Why do we exes of HPD's go on caring about them?

This strikes me as a good end of year topic, because I find myself still on this forum a good 7 or 8 months after breaking up with my HPD ex, and do not want to be on here at the end of 2011 too. I really want to put her behind me.

Here's my question: Why do we go on thinking about our HPD exes, for longer than we think about other exes? And why does that thought remain accompanied by heart-ache? How long does it take to get over this?

Don't get me wrong: I know what I feel for her is (thank God) no longer love. The love started ebbing away quite soon after the break-up, thanks in part to the knowledge I gained from this forum. I certainly feel a lot better than I did last summer. When I ran into my HPD ex recently, she was in the middle of re-valuing me, because I had (and have) been so cold to her for so long. She looked great. And yet I had zero desire to get back together with her, zero desire for physical intimacy or even to hold her hand. I have not initiated contact with her since July. So that part is over.

The problem is, I still think about her every day, wonder what she's doing, and every day towards evening it gets me down. Nor am I free from feeling a certain jealousy in regard to the guys she's sleeping with. No jealousy for the "steady" sucker who is in my old role, the poor devil, but for the young craigslisters who are getting what I never got: a night or two of straightforward, honest physicality. For them she's a weekend of fun, a beautiful woman they can remember with self-congratulation, and they get to move on - I envy that. I wish I could have been one of those guys, instead of the guy reliable, middle-aged and financially successful enough to merit the full Trip to Hell treatment.

Today I got a merry Christmas email from her. One and a half lines, all lower case letters, really worse than no email at all. I'm sure she's angry she didn't get a present from me like last year. I wrote back in the same way - but not before first writing a longer email, thinking about every sentence. I deleted it in time. But I've been thinking of this damn email all day.

So why do I still feel this way? What I had with my HPD was a lie from the start. Quite literally: she was posting on craigslist and staying overnight at another guy's house (as I later found out) from our very first whirlwind week. So it wasn't a relationship that went bad, like so many of the relationships I read about here. Incidentally, I envy the non's who at least can look back on some kind of honeymoon type period when the HPD really was focused on them. (If indeed they were; I'm a little skeptical.) Anyway, if what we had was one big lie, nothing really, then why do I continue thinking about her? And it's not just me. I can see others on this forum who are obviously in the same boat.

Because it was pure fantasy that somehow merged with the perception of reality, creating a dissonance that can't easily be resolved.

imho

all of us keep thinking about our exes untill we find new love

a very good remedy is to get our selves extremely buisy with friends and activiteis

try to have a long leave and travel abroad

each time you remember her get her out of your mind and think about somehting good or positive

time after time and within a few weeks you well get over her

i finished my emotional affair with my hpd ex

a month ago and i feel much much better now i do think about her a little bit

but there is no more jeallousy about her any more

and that is the most important part of it all

Santa Fe, Phoenic - thanks. Both very good points.

As for the dissonance between fantasy and reality: I definitely think that's a big part of it. What my HPD ex and I had was, objectively speaking, nothing at all, not all that different, in terms of her emotional involvement, from what a prostitute does when guaranteeing the "girlfriend experience." And yet it felt like everything! I can't recall that time without a) my brain realizing it was nothing and b) my heart remembering that it was everything. And in fairness, it was closer to a "girlfriend experience" than one could get with a hooker, because with a hooker you know from the start it's fake.

As for needing a new lover to truly move on, that makes perfect sense too. I just haven't found someone yet. I do notice that even when I think I might be interested in someone, thoughts of the HPD ex recede into the background. But it wasn't like this after my previous separation, though I was single for quite a while after that too.

compton wrote:Here's my question: Why do we go on thinking about our HPD exes, for longer than we think about other exes? And why does that thought remain accompanied by heart-ache? How long does it take to get over this?

Anyway, if what we had was one big lie, nothing really, then why do I continue thinking about her? And it's not just me. I can see others on this forum who are obviously in the same boat.

These are great questions that we all us nons have pondered as we recovered from being with a destructive broken soul. Here is what I have discovered in my own journey:

You had an intimate relationship with this person. Through this experience you developed some strong bonds of affection. You have to keep in mind that these bonds involve activity in the parts of the brain that are outside of our conscious awareness. These bonds are also not easily subject to conscious control. Couple this with the fact that you were conned by a seriously disordered individual and thus severely abused. Anytime we are abused it causes trauma, and that kind of trauma can linger far longer than we ever wanted

Sexual intimacy especially produces bonding. There are hormones released during sex that go right to the bonding parts of the brain and turn them on. Since sex with an HPD is often more illusionary and intense, so is the bonding.

After some bonding is already established, fear and anxiety increase the bonding(When they begin to reveal they are insane and you begin the roller-coaster ride to hell). This is responsible for the Stockholm Syndrome, a syndrome where victims feel bonded to attackers. Hpd's know how to suck you in withseduction and sex, then intensify the bond by creating fear and anxiety.

Although we cannot consciously undo the bond, we can consciously decide not to act on our feelings. This is why going NC is so very critical. Fortunately, humans are designed to be serial monogamists. That means will be bonded for the life of the other, not for life. With time these bonds fade if the other is gone. That is because in the past people frequently outlived their partners. I can say for sure that time does heal this wound, provided depression and symptoms of PTSD are addressed.

