Codependent? 'Nice guy syndrome'? Or simply made a mistake?

Does one of the above apply to yourself, regarding the HPD? Or perhaps in relationships throughout your life?

Okay, that's kind of a rhetorical question, and I think that most of us victims can recognize one (or more) of those traits in ourselves. But regardless of the specific answer that's applicable to you it's very important to remember that it's not an excuse for someone to abuse you. It never is.

Think about it; would any other type of victim be so readily criticized? Should a woman accept a little of the blame for being attacked, based on how she dresses? Is it the fault of a child for being smaller and weaker and so unable to stop their abuser? Ever had faith in someone who in the past has always proved to be trustworthy, only to find one day they let you down in a big way? Would any of these victims be expected to hold their hand up and say "Yes, well, I was kind of asking for it"?

There's a culture which has developed in blaming victims. It's endemic in a society that has little understanding (or even chooses to overlook) PDs. There are many reasons for this, but it's beyond the scope of this post to look at them. This post is only about where the culture places and views victims of abuse - and how victims often respond to it.

It's always good to be honest with ourselves. It's vitally important to have the integrity required to look inside and see who we are. Only then it's possible to make the most of ourselves and live life to its fullest potential. But what we find there is no reason for anyone to abuse us - nor is it an excuse for us ourselves to be seduced by society and the culture which suggests "You deserved it."

In the aftermath of a relationship with a HPD there's a lot of soul searching, questions asked, and painful truths revealed. The HPD takes the best part of us and tortures it. No matter how strong we are, they find the part of us that's the epitome of being human (the part they don't have within themselves) and abuse it. And nobody deserves that.

Accept the good points you have. Emphasize the positive character traits you possess. Value your ability to have empathy and to give and receive love. And yes, work to identify and then minimize your faults. But don't ever allow anyone to make you feel you're somehow deserving of abuse. Always remember that there's absolutely no reason, excuse, circumstances, or philosophical standpoint which ever makes it acceptable for one person to abuse another.

Personally, having the description "codependent" applied to me doesn't bother me. One of my big worries right now is being able to move forward successfully and have a normal relationship with a normal human being sometime in the (probably distant) future. The reading I've done on codependency has helped me understand some problems I have with boundary-setting and self respect. Do I have to buy into the whole thing? of course not. I doubt I'll ever identify myself as codependent outside of this forum. I see it as a useful keyword to type into a search engine to find some relevant help.

That's about where I'm at on describing HPD to people, as well. (I posted a couple weeks ago about my frustrations trying to get people to understand what I've been going through and what happened to my marriage). Learning about the HPD diagnosis didn't change anything and didn't show me anything about my spouse that I didn't already know. It did kind of thread it all together, show it to me in a systematic way, and confirmed my already strong intuition that I was dealing with serious and pervasive psychological issues rather than a few minor behavioral problems that could be worked out with improved communication. It also led me to this forum and connected me with a group of people who have had similar experiences. So I don't need anyone to understand HPD or even hear the term. I've pretty much gotten what I needed out of it.

Great post, btw, and thanks! -- caro

Harry_S wrote:Does one of the above apply to yourself, regarding the HPD? Or perhaps in relationships throughout your life?

Okay, that's kind of a rhetorical question, and I think that most of us victims can recognize one (or more) of those traits in ourselves. But regardless of the specific answer that's applicable to you it's very important to remember that it's not an excuse for someone to abuse you. It never is.

Think about it; would any other type of victim be so readily criticized? Should a woman accept a little of the blame for being attacked, based on how she dresses? Is it the fault of a child for being smaller and weaker and so unable to stop their abuser? Ever had faith in someone who in the past has always proved to be trustworthy, only to find one day they let you down in a big way? Would any of these victims be expected to hold their hand up and say "Yes, well, I was kind of asking for it"?

There's a culture which has developed in blaming victims. It's endemic in a society that has little understanding (or even chooses to overlook) PDs. There are many reasons for this, but it's beyond the scope of this post to look at them. This post is only about where the culture places and views victims of abuse - and how victims often respond to it.

It's always good to be honest with ourselves. It's vitally important to have the integrity required to look inside and see who we are. Only then it's possible to make the most of ourselves and live life to its fullest potential. But what we find there is no reason for anyone to abuse us - nor is it an excuse for us ourselves to be seduced by society and the culture which suggests "You deserved it."

In the aftermath of a relationship with a HPD there's a lot of soul searching, questions asked, and painful truths revealed. The HPD takes the best part of us and tortures it. No matter how strong we are, they find the part of us that's the epitome of being human (the part they don't have within themselves) and abuse it. And nobody deserves that.

Accept the good points you have. Emphasize the positive character traits you possess. Value your ability to have empathy and to give and receive love. And yes, work to identify and then minimize your faults. But don't ever allow anyone to make you feel you're somehow deserving of abuse. Always remember that there's absolutely no reason, excuse, circumstances, or philosophical standpoint which ever makes it acceptable for one person to abuse another.

Well said Harry...There is no excuse for abuse. We all have our things we want to work on, but none of us victims ever deserved abuse...ever

I may exhibit some co-dep traits and I may even argue that some of those traits make it easier for a predator to abuse me...but I never deserved to be abused by my HPD...never

I hope none of the victims internalizes to themselves as somehow they deserved this...in fact, it is important that you take none of their abuse personally. The sad fact is you weren't the first person the HPD abused and sadly you won't be the last

In fact, in my own life I offered a silent apology to the men of the world by throwing my HPD back into the dating pool, and I have steadily moved on in my life. Slowly but surely I have slept better, laughed more and most importantly found out I am gonna be just fine

Acceptance of the HPD is key. Your HPD never cared about you one way or the other. We just happened to be targeted

Ofcourse that is not what they told us. Our HPD's went to to great lengths to convince us of love and devotion. They kept feeding us the idea of what a 'success' we would be together. Then for many of us victims, when the HPD's promises began to fall apart, they became quick to blame us

As normal functioning human beings we believed their original promises. In our eyes, how could anyone say all those things and not mean them? So, when the blame started flying from the HPD person who made the promise, we believed that as well.

This is key to understand and accept. The HPD is a complete lie Your HPD lied and continues to lie because that's what they do They are just disordered and missing key parts. The emotional connections, integrity, and a conscience- all that make us human

With that said, there is a reason we went along with the HPD's program. There are reasons why we did not listen to our intuition. For example, the cycle of abuse is a hard one to break free from, and the HPD knows just what to say to keep us much longer than we ever wanted. They tap into our goodness, and eventually use it to torture us

Whether we leave or we are left, we begin the process of extricating ourselves from the HPD, understand this is how they are(insane)...it doesn't excuse there heartless behavior, and we are certainly not to blame for their abuse

I made a mistake, plain and simple. I saw what I perceived to be the "perfect" person but in truth she hand tailored herself to me. So I guess I was duped.

Personally, I figure the term "bitch-magnet" or "psycho-bait" is closer to my truth. I AM a very nice person in general, and very patient with things. That seems to attract the victimizing type of woman... Many are drawn to my laidback and gentle manner because its a bit hard to reconcile when they know my military background. Wasn't gary Cooper the old time actor famed for his romantic but tough guy roles?

I don't KNOW obviously because I can't see myself through others' eyes, but it fits with the common dynamic we see so often in real life. Predatory women are likely to seek the most vulnerable victim with the most satisfying victory they can find. I DO have a lot of basket case women in my past, so.... ?