When a HPD says "Goodbye" does she mean it?

No folks I am not regressing, but I am curious. When she says "goodbye" does she mean it? or do they play games and in fact WANT you to contact them again? Believe me I will NOT contact mine after what happened in April...cold shoulder etc. But I DO wonder if they REALLY want to be contacted again?

Why did she say goodbye? What led up to it? Mine has said goodbye a few times when she realized she couldn't push my buttons. Or, when I tried to create an environment operant conditioning where I would respond to her with the same timeliness and attention she put into me. All that led to was her responding less timely, less attention and finally once-a-month one liners. It was like a game of chicken. She could not choose the option which held what she claimed she wanted (more attention, more frequent contact). That led to "goodbye."

Six months later she was back, prefaced with "I'm sorry if I hurt you" sounding like it came from a one of those dolls where you pull the string and they deliver a pre-recorded response. And then it quickly turned into the never-ending diaogue ("I'm hanging in there. This went wrong. That went wrong. I had a severe case of Athelete's Foot and they thought they would have to amputate. It was touch and go for a few weeks. I think I'll lose my job next week. How are you?").

So, it would depend on what led up to the goodbye. She may feel the game has reached that point and, given the choices (playing the game on her terms, or communicating honestly) the only move she has is to leave. I'm sure she'll be back. "Set up the chess board. I'm ready for a new game."

Are we working on the assumption that every one of them is exactly the same? It seems that way...

HarveyDent wrote:Are we working on the assumption that every one of them is exactly the same? It seems that way...

I think we talking in generalities because the disorder itself is a generalization of behaviors where an individual doesn't have to show all behaviors, and may fall into Millon's subtypes.

For example, after writing my post I realized my friend is probably the appeasing subtype with greater emphasis on dependency. That would explain why she never struck me as the forward, brash, seductress as the typical HPD is depicted. She's more emotionally/cognitively seductive, causing the other person to take the lead. When given the choice to have more or less of what she says she wants (closeness with the other person) she refuses to choose. She requires the other person to choose, and they're responsible for the outcome. She'll only encourage them through her come ons which sound like dry begging for more closeness.

It's hard to qualify every post with a Surgeon General's warning. But, you're right that it's easy to sound insensitive when describing behaviors, or my friend as "my HPD." Maybe I should write a blog entry using this site's new features to explain where I'm coming from. And use each post's signature field as a footnote "See my blog for qualifications of my meanings."

joliver54 wrote:But I DO wonder if they REALLY want to be contacted again?

They want to know that you're pining for them, thinking about them all day, losing sleep, unable to move on... that all she'd have to do is wiggle that little finger and you'd come running in for another round of humiliation and abuse. They desperately want to be wanted, which of course has nothing to do with wanting you. So yea, I'm sure she'd appreciate the reassurance.

Thank God I am no longer pining and I am sleeping like a baby....zzzzzzzz. !!

Perhaps I might shed some light on this one.

There are several possible scenarios that this could be.

First of all if YOU all of a sudden broke it off with HER and she had no idea why, she might keep finding suttle ways or maybe even NOT so suttle to get in your head, your line of vision, or area where you hang out or work or play. That way you can't possibly forget about her because she is "just there".

And she would feel you out just to see how you act and find a way if she could to bring up "what happenened" if the time arises for that.

She wont' even really stop to think much, I don't believe, that you would have all of a sudden broke it off with her for things that SHE DID to cause you to do that.

Now if SHE broke it off with you, that can be several different things as well.

If she broke it off with you because she was already devaluing you when you got too serious with HER, then sometimes yes she will stick to no contact. But sometimes she will not depending on what other sources she has boosting her ego or just beginning if she met someone new. BUT she will still want to know that you are missing her, wanting her, and needing her. Even if you don't talk anymore, this is what is going through her mind more than likely. The wanting to be loved and needed although there is something standing in the way that she can no longer be with you.

Or like with Captains situation, even though they "said goodbye" as lovers or whatever, she wanted to cool it down and still remain friends and put Capt in the FRIEND zone, where he would still have to hear about all of her NEW sources and conquests and he has no right to be jealous or upset with her BECAUSE afterall, "they are just friends". And she would act SHOCKED if Capt says hes irritated with her because she flaunts all these new guys in front of him. She STILL wants to know that Capt. WANTS, LOVES, ADORES, NEEDS HER and by trying to make him jealous, she gets the satisfaction of knowing she could have him back if she wants to. This doesn't really mean that Capt WILL or WOULD ever take her back, it is only WHAT IS IN HER MIND.

Now there are times that the HP really and truly cares for someone and when they agree to split ways because they can't make it work, she will FORCE herself to go complete no contact even though she thinks about him ALL of the time. This is where I do believe that HPs CAN love even if it is a bit flawed. Even if the guy wants to remain friends she can't do it because it would hurt her to know ANYTHING about him or his happiness or new interests or loves that he will have. But she does want reassurance that he feels this same way about her too and just can't believe that he DOESN'T feel the same about her. But although she wants to know this, she does NOTHING to gain that knowledge because if she breaks the NC, it will only hurt both of them in the long run. Sometimes you just can't make it work no matter if you love someone or not. Now this last part is just me. I am not extreme, and I can KNOW that I am hurting someone by staying in their life and if I care about them enough I will just leave them alone. I have had only a small 2 or 3 guys/men in my life that I cared enough to leave them alone, let them heal and move on with their life. I would not do ANYTHING to contact them, or go where they go, or take a chance on ever running into them for fear of falling back into a toxic relationship(mostly on my part) or hurting them. I don't think a lot of HPs do this as a lot of them do lack empathy, but trust me, there are those out there like me that do the same as me, and we will just let them go for good. And if we hear something about them moving on through friends or whatever, be happy for them that they can truly be happy.