Dr. Joseph Carver is a person whose work helped me immensley to heal. His readings gave me a clear understanding of what kind of abuse I went through while being with an HPD. Please look up his readings on the internet for they will help clarify those last bit of understanding you want in order to fully heal

One of his readings has to do with what he calls 'The stockholm syndrome'. This is EXACTLY what you are now experiencing and it is the main reason why you still have the HPD in your mind. It is also the reason why the break-up process with HPD's takes longer than in other normal relationship break-ups. Here is a link of Carver's that will help answer your questions

http://www.mental-health-matters.com/in ... cle&id=167

Your on the right track Compton. Just keep believing in yourself and your process. Eventually that faith in yourself will guide you with eventual clarity out of this misery. Keep the faith and keep moving forward with re-designing your life

All the best

compton wrote:As for needing a new lover to truly move on, that makes perfect sense too. I just haven't found someone yet. I do notice that even when I think I might be interested in someone, thoughts of the HPD ex recede into the background. But it wasn't like this after my previous separation, though I was single for quite a while after that too.

You gotta give yourself that time to heal. Taking a break from dating by first rebuilding your life is a powerful and meaningful thing. Your basically showing yourself that you matter, and that you will not ever allow your abuser to get the best of you. To live your life well is what you must strive for...

When I initially began to date compton, sure I had some residual thoughts of the HPD. However, once you find the right person you will be amazed how quickly that recedes. More importantly, you will begin to feel again what real true love is really like. That mutual trust, honor, and respect for each other is actually reciprocal and the love you share is authentic, deep, and exclusive. I know it may seem hard to see right now, but it will blow your mind having that real love back in your life! Knowing that your lady is authentic and what she gives back is real is just incredible, especially after being conned by a personality disorder

Keep your faith in your healing and keep moving forward. Very good things await you

While my difficult interactions have been with at least one man ( senseThe connection created feels real...
The let down, like an elevated cut from its cables, is a shock.... a sense that your deepest worth is truly recognized by another, desirable partner...
Not only do we want for ourselves to believe that the initial connection was somehow real and meaningful, but we want to believe that the intimate and sensitive person we were connecting with really exists in there, somewhere... that it was not simply a mask, but the real person is trying to express him/herself...

I like to continue to believe that it's not a black or white issue, but simply something that cannot come to fruition in this context. And all we can do is carry on the healthiest paths for ourselves, wishing this ex-partner well, but extraneous to our own purposeful paths of growth.
With great compassion and wishes for a happier new year,
Mindful.

@compton
I share the same feelings with you. Im glad you brought this up because I was thinking the same thing. My ex rang me on Xmas day, she first talked about mundane things like the weather and such. Then, I asked her how she was. She said she was sad and lonely and missed me. I told her I can't be with a person who keeps seeing other men, while we're in a relationship. She snapped, with an angry voice told me, "its passion", "its not just sticking it in". I just couldn't believe I was listening to this. I told her I had to go and hung up. Now she has made me start thinking of her constantly. No contact is the only way if Im ever going to move on.

@mywave
I really liked your posts. Lately I've been thinking about what it would be like having a relationship with another woman, and how it must be so nice to be with someone that reciprocates your love and trust. I'd be looking at other couples in public thinking to myself one day when Im healed enough this woman will come. mywave you gave me hope in your posts, thanks.

May all your wishes come true in 2011.

earthrooster

They treated you like crap...face it.

Getting over any kind of love takes times. It is a proven fact of mankind. They were nothing special.

Time heals all. If you can't handle it, than it is your issue. It shouldn't take that long!!! If it does....than go get help. No longer thier fault, but yours. The mind is a powerful thing. Both in healing and not letting go. That's your choice and no one elses.

They were just lying slvts, So why stay in it metally, whether with them or not. Build your own life.

Sorry to be blunt, but...in my opinion the truth. To stay obsessed , is unhealthty...

Okherewego -
Thanks. It's ok to be blunt. And I agree with you! My rational mind agrees wholeheartedly that she does not merit my attention. The problem is I can't keep thoughts of her from returning every day.
If I didn't think it was unhealthy I wouldn't have asked for help on here.

Mywave, Earthrooster, Mindful -

Thanks for those responses. Stockholm syndrome: I always thought survivors of HPD exes who talked about that were exaggerating, being melodramatic. Now I'm not sure. She really has done something to my psyche, at a level that I can't think consciously about or understand. Stockholm syndrome could well be it.

I have just read through a diary that I kept sporadically throughout my relationship with my HPD ex. It is absolutely mind-boggling reading the crap I endured month in, month out, only for me to keep jumping through hoops for her. Damn, even the good times with her weren't that great. They sure didn't go on for long. But how little pride I had! I found out that she had been meeting guys off of craigslist for all the time we were together, and a week later I was begging her to come on a trip with me. It really was just as crazy as some abducted girl wanting to stay with her kidnapper.

The emphasis on NC ... I think I really needed to hear that. I had been under the mistaken impression that NC is necessary in order to keep HPD exes from sucking their men back in. But I was - and am - confident of my ability to resist her forever. So I thought, "hey, I don't need NC as much as these other guys who aren't as strong as I am. I have no desire for her anymore. I can control the contact." And I can.

Yet now I realize that the NC is necessary to move beyond her completely. Problem is: there really is no such thing as No Contact, because they can always contact us, can't they? I blocked her on my phone - but my phone registers the blocked calls. And even if I don't respond to her emails (usually I don't) they bring her back to the front of my mind, just as happened to earthrooster.
Anyway, not responding to her contact is going to take me a big step forward. Because if I never answer she's bound to give up soon.
Thanks again guys for the support.
Happy New Year to everyone -