Do HPD's really love?

My HPD certainly showed signs of infatuation and such, and bragged that she'd had 19 guys.

I was number 20, and apparently selected to be the "provider". We were college kids, and she talked about "marriage" within two weeks of our meeting, and falling in "love". I let her contol the whole relationship....... and she planned the wedding etc. But, by the time of the wedding she had cooled off a lot, and was treating me about like dirt.........however I thought she was just miserable from living with her NPD father and cold but normal mother. And I thought the love and happiness would return when we were together!

Boy was I wrong!

Well we got "married", but she immediately said that we had made a big mistake. This was because my family didn't give us any money, and she didn't have the maturity or wisdom to wait. So she did the next best thing.........she threw herself at a new "Prince Charming" within a few days.

and the rest is history..............


SO........ my question........... Can an HPD/NPD really love anyone?

Yes. Yes we can. And just like non's it takes time and maturity to learn how to love. Perhaps it takes longer with some HPD's than others but that can also be applied to non's as well. In addition, there may be some HPD's that can never learn to love but again, that may be said for some non's as well.

What about a really hard-core HPD/NPD...........how can he/she love without empathy?

A little Wisernow wrote:What about a really hard-core HPD/NPD...........how can he/she love without empathy?

Of course we can love. Our love is just different. Not bad or wrong, but also not yours.

I believe so. If I had not fell in love I would have never began to know myself/dislikes/likes and personality traits which in turn led to me finding out about HPD. It could take me years to love/trust someone. That is where the problem occurs. I've never maintained a serious relationship for more than a year and a half. The person that I loved it was on and off over half of my life so I do truly love that person. But most won't put up with the behaviors. Even if she had stayed you would have eventually left her anyways (most likely). I believe my mother to have HPD as well and though she was unhappy with my father she seems to be in a loving relationship now, someone to bicker with and someone that stands up to her better than dad did. She seems happy with it. That is the main phrase in everything I have read so far about the disorder that makes me so sad "may never be able to have a lasting and meaningful relationship" especially since its the one thing I've always wanted. My brother pointed mom out to me when I was talking about how much that upset me. He also asked if I've found happiness and if I believe my life has been worth living. I believe it has. I've been many places around the world and studied about lots of things and helped lots of people. One of the things past lovers have told me is that I need to learn how to love myself. That is what I am working toward. Getting in a good place where I can be comfortable with myself. I have always judged myself ten times harsher than anyone else will ever be able to. Also, they say that I need to learn the difference from sex and love. I have never learned to be intimate. I've realized that I am able to open up better now. I never really opened up to anyone before him, not even my best friend that I have known for 18 years. I never spoke of my family issues or anything like that before now. No intimacy. I have always cared for the men in my life though. I don't believe I'm NPD though exept those traits which overlap. Anyways, yes I believe so.

jean

Ya don't know what smokin' means til you've been loved by a HPD.

Santa Fe, i liked your post. I needed a laugh.

Love is such a broad term that the question as put is too vague, almost meaningless.
I would ask it this way (to Normajean as well):
Do HPDs ever love their partner to the extent that he is the only man they want? And for more than a week or two?

Compton,

Sorry this wound up being really really long. If you want skip to the middle and find your answer...
Compton,