Hope this helps.

but there is NO clear cut answer here joliver because every HP is different with different views, denial, and whatever other PD they have mixed in with HP.
Scarlett

Scarlett1939 wrote:
Now there are times that the HP really and truly cares for someone and when they agree to split ways because they can't make it work, she will FORCE herself to go complete no contact even though she thinks about him ALL of the time. This is where I do believe that HPs CAN love even if it is a bit flawed. Even if the guy wants to remain friends she can't do it because it would hurt her to know ANYTHING about him or his happiness or new interests or loves that he will have. But she does want reassurance that he feels this same way about her too and just can't believe that he DOESN'T feel the same about her. But although she wants to know this, she does NOTHING to gain that knowledge because if she breaks the NC, it will only hurt both of them in the long run. Sometimes you just can't make it work no matter if you love someone or not. Now this last part is just me. I am not extreme, and I can KNOW that I am hurting someone by staying in their life and if I care about them enough I will just leave them alone. I have had only a small 2 or 3 guys/men in my life that I cared enough to leave them alone, let them heal and move on with their life. I would not do ANYTHING to contact them, or go where they go, or take a chance on ever running into them for fear of falling back into a toxic relationship(mostly on my part) or hurting them. I don't think a lot of HPs do this as a lot of them do lack empathy, but trust me, there are those out there like me that do the same as me, and we will just let them go for good. And if we hear something about them moving on through friends or whatever, be happy for them that they can truly be happy.

Almost sounds like a possible scenario for my own situation. As we discuss before my ex breaking up with me was so sudden compared to all her other push/pull attempts. She kept me around after she dumped me and outright tell me she still has some feelings left. She never truly led me on but she didn't turned down the idea of getting back together either. One day after she spoke to a mutual friend, she told me that she probably should let me go and don't want to be the reason I get depress. For two weeks she ignored me (probably working on the new pawn). Then one day she told me that she doesn't want talk to me or pursue a relationship anymore. I could accept that she didn't want try again (at least for the time being), but it was weird that she didn't want me to call or text her. I knew I didn't do anything to upset her. Of course she was seeing a new guy. Which was strange because she asked me how would I feel if she started seeing someone else a few weeks prior as a hypothetical question. Even during the past push/pull moments she would say stuff like she feels that she's not being a good gf for me and that she doesn't want to hurt me like she did her ex. I was ignorant of what she was and didn't think she was that bad of a gf at the time. According to the same mutual friend she likes to avoid talking about me to others. I once notice on her FB she still had pictures of us and we been apart for 4 months.

So what are your thoughts on this Scarlett?

I do and have done both....sometimes I mean it and sometimes it just to scare you.

LightZero wrote:

Scarlett1939 wrote:
Now there are times that the HP really and truly cares for someone and when they agree to split ways because they can't make it work, she will FORCE herself to go complete no contact even though she thinks about him ALL of the time. This is where I do believe that HPs CAN love even if it is a bit flawed. Even if the guy wants to remain friends she can't do it because it would hurt her to know ANYTHING about him or his happiness or new interests or loves that he will have. But she does want reassurance that he feels this same way about her too and just can't believe that he DOESN'T feel the same about her. But although she wants to know this, she does NOTHING to gain that knowledge because if she breaks the NC, it will only hurt both of them in the long run. Sometimes you just can't make it work no matter if you love someone or not. Now this last part is just me. I am not extreme, and I can KNOW that I am hurting someone by staying in their life and if I care about them enough I will just leave them alone. I have had only a small 2 or 3 guys/men in my life that I cared enough to leave them alone, let them heal and move on with their life. I would not do ANYTHING to contact them, or go where they go, or take a chance on ever running into them for fear of falling back into a toxic relationship(mostly on my part) or hurting them. I don't think a lot of HPs do this as a lot of them do lack empathy, but trust me, there are those out there like me that do the same as me, and we will just let them go for good. And if we hear something about them moving on through friends or whatever, be happy for them that they can truly be happy.

Almost sounds like a possible scenario for my own situation. As we discuss before my ex breaking up with me was so sudden compared to all her other push/pull attempts. She kept me around after she dumped me and outright tell me she still has some feelings left. She never truly led me on but she didn't turned down the idea of getting back together either. One day after she spoke to a mutual friend, she told me that she probably should let me go and don't want to be the reason I get depress. For two weeks she ignored me (probably working on the new pawn). Then one day she told me that she doesn't want talk to me or pursue a relationship anymore. I could accept that she didn't want try again (at least for the time being), but it was weird that she didn't want me to call or text her. I knew I didn't do anything to upset her. Of course she was seeing a new guy. Which was strange because she asked me how would I feel if she started seeing someone else a few weeks prior as a hypothetical question. Even during the past push/pull moments she would say stuff like she feels that she's not being a good gf for me and that she doesn't want to hurt me like she did her ex. I was ignorant of what she was and didn't think she was that bad of a gf at the time. According to the same mutual friend she likes to avoid talking about me to others. I once notice on her FB she still had pictures of us and we been apart for 4 months.

So what are your thoughts on this Scarlett?

It must be rough because your situation is so unique, the HPD that actually gave up. I mean I'm sure they do what they did to Joliver pretty often, but he was outer circle. You were her actual primary supplier. Its possible that she was just not that hardcore of a HPD and acted more like a normal girl would act. Plenty of college girls do what she did as far as branch swinging relationships. Although, you said you guys broke up alot, maybe you didnt realize it but those were just her devaluation/revaluation cycles. They get rid of just about EVERYONE, eventually.

Not saying she is not HPD though, if she didnt fit the DSM traits then you wouldnt be here. You said she was slutty and did a major downgrade on the new chump, those are also anecdotal evidence for HPD.