hit the mark. Regardless I think it's a good thing that you are being introspective Caster. Hopefully one day you will get that inner confidence and will find some inner peace within yourself.

Why do you think she asked if you would break up with her? My guess would be that she was projecting that SHE wanted to break up onto you.

CptSaveAho wrote:Why do you think she asked if you would break up with her? My guess would be that she was projecting that SHE wanted to break up onto you.

She asked that because I was being extra quiet and a little distant around her on Valentine day. She had a worried and panic expression on her face when she asked. Usually when she tries to break up with me (her push/pull tactic) there is a build up and she starts acting distant. However, there was no major hint before she ended things with me. When I told her I wasn't, she said "good and hope you don't." After she dump me the next day, she came running back to talk to me a few hours later. She led me on with the possibility of getting her back for a few weeks until she found a suitable replacement. Scarlett believes that she was afraid I was going to break up with her first so she struck before I could.

LightZero wrote:

CptSaveAho wrote:Why do you think she asked if you would break up with her? My guess would be that she was projecting that SHE wanted to break up onto you.

She asked that because I was being extra quiet and a little distant around her on Valentine day. She had a worried and panic expression on her face when she asked. Usually when she tries to break up with me (her push/pull tactic) there is a build up and she starts acting distant. However, there was no major hint before she ended things with me. When I told her I wasn't, she said "good and hope you don't." After she dump me the next day, she came running back to talk to me a few hours later. She led me on with the possibility of getting her back for a few weeks until she found a suitable replacement. Scarlett believes that she was afraid I was going to break up with her first so she struck before I could.

Yeah, that sensitivity definitely sounds HPD. Of course if you do it, you're "paranoid, jealous" or whatnot. That sounds really cold. She probably had a few guys lined up anyway, she just wasnt going to break up with you until she thought you would first. Women in general and HPD's in particular usually don't break up until they have options ready, thats why they beg you to take them back if YOU dump them first.

CptSaveAho wrote:Yeah, that sensitivity definitely sounds HPD. Of course if you do it, you're "paranoid, jealous" or whatnot. That sounds really cold. She probably had a few guys lined up anyway, she just wasnt going to break up with you until she thought you would first. Women in general and HPD's in particular usually don't break up until they have options ready, thats why they beg you to take them back if YOU dump them first.

That was the weird thing. I gave her the chance to be left alone after she dump me, but she wanted to keep talking to me. Things could had ended on good terms if she didn't decide to turn her back on me by sending a lame cop-out text saying she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. She kept on refusing to tell me why so I could move forward. Anyway my ex definitely did the begging with my predecessor whom she cheated on.

CptSaveAho wrote:
Why do you think she asked if you would break up with her? My guess would be that she was projecting that SHE wanted to break up onto you.

She would have been panic-stricken that you were going to leave.

HPDs have no rationale. No sense of patience. If there is a problem - it needs addressing now.

At that stage... HPDs don't need distance... They need reassurance by the truckload and within hours... Leaving it to the next day maybe too late. You do not let a HPD sleep on a problem like this - because, they won't sleep. They will be up all night thinking about the horror that is about to ensue. Internally, when they fear so much that it is about to end... It is a war that sets off inside them. They need to bring out all the troops and get them out fast otherwise they are going to get hurt in the bloodbath.

I've been in that situation... Within hours of feeling like I am going to be dumped - I would have contacted every ex, every member of the fan club, every person I could think of. Then, the person who pays me the most attention in the next 48 hours combined with the one with the highest social value - wins.

Then... I pretend I don't care anymore.

cacster wrote:I've been in that situation... Within hours of feeling like I am going to be dumped - I would have contacted every ex, every member of the fan club, every person I could think of. Then, the person who pays me the most attention in the next 48 hours combined with the one with the highest social value - wins.

Then... I pretend I don't care anymore.

I think I have noticed that many years ago with a histrionic woman. She was dumped by her super hunk boyfriend, hooked up with my best friend, she knew for days, dumped him a week later, when her boyfriend took her back. He simply was the nearest replacement.

cacaster, your thread offers extremely valuable insight.

EDIT:

And it kills the one who has upset the panicking person, because he sees how easily replacable he is.
And that certainly makes thing worse if his intention was not to dump the person, but simply to tell him necessary but perhaps upsetting things or to persue his own needs.

And it kills the one who has upset the panicking person, because he sees how easily replacable he is.

Because in any relationship, the partner who cares least is the dominant partner (in other words, the one doing the majority of the caring is submissive).

HPDs are experts at either genuinely not caring or pretending that they don't care. Hence, they always dominate the power control of the relationship.