I've never cheated on anyone I have been in a serious relationship with. I think it's because I saw so much of it when I was young and how much pain that brought on to all involved. Children, spouse ect. My mother cheated on my father three times in the 20 years they were married, at least the ones I figured out. My best friend as a small child, her mother cheated on her father with a Deccan. I was told not to tell with them all. So I didn't. I also have never wanted anyone that didn't want me or anyone in a relationship. No attraction to my friends husbands ect. I read about a lot of cheating but I think that where I saw so much of it as a child that I have blockers up against this. Granted I haven't been in many serious relationships. I've been proposed to twice but all I could say was "I'm not ready" I say the same thing when they ask me to be saved, but now I am ready for that. The first man cheated on me and I knew I just never said anything to him or questioned him about it, I guess because it kept me from having to be serious, or because I thought it was the best I could do or a mixture of both. The second man I believe him now to have BPD. His dad beat his mother and he had broke his ex wife's back and was married another time and never told me for the first year we were together. I had a feeling he would have beat me if we were to have gotten married. After that relationship ended I didn’t try anymore. I dated a few men. One told me he thought I would be too much to keep up with, yet now that he is in a serious relationship with someone keeps trying to go out with me. We never made it to sex and I think that bothers him. I felt very uncomfortable when he used to IM and text me all of the time. I had to end the friendship, inadvertently. I quit logging onto anywhere he could IM me. I felt horrible like I was doing something really bad by talking to him because he kept being sexual and he had a girlfriend. Another I caught having sex with his brothers girlfriend in the bathroom, he showed sym ptoms of Antisocial personality and we got along great but he lied and I could always read when he was lying. After that I just kind of gave up for awhile and started seeing the same men over and over until this year. I think because they already know and accept me. And I really screwed up that new relationship by my behaviors to where I’m sure he is wishing to have never met me. I didn’t want to but with all that has been going on with me he was kind of caught in the middle. Well and finally, here is an answer to your question. When I am in a serious relationship I only desire that man. It is my own insecurities, obsessive behaviors, pulling drama out of my dysfunctional brain, comparing to past relationships, pushing away and pulling back in and dwelling on each situation that drives men away. No, I don’t want them to leave me. I’ve always wanted to be saved/protected. I’ve always chosen to date men much larger than me with deep voices. There is that incest undertone, I suppose. I was always afraid of my father’s deep voice and now that I am older I find a man with a deep voice very appealing. I guess with me I’ve always wanted to be with just one man. Get married have babies and settle down. I don’t know that that will ever happen with me. I honestly don’t think that any of the men I have dated or been with would say that everything is my fault. When my exes run into each other they say that I am a good person and tell the other to treat me well. I have been told that anyways. They always know each other because I have always kept contact. It was not unusual for a boyfriend to come over while an ex was visiting. The sad thing I never once thought how the other would feel by this. I know that they wonder about me often, and I have contact with all that I have ever dated except the one I thought would beat me. They call and email to ask if I am doing ok. Some have told me that they weren’t good enough for me and I always thought that it meant they just didn’t care about me or as a way to kindly get rid of me. I realize that as an Adult Child of Alcoholics that I put on an air of perfection. I want everything to be perfect and when it’s not I can’t take it, I work and work and work until whatever is wrong is fixed. When I run into men I went to high school with they look at me in awe the fact that I’m not married. They say they can’t believe I’m not yet. My thinking is so faulty. I always think everything is because of me, that I wasn’t attractive enough or that I was there to answer every phone call and didn’t let them chase enough, but it turns out it’s my behavior and my actions.
I have dated one guy that was able to stop my behaviors. He had no problems telling me how I was acting and telling me to stop it. I had no problems listening to him. He was so kind to me. He answered every text. He didn’t judge me. He was firm with me and kind. He was extremely honest about how I made him feel when I acted the way I did. But he is a few years younger than me and I believe he still hasn’t explored all that is out there and that the grass is always greener. He never wanted anything serious.
Anyways, I hoped this helped? I don’t think I will ever learn to be concise. I wish to concentrate more on my actions and my way of thinking than being concise. The people in my life love me and most have known me for five years or longer. They have accepted my personality. Because of this they will not tell me the truth of my actions/behaviors. They are either afraid of my reaction or they don’t want to hurt me. I know a lot of Non HPD on here does not want anything to do with those with HPD or believe that they have HPD but I hope that some would tell me of anything I do that is bothersome or show me truthfully that which I do that is not the norm. Hopefully without being mean, just honest and open as I try to be with you. Well, I had better stop here knowing me I would just keep writing and miss Christmas altogether.
Merry Christmas
Jean

compton wrote:Do HPDs ever love their partner to the extent that he is the only man they want? And for more than a week or two?

My definition of 'really love' would be something like... 'intense feelings of affection, attraction, caring, respect, and trust that motivate a person to give of themselves freely and completely, generously meeting the needs of the loved one without expectation or requirement of quid pro quo.' I think only a small percentage of the total population really do this in romantic love. It's common for people to love their children generously, completely, unconditionally. I don't think HPDs are capable of this kind of love because they are all about getting others to meet their needs, even their own children. Mine did a credible job of faking it at first, but of course many strings attached, a price to pay. She rarely attended any of her child's activities when she did it was just a show- all about her rather than the child. Expected accolades for doing something boring for the kid, sacrificing her time and attention.

I guess I should write here too that in regards to love it takes much longer for someone that is from a dysfunctional family to love than a normal person. Though somehow it feels wrong to generalize like that, so maybe it's just me (and my brother who doesn't have a personality disorder, but does have symptoms of ACOA) I have found that most of the men I have dated always tell me they love me very soon in the relationship. For me, I have to know they aren't going anywhere first. It takes me so long to be able to trust someone, and by that time my poor behaviors have ran them off, or at least keeps them at an emotional distance from me, or they have hurt me in some way in my head that will forever keep my at a distance. I am appeasing/forgiving but once that build up of trust has been broke there is never going back all the way or to the way things used to be. I may still go out with them, may still have sex but that feeling of the possibility of trust or love dissapears and from that grows friendships/more often than not with sexual undertones, at least until recently. For some reason that never happened with the on and off relationship over 15 years. Perhaps because even though we are not together he has always been forgiving of me/no matter what I do or how bad I act. I was finally able to form trust/love and open up. He knows everything I have ever done and still cares. I wish I would have kept the two letters we sent each other the ones that led me to finding out. I have our most recent stream if anyone wants to read it I will PM it, I won't post it on here though.
That's probably what I should have wrote the first time. I don't take enough time to think things through, I just act. Sorry.
Jean